I watched his back, not knowing what his face looked like, not knowing why it wasn’t until that exact moment that I realized it was me who should be apologizing.
It was me who had just cheated.
“We should go,” I whispered, and I didn’t wait for him to respond, just made my way back to his Jeep. I slid inside right away, but Jamie took his time, and when he finally fell into the seat next to mine, he didn’t look my way. He started the Jeep silently, pushed it into gear, and then we drove in silence. No music, no words, just wind.
My phone rang, startling us both, and Ethan’s name filled the screen when I pulled it from my bag.
“Hey babe,” I answered. Jamie fisted the steering wheel tighter.
“Hey, you almost home?”
“On my way now. Listen, I’m really exhausted, could we maybe go to dinner another night?”
I felt Ethan’s disappointment through the phone and Jamie looked at me then, brows pinched together.
“I miss you, B. I haven’t seen you all week. Can I at least come over? I’ll bring a movie and you can fall asleep on my chest, if that’s what you want. I don’t care what we do. I just want to be with you tonight.”
Tears pooled in my eyes and I blinked rapidly, keeping them at bay. Ethan was the best guy I had ever dated, the guy whom I’d trusted enough to give myself to. He’d cherished my virginity, and he continued to practically worship me every day. He was sweet, he was kind, he had a plan. And for some reason he wanted me to be a part of it. He was everything I could have ever hoped for.
I was so, so stupid.
“I miss you, too. Give me an hour and then you can head over.”
He sighed, and I could see his smile as if I was there with him. “Can’t wait. See you soon.”
I ended the call just as Jamie pulled onto campus. Jamie parked in G Lot again and when I went to reach for my handle, he locked all the doors.
“I’m sorry, B.”
He said the words again, and they burned even more the second time I swallowed them.
“Ethan is a great guy and he cares about you, and I know you care about him, too. And what I did today was selfish. It was foolish. I’m not sorry I kissed you,” he clarified, and my eyes found his then. “But I’m sorry I did it when you weren’t mine to kiss.”
I chewed my lip, fighting back the emotions I was feeling. “I’m sorry, too. I think maybe this was a bad idea.”
“No,” Jamie argued, shaking his head as he turned to face me completely. “Listen, I promise, I won’t pull that shit again. But please, don’t push me away. We can still be friends, B. I don’t want to lose you.” I had a flashback to the night he texted me after our first football game together, the night we went to watch Jenna but watched each other, instead. “Please, let me be your friend.”
Could we be friends? Could we hang out together like we did in high school now that we had kissed, now that we had crossed that faint line that had always been drawn between us? I wasn’t sure, though the bigger part of me thought I probably didn’t want to know the answer.
Still, I nodded. The thought of losing him crushed me, too.
“Okay.”
Jamie breathed a sigh of relief, but I sat up straighter.
“But we can’t…. I can’t…” I gestured behind me, back to the beach, back to the kiss.
“I know.”
I nodded again, feeling solid in our understanding. “Help me with my board?”
An hour later, I was freshly showered, lying in my twin bed with my head on Ethan’s chest as we watched a horror film. He held me close, his fingers lightly tracing the hem of my sleep shorts for the first thirty minutes of the movie, and I didn’t tell him about the kiss. I should have, but I didn’t want to hurt him, and at the time, I was still lying to myself, repeating the words Jamie had said in the car. We could be friends.
Before long, Ethan was hovering over me, kissing me softly as he moved between my legs. He promised me the world between kisses and I drank him in eagerly, desperate to believe him, to want what I knew I should.
But the truth was still there, stuffed under my pillow, tucked away in my mind.
I drank Ethan in that night, every last drop, but when we finished and I rolled to one side, him pulling my back against his chest, I traced my mouth with shaky fingers.
It was the aftertaste of Whiskey I still felt on my lips.
IT TURNED OUT MY fear of not being able to be normal around Jamie was unfounded, or so it seemed at first.
I avoided Jamie for a few days after the kiss, but when we did eventually hang out again, it was as if it had never happened. Conversation was easy, we saw each other when we could and, even around Ethan, Jamie seemed normal. We went surfing a lot, and since Ethan didn’t like to surf or even be at the beach at all, that was usually mine and Jamie’s time just the two of us. It was fun — we explored new places, tackled new waves, and Jamie even broke in a new board. I, on the other hand, felt like I could never part from mine.
Jamie was true to his word. He didn’t try to kiss me again. In fact, he’d pulled back completely. It felt like I was more inclined to be the one caught staring or standing too close. Jamie, on the other hand, would keep his distance. He kept conversation at safe levels and every touch between us was nothing but friendly.
As if to prove he was serious, Jamie even dated — well, I say dated lightly. He never put a title on his escapades with the parade of blondes he had coming in and out of his and Ethan’s apartment, but I received the message loud and clear. I think, looking back, he thought it would solidify his promise he’d made to just be my friend. And it did. But, it also made me question why he’d ever kissed me at all. I looked nothing like those girls. They were all light skinned, curvy, blonde. Clearly it had been a mistake for him, which is why he had apologized so quickly.
It was just a kiss, a harmless mistake.
We were fine as friends.
It was easy, being with him — just like it always had been. And so, almost exactly like we had in high school, Jamie and I fell into an easy routine. Surfing, exploring new places in San Diego, studying — we even flew home for holiday break together. I was the most thankful for that, especially after my mom and I spent our first Christmas alone together. Even after I found out about what my dad did, we’d still all been together at Christmas. But this time I’d told him not to come, and even though I was solid in that decision, it still killed me. Jamie picked me up that night and we drove around our old hometown, just like we had that Christmas Eve his senior year.
We really had fallen into a friendship, or at least, we’d convinced ourselves we had.
But see, what you likely already know about liquor that I had yet to realize at that time in my life is this: each type of alcohol affects you in a different way.
Jamie was whiskey, that much I was sure of. I couldn’t deny the way he burned, the way his taste lingered. Still, no one warned me that once a whiskey girl, always a whiskey girl. But I was figuring it out.
Ethan was like rum. He was sweet and fun, like a fruity cocktail on the beach. He said all the right things, took me to the right places, gave me the right gifts on holidays we celebrated together. For all intents and purposes, he was a perfectly fine libation.