“He is important, but so is my career,” I said, huffing. “I don’t want to give up what I’ve finally figured out on my own for a boy.”
“Oh please,” she scoffed. “It’s not like that and you know it. It’s not like Jamie is asking you to stay at home with the kids and drop all your dreams. He’s asking you to work with him, to be a team, to finally put him first now that the timing is right. I mean look, first he was dating me, then you were dating Ethan, then your dad passed, and then you moved away. Even still, after all that, you two somehow found your way back to each other. And now, the only thing keeping you from being together is you.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“Because it is!” She laughed. “Babe, wake up. Jamie loves you. He put his heart on the line like no other guy I’ve ever seen in my life. Don’t walk away from that because you think you’re doing him some sort of favor. He knows you’re not going to marry him and move back home right away. He knows you’re not ready to have kids. It doesn’t matter. He wants you, B. And even though you’re trying to prove you don’t feel the same for some stupid reason, we both know you do. Stop acting like not wanting him makes you strong. There’s more courage in admitting you love someone and fighting for them than letting them go because it hurts less.”
Suddenly, my wine tasted sour, and I sat the glass on my coffee table before laying back on the couch and covering my eyes with my forearm. Jenna’s words didn’t sink in slowly or jolt me like a shocking realization. No, the truth was everything she said I’d already known. Maybe I’d always known. So hearing her say them out loud only ripped the curtain down, the one I’d hung high to separate me from the ugly truth. Now, I was staring at it, right in the eyes, and it was just as terrifying as it had been when I’d covered it.
“I’m so fucking screwed,” I cried, my voice breaking.
“You’re not. You can still do something about it. But first, you need to figure out what it is that’s always had you running from him.”
I sniffed, letting my arm fall to the side and staring up at my ceiling. “I don’t know how to love someone, Jenna. I just don’t. I never saw it in my house, not with my parents. I never felt it with Ethan. I did with Jamie, and instantly — as soon as I realized I loved him — I was overwhelmed with panic and fear.”
“Shit…” Jenna breathed. “It’s your dad. You’ve got daddy issues.”
“Wow, Jenna.”
“No,” she said quickly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I liked your dad, I was just as confused as you were when everything… when it all came out, you know? But it all makes sense now. You thought your mom loved your dad and then you found out what he did to her. And your dad was the first man you ever loved, and he hurt you — he practically killed you. You affiliate love with fear.”
For a few moments I just breathed, thinking on what she’d said. It seemed too simple, too cliché, and yet at the same time it felt real.
“What do I do?”
Jenna paused, and I continued staring up at my ceiling, like the answer would fall down from the floor above.
“You call your boss and tell him you won’t be in on Monday. Then, you book the earliest flight for tomorrow, you go shopping and get your hair done with your best friend, and you go get your man.”
I laughed. “That’s so dramatic.”
“Love often is.”
I pulled the blanket up over my shoulders and turned on my side, curling my legs to my chest. “What if he doesn’t want to see me? We haven’t talked since that night.”
“Stop making excuses and book the damn flight. I’m hanging up now. See you tomorrow.”
A sad laugh crept out of me. “I love you.”
“You too. Text me your flight info.”
“Okay.”
“I’m serious.”
“I know,” I said, and she ended the phone call before I could thank her.
I was still terrified. I wasn’t sure if I could do this, if I could do long distance, if I could be with Jamie and handle the pressure of a relationship along with the pressure at work. But if anything, Jenna had opened my eyes to the fact that I had been running from Jamie, and only for selfish reasons. I’d never shown him that he was important in my life, and he was. It was time I showed it.
And maybe love was scary, but with Jamie, it was amazing, too. It hurt worse to live without him, and I’d realized that now.
I emailed my boss, booked a flight, and then I finished my bottle of wine, all the while wishing it were Whiskey, instead. That was the night I convinced myself that I could take control of my life, of my relationship with Jamie, if only I made the decision to. Face your fear, and you can conquer anything — right? But what I neglected to realize was that even when it seems like everything has finally clicked into place, the biggest player in the game of life is timing — and you either have that player on your team, or you don’t.
That weekend, I would learn quickly and painfully that timing was never on our side.
• • •
“Are you sure you don’t want me to meet you there?”
I shook my head before realizing Jenna couldn’t see me. “Nope, just touching up and then going inside. I want to do it on my own.”
“Okay. I mean, not that I’m anxious to go and then be left behind when you guys go back to his place to bang all night but you can totally pull the best friend card if you need to.”
I laughed, applying a fresh coat of dark burgundy lipstick. My gray eyes popped against the smoky shadow Jenna had showed me how to do and my lashes were long and dark. “I’ll be okay.”
“I know you will. Just be honest with him and then make up all night long.”
“I like the picture you paint.”
“Well shit, maybe I should just quit law school and be an artist.”
I rolled my eyes. “Bye, Jenna.”
Once I was alone in my mom’s car, I let out a long, slow, shaky breath, staring at my reflection in the small visor mirror. My cheeks were hinted with a blush and my hair was styled with tight curls. I’d shopped all day with Jenna, and she was right — I felt more confident in a new pair of skin-tight leather leggings and deep v-neck blouse. I slid out of my sandals and pulled my heels from the passenger seat, putting them on one by one before bracing my hands on the steering wheel again. I let myself stall for thirty more seconds, then I grabbed my clutch and made my way inside.
I’d planned to show up at his house, but ended up running into his youngest sister at the mall when I was with Jenna. She’d told me he was going out tonight, to his favorite bar, celebrating after the hellish week they’d had at work. Busy season happened two times a year for them — February to May, and September through November. They’d survived, and I hoped me showing up would add to the celebration.
It was dark in the bar, and even though my stomach was tight with anticipation, I didn’t seek Jamie out at first. Instead, I headed straight for the bar, sliding up on a barstool and flagging down the bartender. This was my first strategic move for two reasons: one, I needed libations to get through my nerves, and two, I was half-hoping Jamie would see me first. I was ready, I knew everything I wanted to say, but it would be easier if he had to make the walk across the bar to me. If he simply strutted up with that beautiful smile of his and asked, “What are you doing here?” with wonder in his eyes. Then, I could spill my heart like they do in the movies, and we’d spend the night the way Jenna imagined.