Jamie doubled over that time, and I spoke even louder over his laughter.
“I’m terrified of the dark, Jamie! It was awful! And so I jumped up, scrambling to find a towel so I could turn the light back on. But because I’m a genius, I yanked on the shower curtain to help me stand up, but that only took it down and me along with it. I fell straight to the floor, but I broke my fall with my hands instead of my face.”
“Luckily.”
“Oh,” I chided. “Yeah. So lucky. Except guess where Rory’s litter box was?”
Jamie’s eyes widened and he tore his eyes from the road to meet mine. “No!”
“Ohhh yeah. My left hand landed right smack in the middle of a steaming pile of poo. And Rory laughed inside that little manic head of hers as she watched the whole show.”
“This seriously has to be made up,” Jamie wheezed as we pulled up to a stoplight, his free hand gripping his stomach.
“I only wish I was that creative.”
We both laughed together, the silence in the car finally warmed over. When the light turned green, Jamie eased on the gas, but didn’t reach for the volume to crank the music again.
“So. Baths, huh?”
I nodded, untucking my legs and resting my bare feet on his dash. “Yep. I do my best thinking submerged in a tub of hot water. Bubbles are an added bonus.” I winked.
“Baths are to you as driving is to me.”
“Mm-hmm,” I agreed. “Which brings us to the purple elephant in the car.” I leaned my head back, eying Jamie as the smile slipped from his face. “Care to tell me the reason we’re driving around this dead ass town in the middle of the night?”
It was the small movements that always gave Jamie away. He never really exaggerated anything — but there were subtle shifts that always tipped me off to when something was on his mind. His thumb would slowly slide along the steering wheel, or his left brow would dip just marginally before evening out again, and sometimes he would crack his neck — quickly and quietly. That night, I’d seen all three, and he knew to not even try to tell me there was nothing wrong. I knew better.
“I don’t know, B. I just… ever since school let out, I can’t stop thinking about how fast everything is changing. I mean, it’s Christmas, my last Christmas home with my family. In six months, I’ll no longer be in high school. In eight, I’ll no longer be in Florida. It feels like my entire life I’ve been aching to grow up and move on and now that it’s all here, I’m dreading it. It’s too soon. I’m not ready.” He swallowed, taking a left turn and steering us toward the beach. “I’m scared.”
“It’s okay to be scared,” I whispered.
“Is it?” he challenged, parking the Jeep in a free spot in front of a beach bar. He rolled down his window to check the parking meter, but I guessed it was probably free parking at this time of night. He didn’t make a move for cash, but left the window down, his elbow resting on the edge. “I’ve always been so sure of everything. Confident. And here I am at one of the most exciting times of my life and I feel like hiding.”
I rolled my window down too, and Jamie took it as a cue to cut the engine. The distant sound of the waves behind the bar replaced the cool hum of the engine and we both relaxed into the comfort it brought.
“I think it’s normal, to feel both excited and terrified of the future. And I’d be willing to bet every senior goes through what you are right now. You’re excited to get out of high school, but also sad, because as much as it’s sucked, it’s been fun, too. I mean look at you — you’re this big basketball star and you’re playing your last season, your hot little girlfriend is a junior, so you know she’s not coming with you, and you’re going from a familiar city and state to one you’ve only visited before now.”
He shifted when I mentioned Jenna, but I tried to move on quickly.
“What I’m saying is it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. I’d be more concerned if you weren’t scared.”
For a minute we were silent, and Jamie ran both hands back through his long hair. I wondered if he’d cut it when we graduated. I hoped he wouldn’t.
“What if I fail? What if I hate college and all the pressure and I just crack?”
“You won’t.”
“But what if I do?”
“You won’t, Jamie,” I said again, leaning over the consul. I waited until he looked at me to continue. “Over the past few months, I’ve learned a lot about you. I know that when you want something — truly want it — there’s no chance in hell you’ll ever give up on it. Like when you wanted me to go watch one of your stupid basketball games even though you knew how much I hated it and you found new ways to pester me every day until I finally gave in.” I chuckled, but he remained stoic, so I cleared my throat and leaned in a little closer.
“I know how much your family means to you, how much the firm means to you, and since you never play fair,” I teased, “you don’t have to worry about not succeeding.” The corner of his mouth lifted, but fell too quickly. I reached out then, just barely placing my hand over his. “In all seriousness, you’re not going to fail. Because that’s not who you are. And I think once your feet hit California, you’re going to buzz to life with the energy there and use that to drive you forward. And you’re going to drink too much and stay up too late but you’re also going to study hard and work harder and one day you’ll be back here, running the firm, with the wife and kids you’ve always wanted.” My throat felt thick at the mention of him building a family. “And I’m going to be sitting right here saying, ‘I told you so.’”
Jamie turned to me then, and I realized how close we were. Too close. I felt his breath on my lips, but my eyes never left his. He smelled like fall — not like pumpkin and freshly fallen leaves, but like fall in Florida — salty like the beach air, earthy like the palm trees, with a sweet spiciness that reminded me of the honey whiskey my dad always drank after Thanksgiving dinner.
“I hope you’re right,” he finally said, voice just above a whisper.
My heart was racing, my hand still touching his, and he moved his fingers beneath mine as if he were about to grab me in return. But I took my chance to put distance between us, sitting back in my seat with a grin and a wink. “Always am.”
Jamie turned on a new playlist after a while and we sat together, letting our minds race as we watched the waves gently roll in. It was too dark to really see them, but we could hear them, smell them, feel them. It was almost dawn by the time Jamie turned the Jeep back on to drive me home, and my eyelids were heavy when he pulled into the driveway.
“Can I ask you something?” Jamie asked as my hand found the door handle. I nodded. “What happened to Rory?”
I smiled, feeling the sleepiness tighten my skin. “My grandma came and stayed with us not too long after the bathroom incident and she and Rory fell in love. I suggested she take her, and I’d barely gotten the sentence out before Grandma was loading her up in the car.”
Jamie looked tired, too — his honey eyes rimmed with red. But he was smiling at me so genuinely, watching me so closely — like he always did.