“I’ve heard that from too many actors to believe it so easily,” he says, and I feel this movie slipping through my fingers.
“What do you need from me? Tell me, and it’s yours.”
He releases a long breath. “Fuck, Jack, I don’t know.”
It’s true that you don’t know what you’ve got until you lose it. I didn’t realise how much I wanted this movie until this moment.
“Leave it with me,” he finally says. “I’ll see what I can do.”
After we end the call, I sit at the table outside and contemplate my immediate future. I also reflect on my past.
I’ve fucked up a lot of things in my life, and while I’ve messed many things up with my career, I’ve mostly managed to keep it on track. Even after I walked away from the movie I’m supposed to be filming at the moment, I didn’t feel like I’d screwed anything up beyond repair.
This new development feels heavy.
It feels like I might have finally fucked up something important.
This isn’t a place I’m familiar with, and I don’t know what to do with it.
“How’d you go?” Jessica asks, coming outside.
I pull her onto my lap, fucking grateful for her presence. “Not good.”
She puts her hand to my chest. Over my heart. I’m sure that’s unintentional, but I connect random shit all the time, and I like this connection. “Tell me,” she says. I like that too, and I share the conversation I’ve just had with her. I also share how I’m feeling about not being in a familiar place and feeling out of my depth.
“You have far more resilience than you know,” she says when I’m finished. “If you think back over everything you’ve gotten through in your life, from the stuff that’s happened with your father, to your mental health, to your addictions, to us, to the career you’ve built out of nothing, that’s a lot to get through in one lifetime. This might not feel familiar, but that’s only because you’re thinking of it in terms of the actual situation.” She moves her hand to rest at my waist. “Think of it in terms of the skills and tools you’re going to need to access to get through it instead. That might feel more familiar.”
Whatever I did to deserve Jessica, I am fucking glad I did it.
“I told you you’re a smart woman,” I say as I process what she’s said. “I have been thinking of it in terms of the situation, but I think you might be onto something here.”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen if you lose the movie?”
I take a few minutes to think about that. “The fans will be disappointed.”
She smiles. “You have the biggest heart, Jack. At a time when I imagine most people would tell me how this would affect them, here you are worried about your fans. Don’t ever change.”
“I’m no saint, sweetheart. I was worried about myself at first, but when you got me to think about it, I realised that while I could miss out on future movies if I’m dropped from this one, that wouldn’t be the worst thing here. I put my fucking heart and soul into the first movie, and we made a film that meant something to a lot of people. I want to finish what I started, and I want the people who came along for the ride to experience the rest of that ride exactly how we always planned for them to.”
“Right, so fight for it, Jack. Think about how you’ve approached problems before and use what you learned then to approach this problem.” She reaches for my phone to check the time. “But first, we have a flight to catch, so get your ass in the shower and get packing.”
“You’re looking good, Jack,” Lorelei says when she picks us up from the airport. “Like, really good.” She smiles at Jessica before looking back at me. “Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it.”
I pull Jessica close. “I have no intention of stopping what I’m doing.”
We make our way to Lorelei’s car, and she drives us to Jessica’s apartment. Axe and his team follow. I finally agreed to cutting the team back to four. I assumed Axe would have finished up by now, after we cut into his time off, but he told me he’s good with staying on, especially now that we’re moving the job to Sydney. I have no idea what’s in Sydney for him, but I’ve gotten the impression there’s someone important to him here.
I sit in the front with Lorelei while Jessica spreads herself out on the back seat with her laptop. She’s been in hardcore work mode since we boarded the flight from Grafton. I could watch her work for hours. The way she takes charge turns me the hell on.
Lorelei and I catch up on the drive to Jessica’s apartment in Darling Point. She shares with me what she’s been up to since I last saw her months ago.
Lorelei coming into Ashton’s life was the best thing that ever happened to him. She challenges him in a way no other woman ever has, and in a way that makes him a better man. I’ll never forget that first day I met her. I was drunk, but I have clear memories of the woman I could tell had bewitched my best friend. I’d never come across a woman like her and was instantly bewitched too. Bewitched in the way where I hoped like fuck that Ashton didn’t screw things up with her, because I knew instantly that they belonged together. Being sober for their wedding was something I was more than grateful for. Ashton is my oldest and best friend; I wouldn’t want the most important day of his life to have been one I barely remember or barely showed up for.
As we pull into a car park in Jessica’s apartment complex, my phone rings.
Rose.
I’ve been waiting on this call for hours.
“Rose,” I say, exiting the car. “How’d you go?”
“Good, we’ve got some positive social media pieces out and more appearing, so that should help. But what we really need to focus on, Jack, is getting you out there if you’re serious about this. You need to make some appearances.”
She’s not telling me anything I don’t know. I’ve been in this game long enough to know what needs doing. Jessica was right earlier when she told me that although this situation doesn’t feel familiar, the things I’ll need to do are.
The problem is, I got out of LA for a reason. That reason hasn’t changed, and while I feel like I’ve made progress, I’m not stupid enough to think I’m ready to throw myself in the deep end again. However, I’ve found a reason to explore my options, so I say, “I’m open to that, but I’m not willing to compromise my recovery. Have you got anything that fits that bill?”
“Jack, everything on my list fits that bill. I made sure of it.”
I make a mental note to deliver the best damn orgasm of Jessica’s life to her later. I owe her for finding Rose for me.
“I’ll email you through a list,” she continues. “I’m unsure if you’re wanting to stay in Australia, or whether you’re happy to go home and get back to work there, so I’ve detailed opportunities in both countries. Let me know what works for you and I’ll make it happen.”
Home.
Rose thinks my home is in LA, and while that’s where the house is that I’ve lived in for years, I’ve already stopped thinking of it as home.
My home is wherever Jessica is. What I need to work out now is how much time I’m willing to spend apart from her.