“Maybe,” I snapped. “I’ve been walking around this city like a fucking ghost for the last two months because the woman of my dreams vanished into thin air.”
“I’m married, Matthew, not a ghost.”
“I don’t give a shit!”
“I’m married,” she said again. “Why can’t you get that through your thick head? I have a husband!”
I leaned close so she could hear my lowered voice. “Were you thinking of that husband when I was giving it to you up the ass, baby? Or when you were screaming my name to kingdom come?”
I stepped away with a smirk, too full of myself to be prepared for what was coming.
Nina’s hand swept across my cheek once more with the heat of a bullet and fury of a house fire.
I snapped back like a rubber band, hand clutched to the searing spot. “What the hell, Nina! Stop fuckin’ doing that!”
I won’t lie. This wasn’t the first time a woman had given me exactly what I deserved. Sometimes I even asked for it. Hell, I’d asked her to do it, and like a champ, she had delivered, all night long.
But this was different. This was the first time I regretted it.
“I love my family very much!” Nina shouted. “What right do you have to question that? Or are you going to throw my one indiscretion in my face every time I bring them up? You can’t erase them, Matthew, no matter how hard you try!”
“I—”
All manner of blithe comebacks rose to my lips, but they faded immediately as I watched Nina’s desperation rise and fall through her body. She was mad, yes. But she was also as confused as I was.
“Why?” she demanded. “I’m not available for you, Matthew. Why can’t you just leave it alone?”
“Because I can’t…I can’t stop thinking about you!”
The words erupted from my chest and propelled me backward onto the steps of a brownstone. I collapsed against the bottom stairs and buried my face in my hands.
“This is going to sound crazy. But that night, in that hotel room, with you in my arms…Nina, it felt like I had been wandering my entire life and I’d finally found my purpose. Like I had found a, a, a calling, I guess is the best word for it. That action I can do better than any person on the planet. Be with you. Worship you. Love—”
“Don’t say it.”
Her voice was kind. Gentle. As gentle as the touch that feathered over my knuckles and pushed my hands away from my face. Wordlessly, she asked me to look at her, to see the earnest admonition there.
“Don’t say that,” she said. “Not when I’m not worth it. And not when it isn’t true.”
“You said it,” I replied. “I asked if you believed in love at first sight. And what did you say, Nina?”
It wasn’t just the sex. I mean, it was. Even lying here, exhausted and depleted, I still wanted her as badly as I had in the bar. Her hair was tangled, skin blotchy from my attentions. She looked as worn out as I was, but somehow, even more beautiful.
But yeah, it wasn’t just the sex. It was every conversation in between. It was the way she felt when I held her. The twinkle in her eye when she laughed at one of my stupid jokes. Her quiet wit when she thought I wasn’t listening.
There was so much more to this woman than I could ever discover in one night. I needed to memorize these final moments. Do everything I could to capture this feeling. I didn’t know if I would ever see her again, but one thing was for sure: I went out looking for something missing in my life, and I had found it. Maybe it wouldn’t last with her, but I wasn’t going to settle for anything less. Not ever again.
We lay there for a while longer, and eventually, Nina’s eyes drooped shut. Her lashes cast shadows just below her eyes, and her mouth fell open slightly.
God, she was so beautiful. Relaxed. Perfect.
“Do you believe in love at first sight?” I wondered as I gazed at her. “Or is that just a story old men tell at the ends of their lives when they wish they’d lived them better?”
I stroked her sleeping face. She shifted, then nuzzled my palm.
“Not until tonight,” she hummed. “Until I saw you.”
“Matthew, stop.”
I wasn’t exactly a taciturn guy. A lawyer, I made my living with words, twisting them around in a million different ways to make whatever argument I wanted. But with her, I couldn’t twist the logic. And I didn’t want to manipulate her. Ever.
I couldn’t force her to say the things I wanted to hear.
Nina took a seat next to me on the steps. “That night…” She shook her head, like she was shaking away cobwebs. “I really do try not to think about it.”
The admission was a shot to the heart.
“Wow,” I said. “Okay.”
“Not for the reasons you might think,” she continued. And when she looked at me, those expressive gray eyes were shining all over again. “Because if I go there, I’m genuinely afraid of what I might do. The way you feel, Matthew…I understand it. I do. There, in that room, it was the first time anyone ever looked at me like you did. You struck down every wall I had. I felt accepted. I felt whole.”
She reached over tentatively and picked up my hand. That somewhat familiar shock of electricity passed through us again, but neither of us flinched. It was like we were ready for it.
“You were right,” she said quietly. “That night, I was very unhappy with my marriage. I wasn’t sure I would be able to go back to it. I thought Calvin had done something…”
“What?” I asked sharply. “What did you think he had done? I’ll find out if he did, Nina—”
“He didn’t do it. And it’s not important now.”
I had never been less convinced.
“Nina,” I said. “The night we met, Eric was in jail. You were wracked with guilt. You felt responsible.”
She nodded. “Yes, I did.”
“My cousin,” she said. “His wife. They’re—they’re in danger now. He’s gone, and she’s—” She shook her head, clearly warring with herself. “I can’t really talk about it, but it’s my fault.”
I frowned. “What do you mean, it’s your fault? Sounds like it was your friend’s fault for almost ruining the wedding, not yours.”
“It’s not just that,” Nina said. “They’ve mostly recovered from that. But other people close to me…they’ve continued to wreak havoc in their lives. And I’ve done nothing to stop it. Because I’m a coward. Just like my father. My mother. Just like everyone else in my godforsaken family.”
I blinked as our conversation came back to me. “Who was it?”
“Who was what?”
“The person who continued to mess with Eric.” A light went on. “Was it Calvin? Is that why you were angry with him?”
It made sense. If she thought her own husband had something to do with Eric’s persecution, I could understand why she would have been so upset. I could tell her right now there was nothing she could have done, but she wouldn’t have thought that at the time.