His series was everywhere on social media. I remember it well. It was on every bookstagrammer’s radar. Every magazine entertainment section speculated when it would be turned into a TV series.
“Kaya was working all the time so my travels weren’t an issue then.” He stares at the bottom of the almost-empty drinking glass, his brow wrinkling in deep thought.
The pause makes my heart pump twice as hard. There’s pain in these memories for him; I can feel it radiating off of him. It just occurred to me that he could still be in love with her.
“I saw you with her,” I admit. I don’t know why, other than it feels wrong to keep anything from him. He’s my friend and friendship should be based on truth and trust.
“You did?”
I nod. “At the restaurant in town. You were having dinner.”
His brows climb up his forehead. He nods. “The day we signed the divorce papers.”
Which explains why she was crying. Except now I know she’s a cheater. That she’s the one who hurt him. “She looked upset.”
“She didn’t want a divorce.”
The admission makes my stomach churn. The tone in which he says it makes me want to cry. I knew this wasn’t going to end well for me, and still, I persisted. Maybe I am just like my father, destined to choose the wrong man over and over. I can’t trust myself anymore. “So what happened?” I press. Because clearly I have a sadistic streak a mile wide.
“I was away a lot. She and Aidan ended up spending time together. One thing led to another… We weren’t doing well and neither of us tried to fix it.”
Do you love her still? Has she broken your heart for good? Questions I am dying to ask and can’t. End me now because I don’t think I can bear it if the answers are yes and yes.
Instead, I ask, “And Aidan?”
“That hurt.”
“I think he regrets it, Shane. Actually––I know he regrets it. That night I found him drunk in the water tub he said as much.”
He nods, having come to the same conclusion on his own. “One of the reasons he’s here doing time now,” he explains, “is guilt.”
“Hey,” we both hear. We glance over and watch Aidan approach. His demeanor one of a person who knows they messed up and fixing it isn’t going to be easy. I try to stand but Shane slams a hand on my thigh and grips the muscle firmly. Our eyes connect and he shakes his head.
I guess I’m staying.
“I, uh, I want to apologize,” Aidan says, his eyes aimed at the few feet of grass between us. He stuffs his hands into the front pockets of his cargo shorts. “I should’ve done this a year ago, but I never know how to talk to you… You’re always looking at me like I’m on the verge of fucking up…”
“I do not––” I squeeze Shane’s knee and he stops.
“Yes, you do, Shane. You’ve been doing it for so long you can’t even see it… What I did with Kaya is unforgivable. I know it. I know it is,” he repeats, voice fading. “I just… this is gonna sound weird but… it wasn’t Kaya I was thinking about.”
“Stop, Aidan. I know why you did it. The same reason you got into the car accident. Like every other time you got yourself into trouble… So when does it end? When do you stop trying to get my attention? Because I’m here… in case you haven’t noticed.”
Aidan’s eyes well up with tears and so do mine. Biting my lip, I wipe them away.
“You’re my brother. I’ll always be here for you, Aid.” Shane’s deep rasp reverberates over my skin, the heartfelt sentiment reaches into my bones and warms me from the inside out. “You know I love you,” Shane says with zero hesitation. He stands and walks to his baby brother, arms wide open. Aidan walks into them and hides his face against Shane’s shoulder. They hug, wrapping thick, muscled arms around each other. A few loud back slaps follow. Before they break apart, I slip away.
No matter how much they fight, they will always have each other. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Someone to fight with that I know won’t walk away. Someone to love that loves me back unconditionally. Maybe it took Shane and Aidan to show me what I really want and what I really need are two different things. Maybe it’s time I do things differently if I want a different outcome.
To that end, I take all my feelings for Shane, a litany of them in varying degrees, and tuck them away on a shelf marked forbidden things. It’s hard, but I manage.
For the next two days, all three of us work diligently to fix the barn. And I’m grateful to them. Immensely grateful; I really am. This was not part of the deal. This was not their responsibility. And yet they’re putting everything they’ve got into doing a great job. Two men who have the means to hire an army for their own purposes are working hard to help the rescues.
I sent Jules a few short videos and pictures of Aidan and she loved them. Not as much as the ones with the ponies because she said those had a ‘cuteness factor of ten,’ but she didn’t call me a fuck up. Which loosely translated means I’m off her naughty list.
The even better news is that Aidan’s PR campaign is working and he’s getting more and more good press lately. Directors and producers are calling to offer him parts again and that makes me happy for him.
Staring in the mirror, I think I like what I see. I haven’t gone out, in a social sense, in years, so this is a little scary, but I gotta get back on the horse. Pun intended. I’ve gotta put myself out there.
“Girl, I am so proud of you,” comes out of the speakerphone. “If you didn’t live in such a gritty hellscape, I would come up there and join you but…ya know…”
“Yeah, I know.”
“What are you wearing?” Typical Jess.
“The usual. A blue minidress with a flare skirt and my red cowboy boots. My hair down.”
“Cute. I dig the country vibe.”
“Not much choice. It’s not like I’ve been shopping lately. In years, for that matter.”
“If you came back into the fold, I could do that––take you shopping for real clothes.”
“Hilarious. I can’t afford a t-shirt at the places you like to shop. Okay, I’m going,” I tell her, coating my lips with gloss. “I’ll call you if I get girlnapped and kept in a dog crate.”
After ordering an Uber, I head downstairs and run into Mona in the kitchen. It’s only 8:30, but she’s already in her leopard print robe and her hair looks like Darby has had his fingers in it.
Her pointed gaze runs up and down my body. She takes a long sip of her Diet Coke. “Has my eyesight got completely batshit, or am I seein’ this correctly? You’re dressed to go out?” Her expression indicates that she’s skeptical of the decision.
“I’m going out.” I offer her a wide, forced grin. Yes, I’m nervous and not at all sure I’m doing the right thing.
“Where?” I’m not sure if she sounds scared or surprised.
“Umm… the Hub.”
“You’re going to a bar?” Mona says, flabbergasted.
“Yeah, why? What’s wrong with going to a bar?”
Now she looks downright suspicious. “Nothin’… nothin’, just… you’re going to a bar to socialize? You––” She points at me. As if there could be any other me.