Not many knew what isolation felt like, not true isolation.
I went to school.
I didn’t have a roommate.
I barely had friends.
I screwed a guy tonight because he had no idea who I was.
Yeah.
That was true isolation when you wanted no one to know you, then you got it, and you wanted anything but that, but not at the same time. It was a fucking mind-fuck. That’s what it was.
Cruz left and I ushered him out the door. He started to ask me a personal question, but I shut him down.
I told him, “Here’s my phone number. If you want to keep fucking like we just did, I’m down for it. But my rule, no personal shit. I don’t want to know anything about you, and I don’t want you to know anything about me. If you can handle that, let’s do this again. I don’t care if you fuck someone else, just keep a condom on with me. If you can’t deal, then this time was great and you’re a phenomenal lay.” I kissed him, and then sent his seriously hot ass on his way.
Jesus. I was such a bitch.
He looked bewildered at me during my speech.
“I don’t know why I’m telling you any of this.” No. I had an idea. “If you talk to your brother, you can tell him I’m okay. He’s the kind of guy who would worry when he doesn’t need to. You know?” I looked over and was surprised at seeing the tears in her eyes.
I blinked a few times, realizing I had a couple in my own eyes.
She let a few slip before lowering her toothbrush. “I’ll tell him. And he did care.”
Cared. Right.
Because we were all in college by now.
Living our own lives.
And he was on his way to his life of stardom.
I grinned. “Your boyfriend came with you to college?”
She blushed. “Yeah.”
She seemed happy. “Good. You deserve that.”
I was leaving. The conversation was done. I’d said what I needed to say, but she called my name again when I opened the door.
I looked back.
Her eyes were clear, looking at me. “You do, too, just so you know.”
My heart thumped against my chest, because my God, I wanted to believe that, but she was wrong.
I didn’t, actually.
I gave a quick smile, making sure she felt her words made a difference with me, but they hadn’t. I wasn’t the girl who ever got the happily ever after, though, my God, I wanted it.
I wanted it so bad.
I just had no one I could ever say that to.
5
End Of September
Miles: Party tonight. You in?
I was hesitant. After my Sabrina smackdown, and after Cruz told me Gavin had slept with her, I’d been staying away. Though, I was assuming he was talking about Gavin’s house throwing a party.
Me: Where?
Miles: Cruz’s house.
Oh.
Shit.
I wanted to go, but if it was his house, I was guaranteed to hear about him, personal stuff about him.
But damn.
We had a few more study sessions, but they were kept to the library. Miles joined us for two of them, and Solana was there. She did her homework next to us, and I caught a few of the looks she sent his way. I liked Solana, but if he slept with her, I wasn’t going there again.
He hadn’t reached out for anything else. Then again, neither had I.
It’d only been two weeks, but in college land that was like an entire semester.
I couldn’t ignore the throbbing between my legs that was already happening in me, at just thinking about going to Cruz’s party.
Fine. Fuck.
Me: I’m in.
Miles: Score! He’s off campus, so I’ll pick you up at midnight.
I didn’t text Solana this time.
* * *
Blocked calls (51)
* * *
Midnight hit and I was leaving my room.
I heard a door opening behind me, heard Taz’s voice, but I didn’t think anything about it.
Heard her boyfriend’s name, and then another voice that I knew. “Be fucking safe, Taz. I mean it.”
“Yeah, well.” Her voice was crystal clear.
I froze, my back to them.
I heard her door shut, keys. She was locking it, or someone was locking it.
And then from her phone, because you can tell if the voice is coming from a phone on speaker, “Nothing like that. Don’t be like that. Just watch your back. All I’m saying.”
She sighed. “I will. Love you, brother.”
“Love you.”
He sounded irritable, but then again, that was just who her brother was at times.
I finished locking my own door, as my phone texted.
Cruz: Miles said you’re coming tonight. No personal shit, but wanna meet me in my room?
I laughed.
Me: Which door?
“You’re going out?”
I looked up as my phone buzzed again. Taz and her boyfriend were still there, watching me and not hiding it.
I put my phone away, sliding it into my front pocket. “Yeah. You guys?”
She nodded. “Party at the hockey house.” She gestured to her boyfriend. “He knows some of the guys.”
“Cool. That sounds like fun.”
“Where are you going?”
I was about to tell her but realized I didn’t know. “I’m not sure, actually.”
She laughed. “Well, I hope you have fun, too, wherever you go.”
I gave her a nod, gave her boyfriend a wave, and as they took off down the main stairway, I went down the back entrance way. Miles was waiting for me outside, in his truck, and I hurried over.
“Hey.”
He frowned. “Hey, yourself. You sound out of breath.”
I shot him a look, pulling my seatbelt on. “I’m not.”
Cruz had started to mention ‘tea’ before I cut him off. He might’ve been mentioning teammates, and knowing there was a party at the hockey house, knowing there was a party at his house, it was on the tip of my tongue just to ask. So easy, right? Super easy. Is Cruz on the hockey team?
But just as I started to, claustrophobia hit me.
I felt like I was being squeezed on both sides of me, then from the front and the back.
My phone started ringing, and I jerked, answering it before looking at who it was.
“Mara.”
I froze, hearing my dad’s voice, but more hearing the tone of his voice.
I knew. I just knew. A sick chill lined my insides.
She’d been calling me more than normal. I used to get a break every now and then. Not every day was drama for her, but yeah. I hadn’t gone this long before not responding to her.
I lowered my voice, wishing Miles wasn’t in the truck with me, “What’d she do?”
My parents were divorced, so it was bad if she had my dad calling.
“She took off to Vegas, said she’s going to get married.”
Which meant she’d go to Vegas, find a guy who’d fuck her, and who knows what would happen after that.
I didn’t respond to him, but I was aware of Miles sending looks my way.
“Mara.”
“Yeah. I—” I didn’t want to call her, and that’s why he was calling me. This wasn’t the first ‘Vegas’ trip, but if he was calling me, that meant she wasn’t responding to his calls, but she’d respond to mine. That was the one silver lining with her. I was her daughter, and the mother love was real and powerful for her. I knew other mothers like mine weren’t so loving.