If it had been up to me to pick someone to come into our home and help, I’d have been a mess of nerves. There wasn’t room in my brain to deal with anything extra these days. Let alone decide on someone who would have access to my child. I was grateful David and everyone stepped in and found me an angel.
I ran a finger back and forth over the back of his little fingers as he drank his dinner. It both was and wasn’t weird to not have David here. He often travelled with the band, so not having him here wasn’t unusual. But it was like a dark storm cloud hanging over me and our son. The knowledge that things had gone so badly that he had to step back from our life together. Though he hadn’t stepped back, exactly. Actually, I wasn’t quite sure what he was doing. But everything felt sad and edgy and just generally off. Which sucked.
* * * *
David came home the next afternoon. Keys in hand, black jeans and Henley on, he stood near the entry. “Okay if I come in?”
My breath caught in my throat as I stared at him. Talk about a sight for sore eyes. And a sore heart. The organ currently felt like it was trying to beat itself right out of my chest. I honestly didn’t know whether to hug him or slap him. I’d missed him so much, but his being gone had been hell. The last few days had been some of the worst of my life. And his eyes were wounded, his face leaner and starker somehow. As if this time had aged us both. I curled my hands into fists and kept them at my side. We needed to talk. That’s what had to come first.
“Of course you can come in,” I said.
Jude had left for the day, and the baby was sleeping. I’d made myself a cup of decaf coffee and decided to sit and chill on the sofa.
He took a chair opposite me. Which felt ominous for some reason. Like he needed the coffee table between us. His black eye was a combination of dark purple and gray. Gruesome. “Jimmy got me in with a therapist. That’s what I’ve been doing the last couple of days. Mostly.”
“Okay.”
“We talked about a lot of things.”
I nodded, trying to ignore the doubts and feelings of dread curling inside my stomach. Everything would be fine. I wouldn’t let it be anything else.
“Like how I’m not really used to sharing your attention. Or dealing with you just not having the time and energy for me or our relationship right now,” he said. “And of course that’s perfectly understandable. You’re exhausted. Hell. We both are.”
“Do you resent the baby, David?”
“A little.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. No wonder our baby still didn’t have a name.
“I’m also kind of freaking out about how we’re going to deal with all this. How we’re going to balance things. Our life’s been upended.” He swallowed. “I love him, Ev. But he’s a handful.”
“Yeah.”
His hands hung loose, his forearms braced on his spread legs. And those tattoos on his fingers spelling out LIVE FREE had never seemed more pertinent. Because he couldn’t live free anymore, and neither could I. Now we were parents.
“It’s a big sacrifice,” I said. “And I know they keep saying it’ll get easier. But we have to be here living it day in and out.”
He nodded. “How’s Jude doing?”
“She’s great. Having her here has really helped.”
“Good. That’s good, Ev.” His gave me a small smile. “I’ve also been looking at houses.”
“You want to move?” I asked, surprised. “Whoa. That’s not what I expected you to say. I mean, I thought you loved this place. We’ve been so happy here.”
“I know,” he said, keeping his voice calm and certain. If he hadn’t practiced saying these words, then he’d thought about them a whole lot. “It’s a big ask. But I feel like there’s not enough room here for all of us anymore. Not with all of the baby stuff and people sleeping at different times and me worrying about playing music and disturbing someone. I want us all to have enough space. All three of us.”
“Okay. If that’s what you want.”
“I know this is close to your work, but—”
“No. I agree.” I smiled. It was mostly natural. “It might take me a little while to get used to the idea, but we all need to be comfortable in our own home. Being here has been great, but…we’re moving into a new phase of our life now. We can afford it, and hopefully it will help with things, so why not?”
“Yeah. That’s what I think too.”
“What else did the therapist say?”
“She said that for new parents self-doubt and even anger at how you feel you’ve lost control over your life are normal. Ten to fifteen percent of new dads have issues with that sort of thing. Anxiety and mood disorders and so on.”
“That’s a lot.”
“And she said the worst thing I can do is stop communicating.”
“We need to make more of an effort to talk,” I agreed.
“Yeah. Otherwise the bitterness and resentment can get out of control. She also said it’s okay to mourn the fact that, for a while at least, we can’t just do what we want. Life has kind of moved on. We can’t just drop everything and go to Maui. Decide on the spur of moment to go hear a band play at some club together.” He looked away for a moment. “You know I’m in this with you to the end, right?”
And hearing those words unlocked something inside of me. Some hurt or worry. “I know.”
“Good.”
“Did she say anything else?”
“That you should think about doing therapy too. Both with me and on your own.” He swallowed. “The thing is, I walked out on you and our son, Ev. And I’m never going to be able to apologize enough for that. No matter that I needed to get my shit together, that I was going through some stuff. It’s pretty damn unforgivable. Me getting drunk and fighting and shutting you out. It was bullshit behavior, and I’m so damn sorry. Please know that.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “That was…even if I understand why you did it, it’s a lot.”
“You’ve just had a baby, and you’re dealing with even more than me, I know. Me adding this stress on top of everything was fucked.”
I nodded dully.
“I’m just asking for a chance to get us back on track. To make it up to you and him.” He stared into my eyes intently. “And if you don’t want the nanny or the new house or any of it, then okay. We’ll find another way to deal with things together. I just want to be here with you and our son. Please.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. My emotions were running riot. My head spinning in circles. This was a lot. “I need a little time to think everything over, but…mostly I think I’m all right with your ideas.”
“Of course. Take whatever time you need. I’m not going anywhere again, I promise.”
“What else did the therapist say?”
His eyes opened wide. “She said a lot. We talked for hours. I had a lot of shit in my head I just needed to get out, you know? Then I could start trying to fix things. Get with the program and have your back the way I should.”
I smiled.