Again and again, I pushed for all I was worth. Sweat coated my body, and every inch of me was on fire. It felt like my insides were trying to burst out of me. Gross, but true. Nothing mattered apart from making it happen. Getting whatever it was out.
“Come on, little baby,” he said, staring determinedly at my crotch. “That’s it. You’re doing really well.”
The pain dimmed again, giving me room to think. And my thoughts were not happy. “No. Wait. A baby? You’re being serious? Like really?”
He grinned. “Yep. Isn’t that wild?”
“But…I can’t be.”
“Yeah, but you sort of are.”
“A baby isn’t part of the plan. Not for another four or so years.” Tears leaked down my face. “No. You’re just being silly or something. I think I’d know if I was pregnant, Mal.”
He winced. “Ev…”
“I mean, come on! How is that even possible?”
“Not sure we have time for me to explain the birds and the bees to you.”
“I’m on birth control,” I continued in a calm if somewhat shrieking tone of voice. “My periods are light and irregular, but they’re there.”
Mal just shrugged. “I honestly don’t know what to tell you. Want me to take a picture and show you so you can see for yourself?”
“Don’t you dare take a picture of my vagina!”
“Right. Sorry. Bad idea,” he said. “Please don’t scream at me. The acoustics in this room are intense.”
“Oh my God. I’m having a baby, and David isn’t even here.” My head spun in the weirdest way, but I couldn’t faint. It was time to push again. “Ohhh!”
“That’s it,” said Mal, all excited. “Almost there.”
I pushed again, and something roughly the size of Texas slipped out of my nether regions and into Mal’s waiting hands. A cranky little cry filled the room, echoing off the tiled walls and floor. The most unexpected and amazing sound I’d ever heard. My head felt light, though, my body felt heavy. How the hell could this be happening?
“It’s a boy,” said Mal, voice ecstatic.
“A boy? Is he okay?”
“I think so.”
He wrapped the baby, my baby, in a clean towel and carefully handed him to me. The smallest, most surprising of things lay on my chest. A tiny perfect nose and rosebud lips. A tuft of dark hair coated in muck clung to his little head. I kept blinking back tears, trying to clear my fuzzy, freaked-out head, but the view never changed. A baby.
“I’ve got to find scissors and string and stuff,” said Mal. “That’s what they do on TV.”
“The paramedics should be here soon.”
“Might be better to wait for the professionals.” He sighed. “Holy shit. Talk about adrenaline. My heart is racing. Can’t believe I delivered a baby on your bathroom floor.”
“You’re telling me.” I traced a gentle finger over the small one’s cheek. Stunned was a great word. It summed up a whole hell of a lot with regards to this situation. “Where the heck did you come from? I don’t understand any of this.”
“Well, Child Bride, I can say with some authority that he did in fact come out of your lady parts.” His smile turned gentle. “You really didn’t know you were pregnant?”
Another tear fell down my face. “I didn’t have a clue. How did I not know, Mal? What am I going to tell David?”
Loud banging came from the front door.
Mal frowned. “I better get that. Stop freaking out. And give him boob. Babies love boob.”
I nodded, transfixed once more by the child’s tiny perfect features. My child. Mine and David’s. I didn’t know if I should cry some more, laugh in a hysterical fashion, or pass out cold. A mixture of all three might be nice. Instead, I just said, “Oh my God.”
* * * *
David rushed into the private hospital suite just before six the next morning. His long dark hair was tied back in a ponytail, his long-sleeve tee and black jeans rumpled as if he’d been in them for a day or two. And I, of course, burst into tears at the sight of his face. Because this was what I’d been holding out for. To finally have him here with me so I didn’t have to face this alone. But also, my hormones were running wild.
“Baby,” he said, rushing over to my bedside. His strong arms closed around me, and for the first time since this all started, I could actually breathe—but guilt still weighed heavily on me.
“I’m a terrible person,” I wailed. “A horrible mother. They shouldn’t even let me be a parent.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s true. I drank coffee. I even had a glass of wine last weekend!”
“And the pediatrician said your baby was a little early, but fine.” Mal rocked said baby over by the window. He gave David a tired smile. “Hey, man. Want to meet your son?”
“My son.” David shook his head. “Fuck. This is…”
“Wonderful,” finished Jimmy Ferris, taking a peek at the little burrito sitting in Mal’s arms. His smile was wide. “Absolutely fucking wonderful. Congratulations.”
David nodded, settling on the mattress beside me. Necessary because I had a death grip on him and wasn’t letting go. The last twelve hours may have traumatized me. He smoothed my messy hair and held me tight, letting me get it all out. The fear and the pain and everything. I cried until I was empty, and he held on to me the whole time. Whispering things like, “I’m here. It’s okay now. You did great. We’re going to be just fine. I love you.”
“We weren’t even going to start trying to get pregnant for another four years,” I said then sobbed my heart out again.
“Hey, baby, listen to me,” he said, voice firm. “I know this isn’t what we planned. But we’re going to be okay.”
Finally, I hiccupped and wiped my face. “Can I have a Kleenex?”
David passed me the box, and I blew my nose with nil decorum. Then I had a drink of water. Then I started pulling myself together, piece by piece. We could do this. We would do this. Together. I’d never been so overwhelmed in my life. But everything would be okay.
With a small smile, Mal brought over our unnamed child. “Look how chill he is. He knows he’s loved and getting looked after. Everything is cool with him. He’s fast asleep and dreaming of milk.”
“He’s so small,” said David, his eyes wide as twin moons.
“Just under seven pounds. A perfectly normal healthy birthweight.” Mal carefully handed him over. “Your boy is all good.”
On account of the four existing second-generation members of Stage Dive, we all knew how to hold babies. Which was lucky.
David stared, entranced by the baby’s face. The man was definitely paler than normal and had dark circles beneath his eyes. His brows sat high, and he kept shaking his head, like he couldn’t believe any of this was real. Join the club.
“They think that due to the placement of the placenta, I didn’t feel a lot of his movement. And because my uterus is tilted, I didn’t carry him out front so much,” I said. “I also didn’t get any morning sickness, which can happen. I was on contraception, so I never imagined that the breast sensitivity was anything more than hormones acting up. But no birth control is one hundred percent effective, as we’ve now seen.”