His eyes caught mine when he felt my stare.
I quickly looked out the window.
“What kind did you get?” Claire asked with her soft little voice.
“Sweet cream.”
Claire looked up at her father, strawberry ice cream all over her face. “Daddy?”
“Chocolate.” He grabbed a napkin and wiped up her face. “And you’re making a mess, sweetheart.”
She shrugged and kept eating.
It was hard to believe this was my life now, in a beautiful apartment in Paris, living with a man and his daughter. Everything before the cult felt like a blur now. That life didn’t seem real anymore. If I put on my ballet slippers, I probably wouldn’t even know how to dance anymore. It was no longer my identity.
Whenever I looked out the window, I just enjoyed the view. I didn’t search the streets for the skulls, for the cruel smile that haunted my dreams. As long as Benton was there, I was untouchable. He made me untouchable in other ways, too—from the cold, from the loneliness, the despair.
We walked back to the apartment as the sun started to set. It was a rare sunny day, and that made it even colder than usual. My breath escaped as vapor as I dug my hands into the pockets of my jacket.
Benton seemed immune to it.
When we made it back home, Claire got to work on her homework, and I sat with her and helped.
“Are you excited for Christmas?”
She nodded. “Christmas is my favorite holiday.”
“Yeah, mine too.” I looked at the tree near the fireplace, covered in lights and ornaments, a beacon of hope in these dark times. It filled the room with more warmth than the hearth.
“I wonder if my mom will come back for a visit.” Her eyes were down on her worksheet, pushing the pencil into the paper as she did her basic arithmetic.
Helpless, I just watched her, a brand-new crack forming in my heart.
Four
Benton
The doorbell rang.
Claire was at the dining table working on her homework with Constance, and her concentration was immediately shattered when she heard the sound. “Who’s that?”
I disappeared down the hallway and opened the door to see my brother on the other side. “Thought we were meeting there.”
“And miss seeing my niece?” He stepped around me and entered the house without invitation.
The two of us returned to the main room, and my brother’s eyes filled with warmth when he saw Claire sitting there. “Where’s my favorite niece?” He was cold and callous like I was, but he turned soft for Claire. Something else we had in common.
Claire left her chair and ran into his arms. “I’m your only niece, Uncle Bleu!”
“Oh yeah, that’s right.” He hugged her into his chest and squeezed her tight. “You’re so smart.”
She hung on to his neck. “I know.”
The chuckle that escaped my throat was instantaneous.
Bleu laughed too. “She really is your daughter, isn’t she?”
“Damn right.”
“Ooh.” Claire pulled back and looked at me. “Daddy cussed…”
I gave a shrug in guilt before I looked at Constance.
She wore a look of relief that I couldn’t explain. Like a boulder had been removed from her collar, her shoulders suddenly looked light. It was the same look she wore every time I came home, but I’d been at her side the entire day.
Bleu got to his feet and approached her. “Has she worn you out yet?”
Constance watched Claire come over to her with a look of fondness, and once she was close, Constance’s arm moved around Claire’s shoulders. “Nope.”
“I’m her best friend,” Claire said. “She loves me.”
Constance chuckled and gave her a pat on the shoulder. “You’re right about that, honey.”
Bleu turned back to me. “Ready?”
“Yeah.” I walked up to Constance. “Going out for a drink. I won’t be gone long.”
She nodded. “Have a good time.”
I gave Claire a kiss on the forehead before I walked out with my brother. It was a frigid night without the blanket of clouds overhead, but every time that ice-cold breath hit my lungs, it felt like the smoke of a good cigar. Side by side, we walked, headed to our favorite dive bar—The Green Goose.
We took our seats at the bar, each ordered something strong, and then relaxed after the first sip.
“Are you sure she’s your kid?” He swirled his glass as he surveyed everyone else in the bar. “Because she’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen, and you’re…you.” He took a drink and caught the dribble at the corner of his lip.
“I don’t know how I got so lucky either.” She had my hair and eyes, but she didn’t have my darkness and bitterness. Thankfully.
“Makes me want one…”
I turned my gaze on him.
“Someday.”
I took a drink. “They’re a lot of work.”
“Yeah?”
“A lot of heartache.”
“You seem happy.”
“That’s not how I mean it. When you love someone that much…it’s hard. You’re always worried. You’re always living in the future but reflecting on the past. This little person relies on you for everything—and you can’t fuck up.”
“I wonder if it would have been easier if you weren’t a single dad.”
“A million times easier…as Constance has shown me.” When I glanced at the other side of the bar, there were two women there, both staring in this direction. My eyes went back to my scotch, and I drenched my tongue.
“How are things with you guys?”
“Good.”
Bleu stared at me. “I saw the way she looked at you.”
I pivoted in the stool and met his look but gave nothing away.
“Guess she’s not too traumatized after all.”
I took another drink. “She came on to me, alright? Now drop it.”
“Lucky son of a bitch…”
“You don’t even know her.”
“Know her? She’s gorgeous. What else do I need to know?”
I sidestepped the comment by taking another drink.
My brother stared at the side of my face for a while, his glass on the counter. When he spoke again, his voice was serious, the taunts finished. “So, what is this? A relationship? Just a fling?”
“None of your business. That’s what it is.”
“Benton, come on.”
I finished my glass then clanked it on the counter, needing another.
The bartender filled it again—and made it a double.
“How’s the construction going?”
“It’s not. Haven’t taken a job in I don’t know how long…”
“Are you going to shut it down?”
“I intended to juggle both, but I’m tired as fuck.” Now I had two different personas. In the dark, I was a monster. But in the day, I was a doting father. “When Claire gets older and starts asking questions, I won’t be able to keep up the pretense. But I won’t be able to tell her the truth either.”