“Yes. One is constructive. The other is necessary, too, at times, but perhaps you are ready to move on,” Alexei said. “Grief is a process. It is nothing to be ashamed of and it is nothing to hurry along. I believe the problem you have is that you do not understand that you are grieving at all. You think she does not deserve grief. You believe the love you have is wrong because she was not woman you think she is.” Alexei frowned. “I am sorry. I do not ask what you wish to talk about. That was presumptuous of me. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, but that does not mean I should push my ideas on you. Forgive me. I have taken too many classes and now think I should be everyone’s therapist.”
He shook his head. “No. I mean there’s nothing to forgive. I did come here to talk about…how to move on. I know you can’t be the person I talk to. You’re too close to the situation.”
“We’re friends. I cannot be your therapist, but I know a good one in Del Norte. I can set up an appointment for you. You’ll like him. Good man. He used to practice in Denver. He came down here to enjoy rural life and discovered we need help, too, from time to time,” Alexei explained. “We will be opening small office together in a few months.”
“Good. I think it would be good for me to talk this out.”
It was awkward, but it was also right. It felt like a weight was starting to lift.
“You are ready then?” Alexei leaned forward. “I cannot be your permanent therapist, but we can sit here and talk about things if you would like. It can be good to talk when you are ready to accept the truth of a situation.”
“Yeah. I’d like that.” He wanted to get some stuff off his chest before he went to talk to Lucy and Ty. It would be good to feel like he’d started. It would be proof that he was willing to do the work he needed to do. Hopefully it would be enough to keep the doors open between the three of them.
“Excellent,” Alexei said. “Tell me what you are ready to accept. I’ve found it is helpful to say things aloud.”
He wasn’t sure exactly what Alexei wanted from him. “I’m ready to accept that I need to move on.”
Alexei’s dark head shook. “No, this is not what I think we need to acknowledge. Let me tell you what I believe you need. And I say this as your friend. Your therapist will merely be a guide to help you find your healing, but I am a friend so I get to say more. Michael, are you ready to accept that your pain was valid? That your love was valid?”
Fuck. The world went a little watery because Alexei was cutting to the heart of the problem. It should be easy. He would tell anyone that what they felt was valid. It was harder to accept for himself. “Yes.”
“Are you ready to accept that you are worthy? Worthy of happiness and love?”
God, he hoped so. He was ready for his ice to melt, to deal with the complexities that lay beneath. He was ready to risk it all again. They were worth the risk.
He was worth the risk.
“Yes.”
Alexei sat back. “Good. Then we can begin.”
Two hours later Michael walked across the lobby and into the hallway that led to the employee wing. He felt lighter than he’d been before.
He’d told himself that he didn’t need to talk, didn’t need to work through anything. He’d told himself he was strong enough to handle anything.
But sometimes there was strength in asking for help.
The hallway that led to the elevators was quiet at this time of the day. Everyone was either at work, or the late shifts were in their rooms, enjoying their down time. If he’d had a brain in his head, he would be up in the apartment, cuddling with Lucy and contemplating what they would have for lunch. None of them were due at work until four p.m. Lucy was overseeing the evening’s events.
Were they still having events?
Between the winter storm and the murder, he wasn’t sure. It was odd how normal the lodge seemed. Things were still running like nothing had happened. The restaurant had been busy when he’d walked by it. The same with the coffee stand.
Life moved on. He’d forgotten that. It was all right to grieve, to process, but life didn’t stop, and there was something comforting in that. The world hadn’t ended because he’d gone through something terrible. Bliss had moved forward. Alexei had spent those years at the local college, learning the art of listening. He’d been ready when Michael was. Lucy and Ty had been working all this time, growing so they were ready when it was time to start their little family.
He wasn’t going to look at the last two years as wasted time. It had been necessary time. No one could tell him how to grieve—and now he realized that was what he’d been doing. He could tell himself he’d been angry, but that was his pure stubbornness. He’d grieved the loss of something important, and now he was ready to begin something even more important. Now he was ready to reclaim parts of himself he’d thought lost forever. The parts that could love, the patient part of himself, the one who could be a husband and a friend.
Behind him he heard a door open and slam shut. He glanced back. Sylvan Dean walked down the hall, a grim look on his face. He stopped when he saw Michael, and his expression went blank.
It was definitely time to reclaim the part of himself that could feel compassion. Lucy thought a lot of this young man. “Hey, you doing okay?”
The younger man blinked. “Is that a real question or part of the interrogation, Marshal?”
That kid had obviously had a rough night. “I’m not working, Van. I’m really asking. Are you okay?”
Van’s gaze softened. “I don’t know, man. All I can think about is the fact that I poured that damn drink. I should have…I don’t know. Shouldn’t I have known? Doesn’t that poison have a strong smell?”
“Yes, but there’s also a portion of people who can’t smell it at all. It’s a genetic thing.” He’d done some research before going to sleep. It had made him feel like he was helping Lucy. “Also, you were surrounded by booze last night. I’m going to assume you don’t smell every drink you pour.”
“No. Of course not. I know it wasn’t my fault, but it’s hard to not think about the fact that I had a hand in that guy’s death.” His shoulders squared. “The same way Lucy did, which is to say, neither one of us killed him. She wouldn’t do that.”
Did everyone know what an ass he’d made of himself? “I know that. Look, I know we’re supposed to evaluate all the evidence and take time to really build a case, but I’m not technically working on this sucker, so I can tell you the truth. It’s one of his siblings, most likely. No one poisons a dude for throwing a punch or making an unwanted move. This was planned, and I suspect whoever did it waited patiently until they could make their move. The killer likely wanted multiple suspects, and he or she found that here. I know you have to answer some questions, but you should understand that Nate is a pro. He’s not going to be fooled.”
Van let out a long breath and seemed to relax a bit. “Okay. I’ll be patient then. I’ll be honest. I was thinking about calling my brother. He’s kind of a big deal in the investigative world. He’s a missing persons specialist now, but he used to do PI and security work. I didn’t want to because he already thinks I’m a fuck-up. I didn’t want to add potential murderer to the list of ways his baby bro is a dumbass. Not that he would really think I was a killer. I’m afraid my brother wouldn’t think I could be organized enough to kill someone.”