Jase rolled over in bed. Something was bothering him, something impatient he had to deal with. He reached for the tattered edges of the thought, or maybe it was a dream.
Where was he?
He reached for Cerys, before snapping his eyes awake.
Fuck, his phone.
“Then Kiss Me”, the song he’d written for her, played as he snatched the phone off his desk.
“Sunshine,” he said gruffly.
It took several attempts to focus properly, his eyes still bleary with sleep. But when he did, he could see her in his black T-shirt she’d taken from his suitcase as he’d packed, telling him she’d needed something of his to sleep.
And if his girl needed something, anything of his, she could have it.
“Sorry to wake you. I know I should probably be embarrassed by this, but . . . well, I knew I was going to miss you. Emotionally, I mean. But I’m missing you more physically than I thought was possible. It’s like an ache I can’t soothe.”
Jase smiled softly and closed his eyes for another moment before opening them again. “Little Jase is very moved that you are missing him.”
Cerys rolled her eyes. “Not just like that. Although, fine, it is like that. I do miss him. But I miss the way you play with the ends of my hair, or how you squeeze the back of my neck, or the way your fingers always reach for mine when you walk past me. I just . . .”
“You need a hug,” Jase said, pushing the duvet from his shoulders to free his arms.
“Seeing all that skin isn’t helping,” she said, grumpily.
“I don’t know, show me a bit of your skin and I’ll get inspired to help.”
“I’m not sure I’m cool about getting naked over a video chat.”
“Well, luckily for you, I have no such reservations. Play along if you want, heck, turn your camera off so you can see me, and I can’t see you. While I’d love to see you, I don’t want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”
“I know it’s probably not a big deal, but I don’t think I can do that, either.”
“Cerys,” Jase said, leaning into the camera. “Look at me.”
She did as he said. Her blue eyes were so perfectly clear he wanted to fall into them.
“It’s three weeks until I see you again. Shockingly, I could go that entire time simply exchanging text messages with you and it would be enough. But like you, I miss us. I miss the connection. So, we find a way to connect. This isn’t hard, it just requires a chat to figure out how. What’s going on in your head?”
Cerys paused, then snuggled deeper under the covers, propping the phone up on a pillow. Her face was clean of makeup, the way he loved her best of all. Christ, he missed her something fierce.
“I thought being here, working with Dad, working on the album would be enough to keep me distracted from you not being here. But it’s not. And I miss you. And I don’t understand how it all came to mean so much. I wondered if it was the intensity of it.”
An invisible band tightened around his chest.
While it didn’t sound as though she was breaking up with him, it sounded a bit like doubt. “Breathe with me for a sec, sunshine.”
“What?”
“You heard. Breathe with me for a sec.”
He breathed in deeply, as much for himself as for Cerys, but was relieved when she followed. Because right now, he felt a wave. A big one. One that told him he wasn’t enough right now. And he wasn’t going to let it knock him over.
He repeated it four more times.
“Better?” he asked.
Cerys let out a loud sigh. “Yes. I’ve been listening to your voice every day since you left. All day. And there’s outtakes. You laughing when a take wasn’t great. Or swearing at Luke. There’s a clip of you calling me sunshine that I snipped and sent to my phone for goodness’ sake. I’m surrounded by you, but it’s almost like you’re a ghost, because there’s no substance to it. And I wondered if it was just this perfect storm of us, and being snowbound, and this hugely intense process.”
“Do you honestly believe that?”
Cerys shook her head. “No. I miss you too much for it to be only that.”
“Do me a favour,” he said. “Put your hand on your face, exactly how you remember me doing it.”
Cerys cupped her cheek.
“Now close your eyes and rub your thumb along your cheekbone. And keep breathing slow and steady. Okay?”
Her eyes fluttered shut. “Okay.”
The band of pressure that had wrapped around his chest disappeared. Jase smiled at her softly, just watching her breathe, imagining it was his thumb on her skin. How many times had he cupped her cheek like that? Feeling her smooth warmth. “I’ve missed waking up with you in my arms. There are a few seconds in a morning when I wake up and think you must have rolled away in the night, and I reach out for you and realise you aren’t there. The first few days were brutal.”
“Jase,” she said, and he felt the ache of her words in his bones.
“No, keep your eyes shut,” he said, as they flickered open. “It’s been a shock to realise just how much I missed you, to be honest, because I never thought that would be the thing I was capable of. I fucking love sex, so I figured maybe that would be the way I’d think about you. That sex would be what I missed. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve jerked off to the idea of you riding my dick since I got home, but that lasts minutes in the shower. Missing you in bed in a morning can take hours to get over. Sometimes I just get up because lying in bed without you feels pretty miserable.”
Cerys sighed. “I even miss the way you tease my driving, and my winter boots, and the way you hold my face when you kiss me.”
“In fairness, I haven’t missed your driving in the same way I don’t miss bungee-jumping or swimming with sharks. But I have missed kissing you, in and out of your boots.”
She smiled. “Always a mix of insults and the sweetest thing.”
“It’s what keeps life interesting.” Jase closed his eyes. “Go back to sleep with me, babe. Keep talking until you’re too relaxed and tired. I miss the way you listen to me. I don’t think anybody has truly heard me in a really long time.”
“I miss the way you lie behind me on the sofa and tuck my hair under your cheek, so it doesn’t tickle your nose. And I realise we never took a bath together, and it’s something I really want to do with you.”
Petals. Candles. He could be romantic. At least, he’d die trying. “I’ll start a list of things we want to do together when you get home. I want to take you to meet Nan.”
“I want to meet her.”
“I miss your analogies. Helps me understand shit. And the way you cuddle up against my back until I turn over if I ever roll away from you.”
“You’re warm, and it’s winter,” she said, sleep lacing her words. “And it’s such a nice back.”
“I miss the way you dig your nails into it when you come, and the way you pretend you don’t like calling my dick Little Jase.”
She chuckled. “I’ll admit I miss Little Jase. I miss your dimples more, right now.”
He opened his eyes, even though he was tired, just to see her for a few moments more before she fell to sleep, and he couldn’t help but stroke his finger down the screen over her cheek. “I miss the smell of you. So fucking girlie, but I can’t get it out of my head.”