“Good.” I paused. “Are you going to see him again?”
“Next weekend.” She began putting plastic wrap over the dip Winnie had brought. “Winnie is such a doll. I wish she wasn’t moving away.”
I said nothing.
She glanced at me over her shoulder. “Don’t you?”
I shrugged, faking indifference. Trying to get back on an even keel. “What good would it do if she stayed?”
My sister rolled her eyes. “I don’t know, Dex. Maybe you’d enjoy a healthy adult relationship?”
“Nah.” I finished the last of my beer. “I’m not interested in a relationship. And she deserves way better than me.”
“I might be tempted to agree with you on that, but since she’s in love with you, it doesn’t matter.”
“She’s not in love with me,” I said quickly.
“Dex, she never stops smiling at you. And laughing at everything you say. And you can’t stop touching her.” Bree shook her head as she put the plastic wrap back in the drawer. “You’re just as crazy about her as she is about you. Don’t bother denying it.”
“Well, she’s leaving, so it doesn’t matter.”
“You know, there are things called airplanes that fly back and forth between Michigan and Rhode Island.” She turned around and leaned back against the sink, folding her arms. “Perhaps you’ve heard of them.”
“Perhaps you’ve heard of my two children.”
“What about them?”
“I can’t just fly off to Rhode Island when I feel like it. And despite having two jobs, I’m not rolling in money either. I can’t afford a bunch of plane tickets.”
“Excuses, excuses.” She shook her head. “Why won’t you admit she makes you happy?”
“They’re not excuses, Bree,” I said angrily. “I’m not rich. And I’m trying to be a better father than ours was, and that means being there for my kids.”
“You’re not Dad, Dex.” Bree was getting emotional too. “You never have been.”
“That took work!” My body temperature rose as my temper flared. “He was the only example of fatherhood I had, and everything I’ve ever done was to distance myself from that.”
“Exactly!” She shook her head. “You were never afraid of becoming Dad. You were afraid of becoming Mom. You still are.”
“What?” I glared at her.
“You hated the way Mom loved him and kept taking him back. You thought she was gullible and weak.”
“She was!” I exploded. “She let him come back into our lives and hurt her—hurt us—again and again. That’s what happens when you love someone. You give them the means to hurt you!”
“It’s called being vulnerable, Dex, and it’s not a bad thing. It’s healthy! What’s not healthy is keeping your feelings all bottled up inside because you’re afraid to love somebody.”
“I’m not afraid of anything!” I roared.
She held up her palms and lowered her voice. “Okay, okay. Stop shouting.”
But I couldn’t stop—it felt like a volcano was erupting inside me. “And besides the fact that Winnie and I have explicitly agreed to keep things casual, I made up my mind when Naomi and I split that I wasn’t ever going through that again.”
“Not all relationships end badly, Dex. And I never said anything about getting married. I just don’t see why you’d throw away what you guys have when it’s so good.”
“We don’t have anything, Bree,” I snapped. “It’s just sex. That’s it. Sex. So stop trying to put words in my mouth or invent feelings I don’t have. I’m not in love with her. When she leaves, we’re done.”
Bree’s eyes went wide, and she pressed her lips into a thin line. Her focus was over my shoulder, and I knew without turning around that Winnie was standing there. My guts churned.
Closing my eyes, I exhaled, my shoulders dropping.
Behind me, I heard her voice, small and hurt. “Um, I’ll just wait outside. Thanks for everything, Bree.”
When I opened my eyes, I saw my sister with her hands over her mouth. “Think she heard me?”
She nodded.
“Fuck!” I clanked my empty beer bottle on the counter, wishing I could shatter it against the wall—or even better, my stupid skull.
“Hey.” Justin appeared in the kitchen doorway. “Winnie just blew out of here like a hurricane. Everything okay?”
“I gotta go.” I shouldered past him and headed for the door.
Twenty-Two
Winnie
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.
Out on the porch, I took a few deep breaths of the crisp October air, trying to keep the sobs from escaping.
I felt like I’d just gotten the wind knocked out of me.
How had this happened? I’d been so careful this time! I’d been so sure I wouldn’t wind up hurt as long as I kept my expectations realistic and my feelings in check.
But you didn’t do that, did you?
A spiteful voice in my head spoke up.
It doesn’t matter what you said you were going to do—it’s what you went ahead and did that matters. And you went ahead and fell for this unavailable guy who told you right from the start that he wasn’t interested in you like that.
Yes, he was a jerk to say those things. But you’re a fool. And only one of you will cry yourself to sleep tonight.
One tear slipped down my cheek, followed by another. Behind me, the door opened, and I swiped at my cheeks, glad for the dark.
“Ready to go?” I asked, proud of how calm my voice sounded.
“Yeah.”
We walked to the car, and I waited stiffly while he unlocked the passenger door. When I got in, I was careful not to brush against him, and I pulled the door shut myself.
Worried he was going to apologize or offer an explanation right there at the curb, I was relieved when he started the car and put it in drive. I really didn’t want to hear him say he was sorry. Not this time.
The ride home was tense and silent. I gripped the edge of my seat as if it was a life raft in choppy waters. When he pulled into his garage, I was quick to unbuckle my seatbelt.
“Winnie, wait.” He reached over and circled my wrist. “Don’t go yet.”
I froze, one hand on the door handle.
“I need to apologize.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“Yes, it is. I didn’t mean what I said.”
“I think you didn’t mean for me to hear it.”
He exhaled. “That’s true, but what I said came out wrong. It’s not just sex between us. I was worked up about things my sister was saying, and I lost my temper.”
“It’s fine. I’m going now.”
But he held on to my wrist. “It’s not fine, Winnie. I said something shitty, and you should call me out on it.”
“Is that what you want?” Snatching my hand from his grip, I shifted to face him. “For me to get so mad I never want to see you again? For me to say shitty things right back to you so I can hurt your feelings the way you hurt mine?”