We sit next to each other on the sand again, but now the moment has shifted. Where did that even come from?
“I’m sorry,” I say, realizing it was me who initiated the kiss out of nowhere. My heart is pounding with exhilaration, mixed with embarrassment at the wildness that just came over me.
“I’m sorry. You were upset,” Ted says, rubbing his chin with a hand, his eyes closed. “I shouldn’t have done that.” His words sting—was it a sympathy kiss then? He clasps a hand over mine, and I realize he’s holding my pendant in his palm. “Don’t throw your precious things in the sea, Laura. You might regret it.”
Immediately, I think of his wedding ring. Does he already regret throwing that away? What am I doing? Only an hour ago, I was kissing Jasper. I don’t think it’s very ladylike to kiss two different men on the same day. Ted is technically still married, looking for his wife, a wife I now know how to find. He lets go of my hand, and I feel goose bumps prickle up the length of my arm. I want to reach out for him again, but I don’t.
“Do you want me to see if I can find your watch?” he asks, standing up and making to take off his T-shirt.
“No, Ted.” I reach up my hand to stop him. “I have to tell you something.” My voice sinks.
“If it’s that you’re seeing someone else at the moment, well, I kind of know that,” he says with an uneven laugh that catches in his throat.
“It’s not that, though—well, yes, there is that . . .” I trail off, digging in my handbag for the page of Belinda’s letter, my hand shaking. “This was in among your dad’s letters; I found it last night. Gerry says he lost it, then forgot about it. He didn’t mean to keep it from you.”
I pass it to him quickly. He takes it from me, his brow furrowed with two deep lines. I look away, not wanting to see the look on his face as he processes what it is.
When I turn back, he is pacing in the sand.
“Why didn’t you give this to me last night, when you found it?” he asks, his voice hard.
“I’m not sure,” I say, closing my eyes, hearing the hurt in his voice. “You had so much else you were dealing with, I thought it might be better seen in the light of day . . .” I trail off, hearing how pathetic my excuse sounds.
“I have to go,” Ted says gruffly, folding the letter into his pocket. “I’m sorry, Laura, none of this is a good idea. I can’t—”
He lays a hand gently on my shoulder. I touch my hand up to his, giving him permission to go, and it feels what’s between us is over before it even began.
And then his hand is gone and so is he. I’m left alone on the beach, perhaps more alone than I’ve ever been, my head and my heart full of more swirling confusion than they were before.
24 May 1992
Alex,
Laura May Le Quesne, born 22 May, 8:45 a.m.
Photo enclosed. I wanted her to have your name.
You can meet her whenever you want to, just let me know.
Annie
Chapter 23
With soaking-wet capri pants, I walk up the track back to the cottage. The cut on my leg stings from the salt water. I waded into the waves to look for my watch, worried I had littered the sea, but of course I couldn’t find it. Ted’s cab is gone from the drive. I let myself into the cottage and strip off my wet clothes, lying down on the bed naked.
I turn on my phone and it lights up with messages. There are two photos from Jasper, one he took of us together on the boat and the other a large Victoria sponge cake covered in strawberries.
I’m sorry if I didn’t say the right thing earlier. Can I make it up to you with cake? Just let me know, I’ll come get you.
His message makes me smile and then feel incredibly guilty. I told him I needed time alone, then used that time to kiss another man. Here is Jasper—perfect, gorgeous Jasper—no games, no “playing it cool” before texting me. He is everything I said I wanted. But now I’ve gone and confused everything by jumping on Ted. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking.
My phone rings, Dee—she will be able to tell me if I’m a terrible person or not.
“Hey,” she says, “you OK? Your gran called me. She told me about your parents. So, your aunt was right? I’m so sorry, are you OK? Are you back tomorrow? Do you want to come straight to mine?”
Dee is one of the few people who knew my mum well, and she’s as surprised as I am by this revelation. As we talk about it, I find my anger at being lied to has already mellowed. Instead, I feel sad that Mum felt the need to hide the truth. She was a romantic, and I am sorry that she didn’t get the happily ever after she wanted.
Dee is worried about me being out here on my own. I reassure her I am not—that I’ve spent the morning with Jasper, and then Ted. Then I end up filling her in on everything that’s happened since we last spoke on the phone in Jasper’s bathroom.
“Right,” says Dee, sounding confused. “So Ted is the weirdy beardy old taxi driver, right?”
“No—well, yes, but he’s shaved now and he’s not weird, or even that old. He’s pretty wonderful, in fact.”
“Yesterday, you thought Jasper was your soulmate—the one the universe has been leading you to, the person you have everything in common with. And this morning he took you on an amazing day date and you had a lovely time? Am I getting this right?”
I let out a frustrated sigh.
“I did have a lovely time with Jasper.” I squeeze my eyes closed. “And Ted kind of ran away after kissing me, and it doesn’t even make sense that I like him in that way.”
“So, to recap,” says Dee, “it’s a choice between perfect, compatible, available Jasper, who sounds fully into you and is everything you said you were looking for in a man, or hairy old beard guy, who’s technically married and runs away after kissing you.”
“Well, when you say it like that . . .” I groan.
“Hmmm, sounds like a tough decision,” Dee says sarcastically.
“But this kiss, Dee! This kiss!”
“Unsuitable men always kiss better, everyone knows that. Laura, I’m sorry, but it sounds to me like you are looking for reasons to ruin things with Jasper. You were so sure he was the one yesterday. You were sure, even when you only had his luggage to go on, but now he’s gorgeous, interested, and single too!”
“I know,” I say with a sigh.
“Do you remember Aaron Sargent? Who you dumped because he put the handbrake on at junctions, and Jamie Johnson, who got ditched for buying you a naff teddy bear with ‘I’m Yours’ written on the front?”