Jasper starts singing “In the Air Tonight.” Out of frame, Suki flaps her hands at him angrily but says lightly, “Ha-ha, I don’t think we have clearance for song lyrics, Jasper. What else was in the case, Laura, tell us about the Colton Rouge?”
Saul is making a face at me from behind the camera, as though he’s watching his favorite cashmere jumper get tumble-dried. Dionne is leaning against the wall, watching Jasper as though he’s a box full of newborn puppies.
“Oh right.” My heart sinks down into a puddle inside of me, where it finds my soul squatting like a miserably deflated balloon animal. “I just love the smell of Colton Rouge, and I knew any man who had such great taste in toiletries had to be the man for me.”
Now I sound like a complete wally. Who goes for a guy based on their discerning taste in fragrances? Then I remember my checklist, all the things I thought were so important, like being well dressed, musical, having the same tastes as me. Jasper gives my arm a squeeze, as though he senses I’ve lost enthusiasm for the sales pitch and is nudging me to keep the energy up.
“I’ve also got great socks,” cuts in Jasper with a click of his fingers.
Suki is shooting daggers at me, probably because I’ve stopped smiling.
My hands ball into fists, a bead of sweat trickles down my back, my breathing grows shallow. All these years I’ve defended my job, focused on the positive elements and ignored the parts that made me uncomfortable. Suki says we’re all one big happy family, but now I see her scowling across at me, I know she doesn’t have a single motherly feeling toward me. Any loyalty I felt going through with this shoot for her sake was entirely misplaced.
To keep my hands still, I thrust them into the pockets of my trousers. My fingers find the blue sea glass, the mermaid’s tear Ted gave me on the beach. I rub the surface of the stone between my fingers.
“The moment Laura and I met to exchange our bags, right here, in this gorgeous Contessa Kitchen, with all these bespoke fixtures and fittings, I saw straightaway how much we had in common.” Jasper grins at me.
He really is lovely, and sweet and incredibly good-looking, in a Christian Bale, Ken doll sort of way.
But he is not Ted.
And “I like you” from Ted is enough.
Never mind the fact that Ted can’t promise me anything beyond today. I’d rather have one day with him, even if it leads nowhere, than spend my time with anyone else. And maybe I’ll lose my job, and I have no idea what to do next, but as the proverbial Gerry said—maybe that’s OK.
Suki coughs.
“What have you got there, Laura, what are you fiddling with?” Suki says in a trying-not-to-sound-furious-because-we’re-live-but-clearly-bloody-furious voice.
Everything is suddenly so clear to me, but how am I going to get out of this without hurting Jasper? He has gone along with all this; I cannot walk out or admit my doubts live on air. If anyone is going to be embarrassed here, it should be me, not him. So, I say the one thing I know will kill the interview dead, that will make Suki cut the live feed immediately.
“I’m sorry, I can’t in good conscience go along with this deceit. It isn’t true, it isn’t real,” I say, taking a deep breath. “Neither of us had Travella bags—they were John Lewis’s own label.”
TIGER WOMAN ON INSTINCT
Half of the battle is knowing what you want. When you know what you want, you can pounce on it with four paws. If you don’t know: Stop. Breathe. Look. Smell. Tiger Women have senses, instincts. Use them.
Chapter 29
“Agghhh!” Suki screams. “Cut, cut, cut!” She leaps from her chair, launching herself at Saul, knocking the camera phone and tripod to the floor, where she and Saul then scrabble around to end the transmission.
“What?” Jasper looks at me with confusion.
“I’m so, so sorry, Jasper, but I can’t do this. I’ve just realized I have feelings for someone else. I can’t be a part of this interview.”
“Laura Le Quesne, what the hell are you playing at?” Suki fumes, picking herself back up off the floor and dusting down her trouser suit with both hands. “Are you having a seizure? What am I witnessing here?”
“I’m sorry, Suki, I don’t want to lie anymore,” I say, looking at her through unblinking tiger eyes. Though I have only skim-read it, and it’s not a book I would have chosen myself, some of Tiger Woman’s philosophy must have resonated because suddenly I don’t want to feel obliged; I don’t want to be polite; I don’t care if I end up alone; I just want to listen to my gut and be the version of myself I am when I’m with Ted—raw and unfiltered.
“Who? Who do you have feelings for?” Jasper asks, a look of bewilderment on his face. “I thought this was all going so well. We have so much in common.”
“I know, it was and we do. You’ve been so lovely and kind and I really have enjoyed spending time with you, but I think sometimes the heart doesn’t make any sense at all.”
“Right,” says Suki, striding toward me. “We’ll blame the interview outage on some kind of interference. Let’s start it again, we won’t do it live, we’ll salvage it in the edit.”
“No,” I say, squeezing Jasper’s hand and then walking past Suki, away from the lights.
“No?” she says in angry bemusement.
“I won’t do this interview. I’m sorry, Suki.”
“Laura, don’t be childish. If we don’t deliver this, you’ll be letting down the whole Love Life family, not just me. Think of your colleagues, of their jobs.” Suki’s face looks as though it’s trying to make a conciliatory expression, but her eyes are shooting arrows at me.
“I’m sorry, Suki, but no, you can’t control this one.” I shrug. “I want to write real stories again, I want to write things that are true, not just ‘brandable content,’ and if that means leaving Love Life, well, then so be it.”
Dionne is staring at me, unblinking in disbelief. Saul is fanning himself briskly with a hand, as though all this drama is causing him to overheat.
“After all I’ve done for you!” Suki snarls. “Well, don’t come crying to me when no one wants to read your ‘truth,’ Laura. The truth is boring. People want to buy a dream, not be reminded of reality.”
“You’re wrong—I think all any of us want in this world is something real.”
Picking up my handbag, I head for the door. I have nothing more to say. My legs are shaking, and I need to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, to walk in a straight line.