“Mom? I made pasta. Sorry, I had a ton of homework and forgot to take the chicken out to thaw.”
I entered the kitchen and pulled my son into a bone-crushing hug. After I took a step back from him, I took inventory of his face, before tugging at his velvety earlobes and smacking a wet kiss on his forehead, something he disliked, yet indulged me nonetheless.
At thirteen, Bear was already a head taller than me. Not a huge surprise, seeing as he took after his father, who was a six-three tight end in high school.
It probably should depress me.
How Bear used me as a womb-for-hire and came out the spitting image of Robert Gussman. The same floppy chestnut hair, impish emerald eyes with golden flecks, deep dimples that popped out even when they talked, and slightly crooked nose.
It should, but it didn’t.
Because Bear was so much his own person, Rob had become nothing but a faded scar at this point. Like an old penciled letter, the words erased by time and nearly indistinguishable.
“Pasta’s perfect.”
I rose on my toes to kiss his cheek. For all his handsomeness, Bear, like other boys his age, smelled of socks, hormones, and farm goats.
I pulled away, noticing he’d already set the table and served our dishes. “How was school?”
We both sat at the table, digging into his extra al dente (read: completely uncooked) pasta, drenched in a suspicious supermarket sauce.
“Pretty good. I mean, Mr. Shepherd is still pestering me about joining the football team, which is a drag, but other than that, it was nice.”
“Don’t let him strong-arm you into anything. You are not Rob. You don’t have to play ball.”
“There’s no danger of me becoming a jock. It’s so much effort for basically nothing.”
“Anything else going on in your life?”
Bear scrunched his nose, which made those dimples pop. “Not really.”
Something inside me softened, turning into an almost-dull ache. He didn’t want to tell me about the video game. Didn’t want to worry me about it.
“How was your day at work?” He looped a forkful of red pasta and scooped it into his mouth.
Well, son, it was worse than Abraham’s on the day God spontaneously told him he needed to circumcise himself at the age of ninety-nine.
Now it was my turn to lie. Or at the very least, give him an edited version of the truth.
“Great. Jerry might be needing me for some extra shifts in the next few weeks. That means more money. We can splurge a little. Anything you need?” I hoovered pasta into my mouth.
Thankfully, the stupid cruise was paid for by the Costellos, who weren’t exactly strapped for cash.
“Nah, don’t worry ’bout me. You should spend that money on yourself, Mom. You never get yourself anything.”
“That’s nonsense.” I waved my fingers, gulping air like there was too much of it in my airpipes. Holy sheet-balls, had he put Tabasco in this sauce? “I get myself these nails.”
“Nice try. Auntie Gail does them for free. I’m not stupid.” He rolled his eyes.
He was, in fact, the opposite of stupid. Bright and wise beyond his years. It was time I stopped lying to him about the small stuff just to make myself feel better.
The rest of the evening was bliss.
Bear and I watched American Idol together while eating pistachio ice cream in front of the TV. We laughed and passed judgment as if either of us could hold a note to save our lives. Then he kissed my forehead, wished me goodnight, and retired to his room.
A few minutes later, I heard soft snores down the hallway, escaping from his ajar door. That boy could sleep through the Kentucky Derby. Whilst being on a horse.
I grinned to myself, shaking my head as I gathered our ice cream bowls and empty iced tea glasses, making my way to the kitchen. The doorbell chimed just as I began to rinse the dishes clean.
With a soft sigh, I turned off the faucet, wiped my hands dry, and made my way to the front door.
The doorbell rang again before I could reach it.
“I’m coming, I’m coming. Sheesh.”
Was it my mother, passing by on one of her nightly walks in a bid to lose weight to tell me she’d decided to buy Bear his video game after all? Or maybe my sister, wanting me to look over a last-minute change to the flower arrangements or the wedding menu?
I flung the screen door open, and all the air left my lungs in one shocked whoosh.
On my front porch stood Rob Gussman, my high school sweetheart and Bear’s no-show Dad.
Thirteen years after leaving me pregnant at sixteen.
“Messy Nessy.” He smiled. “All grown up and lookin’ good.”
I slammed the screen door in his face.
I could see through the glass that Rob loitered on my porch, his big athletic body shifting as he tried to figure out his next move. He stepped aside and stared at me through a side window, channeling his inner Ted Bundy.
“Okay. I admit it sounded way better in my head as an opening line. Sorry. Sorry. My bad. Can you open the door, please?”
I knew a few things about Rob, mostly from whispers overheard around town, seeing as he’d used his two working brain cells not to return to Fairhope, after leaving me high and dry in high school.
He knew my dad, who’d served as the town’s sheriff for twenty years, would hunt him down with a rifle and I would finish him off myself, with my bare hands.
I knew he’d taken a scholarship when I was sixteen and fled to Arizona, hoping to eventually get drafted into the NFL.
Knew he never did get his shot to go pro, and he spent the last decade playing for amateur leagues and coaching on the side to make ends meet.
I knew he’d been married—twice—and gotten divorced, but he had no other children.
But the most important thing I knew about him was what a deadbeat he was. He’d never met his son.
Never sent a postcard, a birthday present, a note, not to mention a darn check. Never asked a goddarn question about the best thing in my life.
It was his complete rejection of Bear that was inexcusable to me.
Rob didn’t have to stay with me. But walking away from what he referred to as my mistake?
Yeah, fat chance getting off my fist list (people I wanted to punch) in this century, pal.
“C’mon, Nessy.”
Rob pressed his hand against the window, mustering just enough sadness to look pathetic. On second glance, he didn’t look like the old Rob at all. The one chock-full of ambition and dimples and opportunity.
He looked as worn-out, tired, and empty as I felt.
Good.
“Please,” he said softly. “I’ve been mustering the courage to come here for a week now. Give me five minutes.”
I pulled the door open again. I wasn’t curious at all as to why he was here. The number of dangs I gave about his reasons were currently minus fifteen and counting.
But if he truly was in a bad state, I didn’t want to be the person to shove him over the edge into the arms of suicide. Despite all of my internal wishes for people to die, I wasn’t so big on the concept in actuality.
Plus, he was still the father of my child, even if he’d never acted it.
Rob wore a North Face windbreaker, an expensive haircut, and a cast on his right leg. Something hot and full of shame swirled in the pit of my stomach when I thought about what he saw when he looked at me.