I sent him dozens of texts, starting the day after he dropped me off at my parents’ house after posting my bail.
Tennessee: I’m really sorry.
Tennessee: Can’t we just stay a secret for a few more days? Weeks? Months?
Tennessee: I’m doing you a favor, you know. No one wants to publicly claim me. I’m like…like…an STD! Gonorrhea, if you would.
Tennessee: Remember Mrs. Warren? I miss her, sometimes. But only because she reminds me of you.
Tennessee: Ugh. That sounded so much better in my head.
After the door had closed behind me and I had to face my family on my own, I knew I’d made the wrong decision.
I didn’t want to be around any of them. They made me feel horrible—stupid, reckless, and unequipped. I wanted to be around Cruz, who always valued my opinions, my words, and my wishes.
My mother had yelled that she couldn’t believe I’d tried to kill someone and wondered aloud how many Hail Marys I should say in church next Sunday—if I could set foot in the place ever again without burning up in flames.
My dad said he’d suffered a great deal of embarrassment from having his daughter arrested, wanted to let me rot in jail, but did mention that the evidence against me was very weak.
And Trinity flat-out refused to look at me. She stayed upstairs the entire time, opting not to come down, probably because she didn’t want to hit me again in front of my son.
Bear was the only one who was supportive about it. He gave me a big hug (a bear hug, if you would) and told me that he believed me. It was a sad state of affairs that the only person in the household who took my word was the one I also delivered out of my vagina.
As it stood, though, I didn’t have much of my family’s support—if at all—in addition to losing Cruz.
Which was why I was already in a particularly sour mood when I found out I was put on a temporary leave.
“Just until everything clears up and it all blows over.” Jerry sighed on the other line as I made lunch for Bear.
“But I didn’t do anything wrong,” I answered through gritted teeth.
I didn’t want to beg for this job, but I didn’t want my electricity to be cut off, either.
“I know that, honey pie. Everyone knows it. Which is why I expect to call you back as soon as next week.”
“You expect me to just sit around and wait for you?” I waved my fist in the air, even though he couldn’t see it.
“Yes,” Jerry said simply. Unapologetically. “Look, no one else in this town is going to hire you right now.”
Too tired to bargain with him, I hung up and finished making the veggie casserole and salad. When the food was ready, I flopped on the couch and screamed into one of the throws.
Weirdly, I cared more about losing Cruz than my job.
“Mom?” I heard a few minutes later—or maybe hours—and realized I’d fallen asleep.
I rubbed my eyes, swinging my legs from the sofa and standing up. Bear was kicking off his sneakers by the door, looking sweaty and happy.
“Care Bear! Food’s ready. Help me set the table.” I was already on my way to the kitchen, pretending all was well in the world.
“Don’t worry about food. I bumped into Cruz on my way back from school. He was on his lunch break, so he bought me tacos.”
I froze mid-step, turning on my heel to look at him.
“You hung out with Cruz?”
“Yeah.” He scrunched his nose, moving into the kitchen and pouring himself a glass of water. “Sorry. I know you two broke up or whatever. But, like, it’s cool to be friends with him still, right?”
“Of course.” I recovered, plastering a smile over my face.
I wished Cruz being there for Bear was a sign he still wanted me. Unfortunately, knowing Cruz, he was just being his usual, perfect self. A painful notion I couldn’t name stabbed at me.
Cruz and Bear genuinely liked each other.
“Mom?”
“Hmm?”
“Are you all right?”
“Of course, Care Bear! Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Uhm, because you’re crying?”
“I am?” I patted my cheeks quickly, horrified to realize that they were, indeed, wet. It didn’t help my self-pity that not one member of my family had dropped by to check how I was doing. “Well, must be seasonal allergies. Let me go wash my face real quick, honey. I’ll be right back.”
When I came back, Bear was sitting at the kitchen table, clutching his phone, looking guilty.
“What’s up?” I asked breezily. I pulled a sleeve of cookies from the pantry and dumped it between us, getting out a carton of milk and plopping beside him. “Why are you looking at me funny?”
Bear’s face contorted. “Well, I kind of did something behind your back.”
“Please don’t let ‘something’ be a girl. I’m too young to be a grandmother.”
Bear’s eyes widened, and he shook his head frantically. “Jesus, Mom, no. Not even in the same realm.”
“Right. Hit me with it, then.”
“I called Rob.”
“You did? When? And why would I be mad? I am happy you two are connecting.” I pulled two cookies from the sleeve, shoving them into my mouth.
“Well, that’s the thing. I called him so he could come here. Right now.”
I opened my mouth to tell my son he was grounded until the age of nineteen when the doorbell chimed. Bear hurried to answer the door. A second later, Rob was in my kitchen.
“Hi, Nessy.”
“Peasant.”
“I come bearing gifts.”
“Are they the monthly checks for the past thirteen years? Because I’m grateful for the last three, but you have some serious catching up to do.”
He sat next to me, plopping a huge bucket of popcorn to the center of the table. I saw by the red-and-white stripes that it was from the local arcade.
I was trash for this popcorn. It was the greasiest, most unhealthy thing on planet Earth, and I could not resist it for the life of me.
The fact that he’d remembered my favorite snack from when we were dating made my stomach turn to mush, and a piercing zing of nostalgia ran through me.
“Hmm, popcorn. That’s almost as good as the checks.” I buried my hand in the carton.
Bear took some, too.
“I called Rob here because I feel like you should talk to a grown-up, and I’m just not… I don’t know, good for the job.” Bear stood up, looking between us. “So I’m going to go wait in my room, and after you guys are done, Rob, I want you to buy me the new Assassin’s Creed.”
“Only if your mom’s okay with that.”
Rob swung his gaze to me. I gave a quick nod. I normally liked to read about a video game online to see just how violent it was before purchasing it (spoiler: they’re all violent), but in my current mental state, I would let Bear watch MMA with little to no resistance.
“Great.” Bear gathered more popcorn—as much as he could fit into his fists—and evacuated the kitchen, leaving Rob and me alone.
“So…” I drank straight from the milk carton—one of the rarest joys of becoming an adult and paying your own rent. “I guess you know about my little jail stint. You were there to take care of Bear when I was inside.”