Those silver eyes narrow and he loses all casualness. Kassam jerks upright, no longer lounging, and when I pull back, he grabs my hand and tugs me toward him, searching my face. "Why do you make that sound like goodbye?"
Oh. I guess I'm as terrible at hiding things as he is at revenge. "It's not goodbye," I say. "Not yet. But you have to be prepared for the worst."
"I will not let you leave me, Carly." His entire body grows stiff with determination, a scowl on his face. "You will stay at my side forever. That is what we vowed."
"I know we said that," I say to him. "I just…might not have a choice. What if the Spidae don't want to grant us any favors?"
"Then they are worse than Seth, and they will have my undying vengeance." His jaw flexes, and I can tell he's upset. "You…would you stay with me if you could? If it was your choice? This is not your world, and I know I have pushed and pushed for many things, but I am no longer pushing, Carly. I am asking."
And asking is significant for one like him. I understand that completely. He's a god. He demands and his wishes are fulfilled. He's not used to getting thwarted, and I can tell it bothers him. "Of course I'd stay with you." I give him a teasing look. "I need to one-up you again after that last round with the toys. I still can't believe you demanded those from the vizier."
I wait for his eyes to brighten with teasing. For him to pick up the thread that I've dropped at his feet, and to play around. To smile and become my laughing, sunshine-filled Kassam again. He doesn't, though. He simply gazes at me with those intense silver eyes, so bright in his bronze face, and watches me. "I love you, my Carly. Perhaps you do not understand how significant that is—"
"I know it's a big deal," I interrupt, chuckling.
He shakes his head again. "No, you don't. I am a god. A god that has been punished by the High Father many times over for my infractions. With immortality and power, you are used to getting what you want. Anything you ask for is yours. Anything you say is law. It ends up affecting how you think. The High Father has been trying to make us realize that for a very, very long time, but we are stubborn children. Resistant. I have had many anchors, and none of them have affected me like you do. None of them have talked to me as you do. They were either afraid of me, or so fiercely determined to do my bidding and please me that they lost their own way. It did not help me." Kassam gives me an earnest look. "But you, Carly, you help me."
I'm silent. Astonished, but silent.
"You make me realize when I am being selfish, or foolish. You point out when I am not thinking of others, only of myself. And you make me think. You make me realize when I am thinking only of my needs, and you make me consider other ways. For the first time in my long existence, I worry about how another being will perceive me. I have never cared if the High Father thought I was aimless, or useless. I have never cared if the dragons suffered under my rule, or if the conmac were angry at being forced to serve. I thought it was my right as a god. As their god. But when I am with you, and I see your disapproval, it makes me think. It makes me try to see it from their eyes. To realize that just because it is something I want, that does not make it right." He clenches a fist over his heart. "I have known many humans, my Carly, but you pierce my soul."
Oh.
Wow.
No one has ever said such sweet, such earnest things to me. I'm a little shell-shocked to hear this coming from laughing, carefree Kassam. Flustered, I manage a smile. "You make it sound like I'm special, but I'm not, Kassam. I'm just an average woman from Earth. It's not like I did anything unusual. Maybe…maybe you were just ready to have your soul pierced. Maybe after what you went through, you were ready to listen. It doesn't mean that I'm special."
"You are special to me." He devours me with his eyes in that hungry, hungry gaze. "Surely the Fates will look kindly upon that."
"I hope so," I say softly. I want that, more than anything. I want to stay with him and help him restore himself to power. I want to watch him grow in his awareness of how it is to be human. I want to play more one-up games with him. I want everything that being with Kassam has to offer. For the first time, I realize that I don't want to go back to Chicago. That I miss my mother, that missing her is like a dull ache in my breast that throbs daily, but I don't want to return.
Not if it means I lose Kassam. I want to be his wife. I want to be his partner. His everything.
I hope we can figure it out.
Kassam studies me, his expression thoughtful. "Your head still hurts you, does it not? I can feel it."
Does it? Everything feels so “off” and unsettled in my body at this point that it's hard to tell. I can't decide if things are broken inwardly or if they've always just felt a little hollow. Maybe “busted” is my new norm. At any rate, it doesn't matter. This is what I've got to work with. I shake my head at him and pick up my tunic once more, determined to finish washing him off. "You're the one that fought a nasty battle today. I should be taking care of you."
He snatches the tunic out of my hands. "Carly," he warns.
"Kassam," I mimic his scolding tone and reach for the tunic.
"Do you think your path was any easier? I was the one in the city, but you were the one fueling me. It was your power that created those bridges. Your strength that allowed our army to move forward. I felt how much it drained you. I felt your pain." The anguished expression returns to his face. "I felt all of it, and I still kept going, because I thought I had to. I thought I needed it, until I saw your face and realized how much it had cost you."
I bite the inside of my cheek. Everything in me says I should tell him that he pulled so hard that he broke something inside me. That I felt a snap—oh god, I hope it wasn't my thread—and I've felt unmoored ever since. But I don't want him to think I blame him. I don't. This was wholly my choice. It was my idea for the bridges, my idea for him to pull his magic, and I'm going to own it. "Let's just agree that we both had a shitty day, hmm?"
He grunts and then gives my sodden tunic a squeeze. "Then I will allow you to wash me, but only if I get to wash you, too."
"Deal." I don't mind a bit of pampering, and I'm itching to touch him. Something about just being close with Kassam eases some of the anxiety inside me. I slip my pants off and then step into the stream, not entirely surprised to see that it's only about knee-deep. At home, I'd probably be afraid of snakes or curious fish, but Kassam controls the environment here. There's nothing to fear. With that, I gesture for him to join me, and when he stands in front of me in the water, I take my time wiping the tunic over his skin. I tsk over every cut and scratch, even though they're healing. He tells me of how the day went, of the people he fought despite his efforts. He only wanted to seek Riekki, but defenders kept getting in the way and blocking him.
"I tried to kill no one, Carly. I truly did. They were just doing as the goddess commanded them."
"I know," I soothe. He's not a killer, my Kassam. Maybe the old Kassam was, but he's had his eyes opened, and he sees things differently now. He sees mortals as people, and I know each time he had to defend himself, it hurt him in his spirit. "It's over with," I promise him. "It's done. You've closed that door."