She stopped her storytelling and looked at me. “I’m sorry. You hearing about Kevin must be hard…”
I shrugged. “I was angry with him for a long time but realizing he didn’t know I existed makes it kind of hard to hate him. Plus, without him, I wouldn’t have found you. So, you know…”
She smiled, and I loved it. “He was a good man. He would’ve been honored to be your father.”
“Do you think he would’ve loved me?”
Her hand landed against my cheek. “How could he not?”
“Can you tell me more about him, too?”
“What would you like to know?”
I swallowed hard, feeling my heartbeats pick up in speed. “Everything.”
He liked hiking and hated raspberries. He drank whiskey in his coffee in the morning and a shot of espresso in his whiskey at night. He smoked cigars up until he grew ill, then he’d chew on the end of them just out of habit without lighting them. He loved Stella—she didn’t tell me that, but I could tell. She talked about him with stars in her eyes, and a part of me ached, knowing I’d never have the opportunity to meet him. I listened to every story Stella shared with me, and we flipped through the book of photographs that Maple brought me when we first moved in together. I couldn’t bring myself to do it before, but having her beside me made it easier.
“You were an adorable kid,” I told Stella, staring at old photographs of her. “And you were your mother’s twin.” Her mother had that same vibrant smile that Stella held. You could see the light of her soul through the photographs.
“Oh, let me show you the collection Kevin did of my mom and me,” she said, standing. She hurried off into her room on her tiptoes—because Stella was a woman who moved on her tiptoes like a fairy. When she came back, she had an extra-large photo album. The front of the book read, UB
“Universal blessings,” I said, remembering Stella mentioning that before.
“Yeah. He always swore Mama and I were his biggest blessings.”
“Do you think he was in love with her? Maybe that’s why the ex-wives were so harsh toward you—because they knew?”
“I always wondered. Maybe I reminded them too much of my mother.”
“That makes sense.” I flipped through the book, blown away by Kevin’s photography skills. He was amazing at capturing the light in such a special way. Plus, the way Stella’s mother looked at her daughter…
I never knew love could live forever through photographs.
“I wish I had this,” I confessed. “Photographs of my mother. I know it’s stupid, but one of my greatest wishes was to know who she was. Now, knowing that it’s one of those three women…well…I’m not getting that happily ever after.”
“I’m sorry, Damian. Maybe it can turn out for the better once you finally know at the end of all of this?”
“It’s fine, really, Stella. Besides, maybe I need to get over the past to focus on our new future.”
Sometimes one had to let go of their yesterdays in order to reach their better tomorrows.
Stella asked me to come to the doctor’s appointment with her, so of course I attended. I wanted to be there for it all. For every in and out, for every moment of the journey.
“Will we know if it’s a boy or a girl?” I asked her as we waited for the doctor to come in for the ultrasound.
She laughed. “I think it’s a bit too early for that.”
“Right, of course.” I grimaced. “Just curious.”
“Do you want a boy or a girl?” she asked. My hand was holding hers, and I had no plans of letting go any time soon.
“Either way, I’d be happy.”
The doctor came in to start the ultrasound, and I couldn’t hide my nerves. My hands were sweaty, my legs shaky. As she placed a clear gel on Stella’s stomach and began moving a tool across her abdomen, I piped up. “Is that the heartbeat?” I asked.
“No, just the machine,” the doctor explained.
“Oh.” I frowned while Stella giggled at me.
“But this,” she said, smiling my way, “is the heartbeat.”
Stella began crying, covering her mouth as we stared at the screen. She looked over at me and saw the emotions I was trying not to release in front of a doctor. “That’s ours,” Stella whispered.
I bent toward her and kissed her tears again.
“I’m shocked at how much I can actually see,” Stella commented.
“Well, yes, it’s amazing, isn’t it? You’ll be able to know the sex in only two or three more weeks,” the doctor said.
I raised an eyebrow. “We can tell that so soon?”
“Oh yes, seeing how you are already at the three-and-a-half-month mark, we could be able to, if you want to know.”
Stella sat up straight. “I’m sorry, what?”
The doctor paused the movement of the tool. “I’m sorry, is there an issue?”
“Uh, yeah. You just said I’m three months pregnant.”
“Yes. I’m sorry, I thought you knew.” The doctor looked at us both and saw panic.
No.
We didn’t know.
Stella and I were not sleeping with one another three months ago.
Stella and I were hardly even friends.
Which meant that the child… the baby… our baby…
Her baby…
Wasn’t mine.
It felt as if a semi-truck slammed against my chest and ripped away a dream I hadn’t even had time to settle into. A reality that I craved was no longer mine to hold.
The child was Jeff’s—not mine. My already battered and bruised heart shattered into a million more pieces.
31
Stella
* * *
We drove home in silence. Both of us were uncertain what to even say to one another. I felt as if I owed Damian an apology, yet I wasn’t sure how to phrase it.
Hey, sorry I’m an awful human and got you excited about the idea of a child after you struggled your whole life searching for a family, just to have that dream that made you so happy ripped away right in your face, ha-ha. My bad. Do you want to go get frozen yogurt?
Yeah, no. I felt like the worst person alive.
When we pulled up to the house, Damian climbed out of the car quickly, walked over to my side, and helped me out. Still, no words from him. I saw the sadness dripping out of his eyes, but he still pushed out a smile. I never knew smiles could mirror frowns so deeply.
“Thank you,” I softly spoke.
He nodded as his response, unable to find words.
We headed inside, and he muttered something about going to get some work done. I didn’t push him because I knew his mind had to be running on speed. I spent some time in my bedroom, staring down at my cell phone, uncertain of what I should tell Jeff. I mean, I had to tell him, right? Of course.
The thought of speaking to him was enough to make me feel nauseous.
I couldn’t even deal with that idea without first trying to repair things with Damian.
After a little too much swirling of my stomach, I went to the kitchen to prepare some decaf peppermint tea. When I reached the countertop, I looked out at the ocean and saw something I hadn’t seen since I moved back into my childhood house. Damian was out there, shirtless with his pants rolled up, standing in the ocean.