I don’t pretend for a second that last night meant anything to him beyond what it was. And for me, well, I think it’s pretty damn obvious I’m a mess. I ruefully admit Margot was right. I think I needed that to hurdle myself over the Tony hump, so to speak, and Carter was a very safe person to do that with all things considered.
But can people truly go back to being just—I have no idea what Carter and I actually are—again after experiencing something like that? When there is so much heat and chemistry? I hope so. God, I hope so. I need Carter right now. I need him as my attending. As my roommate. As my quasi friend. The last thing I could ever tolerate between us is losing him.
And that’s what would happen if we kept this going.
I’d develop feelings. He wouldn’t. It would be a disaster.
We’re too intricately connected.
Maybe this was just our way of getting it out of our systems? Of burning off all our excess heat that seemed to be simmering between us over the last couple of weeks? Definitely. Now that we’ve done that, I’m sure we can—
“You’re thinking awfully hard over there,” he mumbles, and I inwardly shake my head. I should have known he was awake.
“I am,” I admit. “It’s what I do best.”
“I don’t know about that. I can think of a lot of other things that you do best.”
He shifts in my direction, his morning wood hitting me in places that instantly make me wet, soreness be damned.
I must tense up because he pulls back, shifting until he’s propping himself up behind me, his head in his hand. He rolls me onto my back, so I’m forced to look up at him. Worry creases his forehead, but otherwise he’s not giving me anything to go by.
“Talk to me,” he commands. Just like that. As if it’s that simple when it’s anything but.
“I had a good time last night.”
“So did I,” he hedges. “But…” he trails off, waiting for me to fill in the blank.
“I can’t lose you,” I tell him.
“Why would you think you’d ever lose me?” He’s genuinely perplexed and that relaxes some of my unease. His brown eyes are dancing about my face trying to read me as I sort through what I want to say.
“I don’t know, Carter. Because we had sex.”
“And?”
“And sex does things to people.”
“And you’re worried it’s going to do something bad to us?”
“I pushed you into it.”
He smiles the most beautiful, soul-stealing smile. “Sweetheart, I’m pretty sure you didn’t push me into anything I didn’t already want to do.”
A swarm of intoxicating and clearly hateful butterflies takes residence in my belly. Statements like that and the resulting way they make me feel should be illegal.
“So we’re okay then?”
“Of course.”
“Good. But now what? We just move on and pretend like it never happened?”
“No. I didn’t say that. That’s certainly not what I want, and I could never pretend last night didn’t happen.”
“I’m not a casual fling girl.”
He studies my expression intently. “And you’re not interested in anything more than that,” he surmises.
Now it’s my turn to be confused because I can’t tell if he’s disappointed by that or not. To the best of my knowledge, that’s all Carter Fritz does. I’ve never heard him speak of anything else other than the woman he was in love with during his residency. But even then, he never did anything about it, so how in love could he have been? If he wasn’t willing to settle down and be a one-woman man for her, then he sure as hell isn’t willing to try that with me.
And is that something I’d even want? So soon after ending my engagement?
The only reason last night happened was because it was Carter. Yes, I’m attracted to him, but it’s more than that. I trust him when trusting a man right now feels nothing short of impossible.
I mean, if it were anyone other than Carter, would I even be—
“You’re doing it again,” he admonishes, interrupting my thoughts, pressing his finger into the groove between my brows and flattening it out. “Stop overthinking this, Grace, and tell me what you want and what you don’t want.”
“I…” I blink at him. “I don’t want to get hurt again.” And being only a fling to you is a recipe for just that very thing. “And I think, in truth, it’s still much too soon after everything that happened with Tony to even entertain getting involved with anyone.”
A frown marks his lips before it just as quickly disappears. “That’s what I figured you’d say. I knew it was too soon last night.”
Now it’s my turn to frown because I feel like I’m missing something in nearly everything Carter says. It’s impossible to read him when his face is this stoic, and his words could be taken a lot of different ways.
“I don’t regret last night,” I explain. “I just don’t want it to change us. I don’t want it to change our work.”
“I’d never ever let that happen. I’m glad you don’t regret it, because I sure as hell don’t either, and if you’re not ready for anything real yet, I understand. You’ve been through a lot in the last couple of weeks and I’d never want you to do something you weren’t ready for.”
“Thank you, Carter. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.”
He leans in like he’s going to kiss me only his lips find my forehead instead and I’m hit with something strange. I can’t even discern what it is exactly. I just know it’s settling in my bones all wrong.
Without another word, Carter pulls away from me, grabbing his boxer briefs off the floor and getting up. With his back to me, he says, “I’ll give you your privacy to get yourself ready, but the cleaning crew will be here soon, so we likely should get out of their way.”
And with that, he’s gone. Door shut behind him on a soft click.
I blow out a breath, rattled and simultaneously relieved by that entire encounter. By everything we did last night. I still feel like I’m missing something, but it’s impossible to pinpoint what exactly. All I know is that even though neither of us regret what happened, what I started, I just hope I didn’t make a mistake by crossing a line we can never uncross.
Getting myself up and out of bed, I debate showering, but then decide a run might be just the thing I need to help me clear my head and sort out of my thoughts. I don my running gear, throwing my hair up into a high ponytail just as I hear the doorbell ring shortly followed by the sound of women’s voices.
A pang of guilt hits me at all the extremes Carter went to just to ensure I had a wonderful birthday. That fitness mirror. The ring that’s still on my finger that I have yet to set up. The party. He spared no expense. He’s been surprising me in ways I never expected.
Last night included.
Exiting my room, I head down the hall in the direction of the front door. Carter is dressed casually in jeans and a T-shirt, speaking with the cleaning crew when I catch his eye. He gives me a long once over, a slight scowl marring his handsome face just as one of the ladies catches his attention, diverting it away from me. I throw him a wave, not wanting to be in the way as he said, and leave the house, assuming space is the best course of action.