“Hear me out.”
“I’m scared of what you’re gonna say.”
“Why?”
She didn’t have an answer to that.
Which was the answer to that.
So I told her, “You know why.”
“I love him.”
“Are you in love with him?”
She turned her head away.
I pushed it.
“Can you not wait to see him? Hear from him? Get a text from him? When you connect with him, do you feel something in you shift, like you feel right? Like you have what you want? Like you were good, great, whole, but it just got better?”
She looked at me again.
“Is that how you feel with Dad?”
I nodded.
She appeared to be mulling something over, and then she said, “Okay, this is gonna sound stupid.”
“Nothing sounds stupid.”
“People your age don’t get stuff like this.”
I was wrong.
That sounded a tad bit stupid.
I caught the inside of my lip with my teeth in order to assist myself not to respond.
“I mean, it’s not bad, but you’re conditioned from your generation to want stuff like that.”
I responded to that.
“Stuff like what?”
“Okay. God!” she suddenly exclaimed. “I don’t know.”
After she said that, she pushed up and rearranged herself so she too was sitting cross-legged, but on her bed.
“Okay, Dad is like…a guy,” she began. “And Jace and Jess are like…guys. And there are girls who like guys like that.”
I took a stab at a guess as to what she might be talking about.
I had noted the variety of vehicles coming and going up to the houses on either side of the lake the last few months.
I had no idea if it was the proximity or the circumstances that led Jace and Jess to keeping a lid on their dating lives.
But now that they had their own spaces, and the parking for those spaces wasn’t next to where their dad and sister lived, that lid had been torn off.
I wasn’t nosy.
You just couldn’t miss it.
So they were now fully free to be…
Guys.
Though, I had no idea what this might have to do with Will, who was devoted to only one girl.
So was, to my great fortune, her father.
“I’m not supposed to like guys like that,” she concluded.
“Because…?”
I really didn’t know how to finish that, because I didn’t know what she was saying, because it was totally okay for her father to have a woman in his life and her brothers to be dating.
Or was it that she thought it was unhealthy to feel attracted to men who bore characteristics of her father and brothers?
“I want to be a stylist because I’m really good at hair. And I love it when I’m finished with someone’s hair, and they like it. They feel pretty.”
I nodded, pretending I was following her when this new subject meant I wasn’t, but then again, I hadn’t really been following before.
“But it’s not like being a doctor or an engineer or building bridges or something.”
“You be what you want to be.”
“And I want a guy who’s a guy,” she said that like it was a blurt. “And it isn’t that Will isn’t a guy. He totally is. But he’s just so heavy. And my friends don’t get it, but I see it. For a long time, Dad felt heavy. And then you were around, and he got light. You had that bad guy messing with you, and when I met you, you felt heavy. But when you’re around Dad, you seem light. And you guys were like that even when everything was heavy. That’s what I want. Not just a lot of constant heavy.”
Now we were getting somewhere.
She kept giving it to me.
“And Jace and Jess, they aren’t heavy. They’re funny and goofs, and when they tease, it’s cute, even if it can get annoying. But when it’s important, they’re serious and smart. But they’re not heavy. Or if they are, it doesn’t last like…forever.”
Yes, we were getting somewhere.
“It’s good to want that, lovely. That’s what you should be looking for.”
“But Dad and Jess and Jace are like…” clearly, she was at a loss how to describe it, and continued to be when she finished, “guys.”
However, I had a feeling I finally understood what she was trying to say.
And thus, I explained, “There are men who have traditional masculine traits who might not seem overtly sensitive or unassuming, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t. There are men who have those traits who are toxic and domineering, and it’s important to know the difference between having a dominant personality and a domineering one. One is assertive. The other is overbearing.”
She nodded like she got that.
So I gave her more.
“There is nothing wrong at all with wanting to do hair and make women feel pretty. Part of being free to go forward in this world as you want and as who you genuinely are is knowing you can be whatever you want, and it doesn’t matter in the slightest what anyone thinks about it. And there is nothing wrong at all with wanting a strong man in your life who’s confident and decisive. Yes, I understand how it can get confusing. But you can’t buck stereotypes by feeding into them. Not every macho man is a jerk. Some of them are very sensitive. And not every sensitive man is enlightened. Some of them are huge jerks.”
I grabbed her ankle and gave it a squeeze before I continued.
“In the end, you have to learn to follow your heart and your gut. If something feels wrong, it’s likely wrong.”
I gave that a second to sink in, and I carried on.
“If Will’s too needy, and that feels draining or heavy, and that isn’t shifting, it could be that you can’t give him what he needs. That’s no reflection on you. Right now, his feelings are intense and there are grownups, me included, who have no idea what he needs. Mostly, Will needs to find it for himself, and not expect it from one person. If you want someone who feels less heavy, who makes you feel lighter, then get yourself free so you can find him.”
“His life is horrible right now,” she whispered. “If I break up with him, everyone is going to think I’m mean.”
“Everyone isn’t living your life. Everyone isn’t feeling your feelings. What I say next is the most important thing I’ve ever said to you, so please, my lovely, listen to me.”
I gave that a moment to make sure she was doing that.
When I saw she was, I presented it to her.
“You can’t live your life worrying about what everyone thinks. You will never make everyone happy.” I squeezed her ankle again. “The only person you need to make happy in this world is you. Your happiness will give happiness to people who love you. I’m not saying be selfish. I’m not saying you should do whatever you want without considering other people’s feelings or what your actions might mean. I’m saying, learn to know when it’s important. Really important. And make the right decision for you.”
“Do you think,” she whispered, “it’d be weak that maybe, you know, I can stay with him and then…?” Pause, before, “His parents are totally up his butt. He could ask for a Camaro, and they’d buy it for him. So he’s going to that big hockey camp up in Canada this summer. He’s going to be gone for six weeks. But before that, I’ll be in England with you and Dad. But when I come back, when school starts, I’ll be here, and he’ll be at UW. And maybe, you know, when I’m gone or when he gets back…”