God! I press my fingers to my eyes. So many questions.
I pull out the paper from my purse. It’s a flyer being passed around to buskers in the subways—the same one Nash showed me a while back—about the American Busker competition.
I set it on the kitchen counter and smooth the creases.
If I’m going to try to figure out who I really am, maybe I need to do this. It’s crazy. I don’t care about adulation or recognition. At least…I don’t think I do. But maybe just doing something that scares me is enough to learn who I really am.
With courage flowing through my veins, I grab my laptop and go to the website to sign up. My fingers hesitate. What am I doing?
Just do it.
I type in my info.
There. I’m signed up. The auditions start in a couple of weeks.
I’ll tell Nash tomorrow. Maybe he’ll do it too.
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Lilly says the next day when she gets home from work and we have a chance to talk more. “Because I’m glad you’re moving in. But why are you here?”
I huff out a laugh. “Well, I knew I couldn’t stay with Owen forever. And…” I swallow. Cough. “We broke up.”
“Oh no.” She drops her hands and gazes at me in dismay. “What happened? Or…you can tell me it’s none of my business. But if you want to talk about it, I’m here.”
I gave her a wan smile. “Thanks. I’m kind of still processing it.”
“Understandable. From the expression on your face, I gather it wasn’t your decision?”
“No.” I rub my mouth.
“Men are such dumbasses.”
“Yeah. They can be.”
They can be pretty great, too, though. I sigh inwardly.
“Did you see Owen’s press conference yesterday?”
“No. I don’t want to see it.”
She pushes out her bottom lip sympathetically. “I understand.”
“He blames himself for what’s happening to his parents,” I say sadly.
“Social media can be brutal.”
“Yes. And just because he’s a hockey player—a public figure—doesn’t mean he doesn’t have feelings. Why do people think it’s okay to talk about them like that? It’s been a shocking eye-opener to me about what public life is like.”
“It’s definitely an adjustment,” she agrees. “When I started dating Easton, I accidentally stumbled into a fan forum and saw all the horrible things fans were saying about me. Female fans.” She rolls her eyes.
“Oh no!”
She grimaces. “Oh yeah. Those ladies want the hockey dudes for themselves.”
“Oooof.” Since I’m talking about Owen, I let it all out and tell her what happened after he learned about his suspension. “He said he can’t do it,” I finish, my voice thin. “Us. He said hockey has to come first.”
“Oh no.” Her forehead creases with distress. “Fuck him.”
It’s so nice that my female friends are all on my side. Except Owen was her friend before I was.
“It wasn’t a surprise. I was already clueing in that I don’t come first with him.” I don’t come first with anyone.
“Right. You were talking about it that night we went out for pizza.”
“Yeah.”
“I really thought Owen cared about you.”
“I did, too. We got so close on our trip. I guess it was getting back to reality that made him realize I was interfering with his hockey life. I felt this was coming, even before this whole mess. He was always so busy doing other stuff.” My heart is splintering, sharp and painful. And yet, even though my heart is bruised and throbbing at Owen’s rejection of me, I meant what I said to him. I do want only the best for him.
“I’m sorry.” Her eyes are warm with sympathy.
“It’s okay.” I flick my hair back over my shoulder, trying to ignore the ache in my chest. “I know I should come first.”
I’m just not sure when that will ever happen.
“How is Cat doing?” Lilly asks.
“Actually…good. Kids are resilient. She’s adjusting to our new schedule. She doesn’t even want me to take her to and from school anymore. She’s growing up.”
“She needs you less.”
“Yes.” I try not to pout.
“I totally admire you for how you’ve looked after her. Losing her mom so young is tragic. For both of you.”
“Thank you.” I regard her for a long moment. “I started a SoundCloud account,” I blurt out.
Her eyes widen. “No way!”
“Yep.”
“That’s great!”
I shrug and drop my gaze. “I don’t know how it’ll go.”
“I think it’ll be amazing,” she says confidently. “It’s worth a try, right?”
Is it the trying that counts?
“Better an ‘oops’ than a ‘what if,’” she adds cheerfully. “Right?”
I consider that. “I guess so. Yes.”
“I’d love to hear you sing more. We were all saying that after our trip. I guess we can’t exactly book a time in a subway station to listen, huh?”
I chuckle. “No.” Then I think of the open mic nights Elijah has tried to convince me to do. I could tell my new friends to come…oh God. I can’t do that. Can I?
29
Owen
What the hell am I going to do for the next few weeks?
I’m filled with apathy. I don’t care about anything right now.
Without hockey, who am I?
My life is all hockey, all the time. I can’t play. The terms of my suspension allow me to work out at club facilities and practice with the team, and I can go to the arena and watch the games from the press box. I strangely have no desire to watch hockey, study hockey video, or read about hockey.
I don’t want to leave this apartment. I don’t want to see fans. I don’t want to see anyone.
But after a few days, I’m coming out of my skin. I have to do something.
But what?
I’ve been involved with a program through the Bears’ Foundation called Play Well. It teaches kids about health and fitness. When we players drop in, it gets the kids excited and motivated.
I call Shelley at the Bears Foundation to ask about doing that while I’m off.
She’s not enthusiastic.
“Given what’s just happened, this might not be the best time,” she says carefully.
Shit. All the air leaves my lungs, leaving me deflated. So much for that idea.
“Okay. I get it.”
“Definitely in the future, though!” she says brightly.
“Yeah. For sure.”
I end the call and fall back onto my couch. I stare at the ceiling.
Maybe I could do some kind of volunteer work outside of the Bears’ Foundation?
I don’t know how to go about that, but hey, I can google. I start researching and pause when I come across a place in Brooklyn that offers support for teenagers with substance abuse problems.
I don’t know if I can help anyone. I haven’t had substance abuse issues myself. But I know how it feels when someone you love has.