“Your father made mistakes,” Betty ventures, not noticing. “Especially where you were concerned.”
I force my focus back to her. “I don’t know why he took me in. We clashed at every turn.”
“Surely it wasn’t that bad.”
“The night I left, he accused me of ruining the dean’s career. Said I’d never make anything of myself. I was afraid he might be right.”
Betty sighs. “He made a mistake, Sawyer. Every time you set a toe out of line, he swore it was his fault. He watched you go out in the world and make your own way, and he realized he was wrong. You weren’t breaking the rules, you were creating something beautiful,” she goes on. “But in order for them to be their best, we have to go through the hard times.”
Maybe there’s something to it.
Darkness begets light.
Ugliness reveals beauty.
Cruelty shows us the gift of kindness.
“There’s a file drawer upstairs I haven’t been able to get into. Do you have any idea what the combination might be? I’ve tried his birthday, the date he got tenure, the address, everything I can think of.”
She screws up her face. “Try this.” She writes down a series of six numbers on a slip of paper. “I’ll see you at the disciplinary committee meeting in a few hours.”
My abs tighten as I see her out.
I memorize the number—it’s meaningless to me—as I scoop the fish out of the tank and flush it.
Then I take the stairs up to my father’s office and go to the file cabinet, trying the password Betty suggested.
It works.
Unlike the rest of his office that was bursting with papers and electronics, this contains only a few slim files.
The first is from the adoption agency.
The letter on top is from him, addressed to them.
…hasty decision…
…entirely unsuitable…
…no possible successful outcome…
I set the letter down, numb.
He tried to send me back. After he took me in, he didn’t only berate me and ignore me. The man who put a roof over my head wanted me gone.
Just like everyone else in my life.
Cherry: Can we meet up?
Sawyer: I have a few minutes before I’m due to see the disciplinary committee.
I step off the elevator to see her already waiting in the hallway in dark jeans and black boots, her hair spilling over the shoulders of her jacket.
My heart kicks at her presence. She’s not a student. She’s a woman, and a dream, and every chance of a life I never let myself believe I could have.
And she’s mine.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
She lets me drag her against me, her lips soft welcoming under mine.
The letter messed with my head, but she can fix it. I believe in the power she has.
“I have something to show you.” She pulls up her phone and holds it out. “Our justification feedback.”
Dear Russell U team, we were impressed with your commitment to design and ecology. We are awarding you a twenty-thousand-dollar stipend and inviting you to continue to the next round.
Her laugh is incredulous. “Can you believe it?“
Olivia presses up on her toes to throw her arms around my neck.
She’s thrilled the same way I am to see her, but it’s not my presence that’s got her on a high.
It’s the email.
A ribbon of ice snakes through me—a warning I want to ignore but can’t.
I pull back a second before she can.
“You’re not coming to New York.”
Her face falls, and my answer is plain on her face before she forms the words. “I can’t.”
It’s a spear in my gut. The end of the dreams I let myself dream these past weeks, ones I never should have allowed in the first place.
“Because of Adam? Madison? Royce? This school? What do you owe it? They turned on you the moment they found out about us.”
Her dark brows pull together.
“I want to stick this out. You taught me not to lean on anyone, to stand on my own. Are you saying I shouldn’t?”
Fuck.
She’s not wrong, but the letter from my father rises to the front of my mind.
…hasty decision…
…entirely unsuitable…
…no possible successful outcome…
She has her whole future ahead of her, and I’m not that.
“Sawyer, don’t look at me like that. Please,” she whispers. “This doesn’t have to be the end—”
“It’s not the end.” Her brows lift but I press on. “Because there was no beginning. I wanted you because I couldn’t have you. It wouldn’t have worked beyond these walls.”
She recoils in shock. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do. You helped me realize it. I got caught up in the same thing I was selling you. Freedom, at another’s hands. Anarchy. At some point, I forgot those things aren’t stable.”
“Don’t say it,” she whispers, emotion choking her voice. She reaches for me and I wave her hand away.
If she touches me, I’ll implode.
I wanted her to be free to express herself, and that’s what she’s doing—but not to her family, her piece of shit ex, she’s doing it to me. Telling me what she wants, I can’t give her.
It hurts so fucking badly.
Worse than my mom leaving.
Worse than my dad watching me walk out the door.
Worse than my own partner believe a lying girl over me.
Because I can see in her eyes that she cares. She wants me.
But it’s not enough.
She wants this more.
My gaze drags over her from her toes to her lips. “You’re beautiful. Ripe. Addictive. Once I had a taste, I wanted more. I’m not a man who denies himself. But even the most ravenous animal is eventually sated.”
Her eyes cool on mine, as if she’s looking into me, through me. “You’re not an animal. You’re a man. But not even an animal can get enough of what it doesn’t truly need.”
“Meaning?”
“You crave love, but you can’t name it and you can’t ask for it, and when it knocks on your door you turn it away because you’re terrified once you let it in, it could slip out in the night.”
Her words sink into my skin, my soul.
I’m losing her.
No.
No, I won’t.
This time, I’ll—
“Professor Redmond.” The door opens and Betty looks out. “They’re ready for you.”
I turn my back on Olivia and enter the room, shutting the door at my back.
“Dr. Redmond,” the vice provost begins. “Thank you for accepting our invitation to attend this meeting.”
“I figured it was more of a demand than an invitation.”
Betty shoots me a look that says not to joke.
“We’ve come to a decision regarding your case, and…”
There’s a noise outside.
One of the members goes to the door to tell whoever’s outside to cut it out, but Royce steps inside, followed by Adam and Madison. Olivia trails them.
Royce turns to the faculty, holding up his phone. “We got through to the final round of the competition. That’s never happened in Russell U history.”