He nodded slowly and rubbed his palms on his trousers, drawing her attention to the thick, muscled thighs beneath. God’s teeth, it wasn’t fair for a man to be so perfectly formed.
“Er, yes, we do. Although we value responsibility and care, the concept that someone is damaged by an act that is entirely natural is not one we embrace. Most marriages do not begin with virgin participants of any sex, and dalliances are not looked on with a judgmental eye.” He leaned a little closer. “But that is not true in England. There is a stigma in your Society to what we did today in the throne room. If you and I engaged in an affair that went even further, if I took your virginity, and then you went home…I would damage your future. That is not something I am willing to do, no matter how deep this desire goes.”
She shifted. “An affair,” she repeated, and was surprised that there were two reactions that moved through her. The first was a thrill. He wanted to go further than they had that day. To make love to her, to give her pleasure. And she wanted that just as much.
But the second reaction was just as powerful: disappointment. Why, she could not place. After all, she and Grantham were entirely different people on markedly different paths. She didn’t want more than an affair, certainly. To be in his life forever? Of course she didn’t want that.
“Obviously this is not something you have considered,” he said when she was quiet too long. “I have overstepped.”
She shook her head and reached for his hand. Their fingers tangled and he stared down at them, his breath catching. He was normally so stoic, so unreadable, that it gave her an uncommon thrill to move him. To make him show what he felt on every line of his handsome face. Right now it was that same desire that had started all this.
“It isn’t that I haven’t considered it,” she corrected him. “Grantham, I have pictured what that would be like probably more than I should.”
“You have?” His voice broke and his gaze grew heated as he met hers.
She nodded. “I hesitated because I must disabuse you of a notion and I fear what your reaction will be. Forward-thinking or not.”
His brow wrinkled. “What is it?”
“I am—” She let out her breath slowly and tried to meter her suddenly racing pulse. “I am not a virgin.”
She held her breath as she awaited his reaction. She could have guessed down to every outrage what some men of her acquaintance would have said and done hearing this from her. And no matter what he said about Athawickian openness, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t see her differently.
But he sat steadily, his hand never leaving hers. He appeared interested, but not judgmental. Not even surprised, really. Although perhaps he wasn’t. He might have guessed she wasn’t entirely untested. Most virgins wouldn’t have responded so enthusiastically to what he’d done earlier. There would have been more shock, she supposed.
“Do you want to tell me about it?” he asked softly.
She swallowed. “No,” she admitted. “But I think I must. After all, we are talking about an affair, aren’t we?”
“That doesn’t mean you owe me any glimpse into your past. You’ve had a lover, which means I won’t shock you as easily. You won’t have pain if I take you. I’m glad to know so I can be more prepared. But you don’t have to give me anything you don’t want to share.”
She drew back. That was entirely unexpected. This man was accustomed to knowing everything as king. To having his hand in all parts of his realm. That he would not push into her space, that he would not demand or cajole was remarkable.
Could she actually trust him? She hadn’t trusted any man beyond her brother for years. But right now she felt like she could give that gift, one she treasured far more than she had ever treasured her maidenhead, to this man.
“It is a complicated story,” she whispered. “One that not many know. Perhaps no one knows the whole of it. But I would like to tell you.”
His expression gentled slightly. “I would like to hear it.”
“At the very least it will give you something to lord over me when I tease you,” she said, forcing a laugh because she needed this to be lighter, more playful.
He didn’t allow it. He cupped her cheek with his unoccupied hand and stroked his thumb along the line of it. “I would never hold this against you. You may think many things of me, Ophelia. You might be right about them. But not that. Never that.”
Her throat grew thick with that declaration and she dropped her gaze from his so he wouldn’t see how much it meant. “His name was Erasmus Montgomery,” she whispered. “His brother was best friends with mine, and so I had seen him here and there over the years. I had just turned twenty-one and I was so bloody bored of everything. All those seeking gentlemen who wanted a link to the Gilmore title or to attach themselves to my dowry. I was spending a few weeks in Bath, and suddenly Erasmus was there.”
“By design?” Grantham asked softly.
She shrugged. “I suppose now I can see that it was. Back then I thought it providence. He was…fun to be around. Playful and untethered. He didn’t seem interested in anything I could provide except for my good company. He rushed through a courtship and within weeks had asked me to marry him. I was foolish enough to say yes. It was all secret, of course, because we hadn’t spoken to Gilmore. I said we had to do so and we agreed to meet in London a few days later.”
She felt the heat in her cheeks, refused to look at Grantham as she fought for the words to continue. “Before we parted and he returned ahead of me, he asked me to allow him liberties. I was certain I could convince Nathan to approve the marriage, once he saw how happy I was with Erasmus. And if I couldn’t, this would be a bargaining chip. So I…allowed it.”
She moved to get up, to walk away. Grantham held her hand, only releasing her when she walked past him, pacing the room restlessly.
“Did you…like it?” he asked.
She froze. “Of all the questions I thought you would pose, that is not the one I expected.”
He shrugged. “As I said, I do not judge the act. I am willing to wait out the story to understand. And I have a vested interest in your physical history. In what you have experienced and enjoyed…or not enjoyed.”
“It was fine,” she said. “I expected more, I suppose, since English society makes such a fuss over the act. But it was adequate. I was excited to know more, to find the paths to the pleasure that some spoke of when the act was described. But it was not to be.”
“Why?” he asked.
She shook her head. “My brother had caught wind that I might have a suitor, that there might be something untoward about the situation, and he had been working diligently to uncover the truth. By the time I arrived in London, he had found out who I was with. And he was enraged.”
Grantham stood. “But this man was brother to his friend. I would think the connection might please him.”
“Perhaps it could have in a different life.” She worried her hands before her. “But you see…oh, this is the part that will shock you. That might change how you see me.”
Grantham took a long step toward her. “Never.”
He believed that. She could feel it. But he didn’t know. And it was better just to say the truth and let the consequences fill the room.