‘Don’t!’ He held up his hand, his tone sharper than she was used to. ‘Just don’t, Merrin.’
Curling her hand into her lap, she stopped speaking. He was right, he deserved more than an old platitude dredged from the book of what to say when you want out. They sat in silence for a beat or two, the atmosphere weighted with acute embarrassment, shock and, on her part, a gnawing feeling of guilt.
‘I think you’re wonderful and you deserve to be with someone who loves you in the way you need them to. I care about you, Miguel. I have loved spending time with you and your kindness is something I will always treasure, but I need to go home and I came back to tell you goodbye and to hand in my notice.’
‘Do you know, I think it’s kind of worse.’ He jumped up from the floor and paced. ‘It is. It’s shit to know you would have been happy to let us drift, working our shifts, having sex at the weekends and eating warmed-up leftovers in front of the television, for how long? For ever? While I thought we had a destination, a plan, marriage, kids, the lot . . . I feel so bloody stupid!’
‘I don’t want you to feel stupid. That’s the last thing I want. You are nothing but kindness. And in the long run . . .’ She wanted to make things, if not better, then as easy as possible. ‘I think too much of you to let you linger on in hope, or worse, receive some flimsy excuse over the phone as to why we are not suited. That would be cowardly, and I’m not a coward. Trust me that it’s better we talk this way. No matter how hard.’
Miguel kept his eyes on the floor. ‘I’m so disappointed. Gutted.’
‘I take it as nothing but the most incredible compliment that you could even consider feeling the way you do about me. Because you are wonderful.’
‘And good-looking.’ He looked up at her as his tears pooled, despite his crack at humour.
‘You are, Miguel. Incredibly good-looking.’ She felt the creep of tears at the fact that she was cutting loose from this human who was beautiful both inside and out.
‘What are you going to do now?’ he asked, coughing to clear his throat.
Merrin looked out through the French windows and gasped as a peacock strutted into view, his tail spread to reveal a stunning broad fan of teal and gold, shimmering in all its glory. It was breathtakingly beautiful. A fine farewell to this chapter of her life.
‘I’m going to pack up and go home.’ She smiled softly with the joy surging through the rocks of her grief. ‘I’m going home.’
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
MERRIN
Merrin stood on the wooden balcony with her wool pashmina about her shoulders, taking a minute before she whacked on the radio and picked up the paintbrush for the evening. She closed her eyes, feeling the last of the day’s sun warm her spirit as surely as the cup of tea in her hands. How she loved this house; she was happy they had managed to retain the original footprint and the rugged features that showed its age. But more than how it looked was how it felt: the peace of it, particularly this little spot looking out over the cove. The renovation was nearly complete and then she could start thinking about furniture, plants and cushions – all the exciting finishing touches that, when funds allowed, would make this place perfect.
She had started the project a little over a year ago with Jarvis, Robin, Mac and others providing the labour in their spare time for the love of Ben. Merrin knew she would be forever grateful to this community, her community. Between her job on reception at the Port Charles Hotel and the odd cleaning shift Nancy offered, she too had picked up tools. Physical labour, she found, was the perfect distraction from her mourning, diverting her sadness through the hauling of lumber, the sawing of wood, the hammering of nails and the laying of the floor. It felt good to take out her frustrations and sense of loss on joists, lumps of metal and vigorously mixed buckets of plaster.
‘I tell you something, Jarv,’ she had stated one afternoon, as they smashed out wood to put in a window. ‘Doing this kind of thing makes me feel better, helps me forget. Do you know what I mean?’
He had laughed and wiped his eyes. ‘I know exactly what you mean.’
‘I’m glad we’re mates, Jarv. Always have been, haven’t we?’ The fondness she felt for her brother-in-law was in no small part down to the way he treated her sister and his beautiful baby girl, Katie-Ellen Kellow-Cardy.
‘We have, Merry. Always will be.’
‘Yeah, but he picked the best sister, didn’t you, Jarv?’ Ruby yelled comically from the leather chair in which she rocked her little one.
‘I did, my love.’ He winked at Merrin. ‘I certainly did.’
Ruby beamed, wrapped in the bubble of love that had surrounded her, Jarvis and Katie-Ellen since the baby had arrived with much fanfare in the middle of the night some eleven months ago.
Merrin had laughed, happy how they could talk freely, jest freely, without repercussions. Looking after each other. Holding each other close. Just as their dad had asked.
It was still unbelievable and incredible to her that the Old Boat Shed was hers. The plans had been drawn for an ‘upside down’ house with the living room and kitchen on the first floor to take full advantage of the unrivalled view, with bedrooms and a bathroom below. It had the potential to become a home beyond her wildest dreams. And during construction, Heather had been more than happy to have her ensconced back in her old bedroom. Merrin remembered her saying how she only slept well when everyone she loved was under her roof. And even when she moved out, at least she could still see the front door of the cottage from the side of this balcony and Ruby, Jarvis and baby Katie-Ellen were only on the other side of Heather’s wall.
She closed her eyes and felt the pull of fatigue, but shook it off, knowing the newly plastered walls were not going to paint themselves. All she needed to do was tear herself away from the view that was all hers.
The sharp ring of her phone roused her.
‘Can’t believe Glynn’s going to be two soon.’ This Bella’s opener.
‘Me either,’ she yawned. ‘This last year has flown by, hasn’t it?’
‘Sure has. Where are you?’
‘Where do you think I am?’
‘Yeah, stupid question. How long till you move in? And more importantly, how long before the house-warming?’ Bella asked eagerly.
‘I reckon another couple of months and one day. It’s going to be beautiful.’
‘It is. Your mum seemed on good form today. I saw her in the shop.’
‘I think it’s harder for her to feel low with Katie-Ellen around.’ It was true, the baby girl had given Heather a wonderful, much-needed lift, though even the little latest addition could not entirely fill the void left by Ben. ‘And I know I’m biased, Bells, but she is the sweetest little thing ever.’
‘She is that.’
‘Ruby said last week that she’s planning for her and Glynn to marry. Jarvis shot us a look that made me think he wasn’t quite so on board with the idea.’ Merrin laughed.
‘She’ll marry who she chooses. Maybe she won’t marry at all.’
She thought of Digby and his face in the corridor, his apology, and now she was able to consider it with time passed, it meant the world. And this in turn led to an image of Miguel, beautiful, kind Miguel . . . she wished him well.