Molly put a comforting hand on Laurie’s shoulder. ‘Tell your friend that this is her life, not anyone else’s and she has to live it for herself.’
‘She isn’t over her husband. She misses him so much and she feels conflicted.’
‘You know who Janus is, of course. A god with one face turning back to the old and one face turning forward to the new. Your friend is climbing out of the pit of grief, heading for acceptance that her old life has gone and a new one awaits and so there will be a period of inner struggle,’ said Molly. ‘Tell your friend not to turn away love because the timing isn’t quite right. It has a tendency to ignore protocol.’
‘Thank you, Molly, yet again,’ said Laurie. ‘You’re so wise.’
‘Most people are, who have learned from making a lot of mistakes,’ replied Molly. ‘I’ll see you next week, dear.’
‘Bye. Bye, Mr Singh.’
Pavitar waved. He did wish people would call him by his first name but it never seemed to happen.
As Laurie got into her car, she hoped she could have that conversation with the Wilders before they got wind that she’d been out on a date with another man. She would never get the answers she needed from them if that happened.
Chapter 34
Early October
The closer it got to Sunday, the more stupidly nervous Laurie became. Almost to the extent that she could have rung Pete and told him that she didn’t want to go, except that she didn’t have his number. She was looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. She tried to talk some sense into herself, that this was dinner, he wasn’t asking her to marry him. It might be their first and last proper date. But still, she could feel the portcullis over her heart begin to rattle, squeaking open a little as if someone had sprayed the cogs with WD40.
She also put her money where her mouth was and booked a holiday. She was working from home on Thursday and broke off from the murky details of Mr and Mrs Pullman’s divorce to pull up holidays for singles on her iMac. There was a whole industry devoted to finding them which was both encouraging and daunting, because there was too much choice. She projected herself into a resort, dining alone, eating alone. Did people go on those sorts of holidays primarily to hook up with other singles? She didn’t want that, she didn’t want people to look at her and think that because she was alone she was lonely and they must remedy that. And who’d guard her handbag on the beach if she went for a swim in the sea? She knew she was drilling down into stupid minutiae, but it suddenly seemed like the worst idea. Then she went into Alex’s office to take his atlas from the shelf to find out where Ikaria was in the world and discovered the oddest thing. There, spread on his desk and open at the page with ‘Mr and Mrs Wilder’ scribbled in the top corner, was the Figurehead Winter Cruises brochure. She must have put it there – who else? But she couldn’t remember doing anything with it other than replacing it in the desk cupboard.
‘You trying to tell me something, Alex?’ she asked, lifting it up, listening hard for the slightest breath of air or noise, but there was nothing. She took it through to the lounge, looked at the cruise he had chosen for them. Twelve nights in Norway: February, four ports. It left the day after the anniversary of the crash. She wanted to be away from here at that time of year, as far away as possible.
A cruise would work for her as a solo passenger. Meredith had once told them, in one of her many post-sailing anecdotes, that it was an ideal way for a single person to travel. They’d be safe and secure and could mingle as much or as little as they liked. ‘Put it this way, if Brendan snuffs it, it wouldn’t stop me going back on board,’ was what she’d actually said once.
Alex had been planning to make her dream come true to travel to the Arctic and see the Northern Lights, the huskies and reindeer, the hotel made out of ice, the mother-of-pearl clouds. He wasn’t bothered about cruising or seeing them himself but he’d been intending to book it as a gift for her. She couldn’t remember him ever choosing a holiday based on her likes alone before. It touched her deeply.
She rang the Figurehead Cruises booking line and was put immediately through to a sales agent.
‘Hi there, I’m just enquiring about cruise number FH710,’ Laurie said to ‘Ruby’. ‘It’s a twelve-night one to Norway, in February.’
A sharp intake of breath. ‘Ooh, they get booked up very quickly,’ said Ruby. ‘But let’s have a look for you.’
Laurie heard a lot of taps and then a lot of silence.
‘Well, that’s surprised me. We do have a cabin, balcony, for two, is it?’
‘No, just me.’
‘There would be a hundred per cent surcharge on that cruise for single occupancy I’m afraid,’ said Ruby. ‘It’s a very popular one. I’m absolutely stunned we have a cabin left. There must have been a very recent cancellation.’
Ruby gave her the price. It wasn’t cheap.
‘Can I think about it and ring you back?’ said Laurie.
‘You can but this cabin will have gone, trust me,’ said Ruby.
What’s stopping you? You can afford it and you’d be safe and not have to worry about who was looking after your handbag because you won’t be dipping in any sea. The voice in her head sounded like Alex’s now. She could imagine him standing there, egging her on, the way he used to when she couldn’t quite decide whether or not to buy shoes or a handbag because they were indulgences she didn’t need. Just do it, he’d say. And she had, every time and never regretted it.
‘Hello? You still there?’ prompted Ruby.
‘Yes, I’ll take it,’ said Laurie.
‘You can put a deposit of fifteen per cent down and the balance will be due—’
‘I’ll pay everything now,’ said Laurie, reaching for her credit card. That way she wouldn’t back out.
She put down the phone half-proud of herself, half-wondering if this was the most expensive mistake she would ever make in her life.
She rang Bella to tell her about the holiday and Bella had said ‘good for you’ and that it would give her something fabulous to look forward to and told her that of course she hadn’t made a mistake at all. Why would she want to be in the UK at that time of year with all sorts of bad memories when she could be fulfilling a dream, stamping something lovely onto February instead? Then Bella had squealed with delight about the forthcoming date with Pete. She was flying off to Spain for a ten-day break the next day to celebrate Stu’s thirty-fifth birthday but wanted all the details on her return. Bella sounded more excited about it all than Laurie did.
Laurie went to Meadowhall on Saturday morning to buy something new to wear for tomorrow. The last time she had been there was when she needed an outfit for Alex’s funeral. It had been hell. Shopping for clothes for that purpose had knocked the stuffing out of her. She’d bought a wildly expensive dress, coat and shoes that she put in a charity bag the next week because she would never wear them again and didn’t even want them in the house. She’d bought a hat too, to cast shade onto her face so people wouldn’t see her crying and she cried a lot that day, quietly, her tears a constant stream that refused to stop. It had been Meredith and Brendan who insisted on a traditional dress code for the mourners. Alex’s funeral had been very sombre and very black. He wouldn’t have wanted this, she’d thought as she stared at his coffin in church. He would have wanted Blur blaring out of the speakers not ‘Lead, Kindly Light’, but Laurie had deferred to his parents’ wishes for the service because she felt they needed to have some control more than she did. Organising their only son’s funeral helped them survive it as bringing his ashes home, putting them at the side of her bed helped her.