The men hold cigars and I watch as they check me out, become disinterested, and puff away as they share private laughter.
I don’t care.
I’m not here to look interesting.
There’s a Kanye West song playing inside but the volume is not too loud. I can hardly hear it until I step inside. Once I am inside I see that the music is coming from the direction of the bar where two women dance in stiletto heels atop the polished surface. There are men scattered everywhere, all of them cut from the same mold as the cigar smokers outside. Some of them hoot at the dancing women, others look at their phones or continue having animated conversations. The only females here besides me are the ones dancing on the bar. The girl on the left unhooks her bra. Men howl like wolves in response.
“Julianne.”
I feel his hand digging into my arm before I hear the tightly furious way he hisses my name.
And I want to leave.
I want to go home, take a hot shower, curl up on the couch and watch a movie with my sister. I want to pretend like there is no father and so there is no one worth telling except Gretchen and Danny, who have both already been told.
Instead, I face him. “I need to talk to you, Liam.”
His dark eyes grow dim. “Wait in my office,” he growls through clenched teeth.
I don’t know where his office is.
He points to the stairs with annoyance.
There are eyes on me as I climb to the top and find the open door to Liam’s office.
The painting is the first thing I notice. The girl in the painting is beautiful and she’s going to marry him. I feel sorry for her. I would never marry him. I don’t even want to have a conversation with him.
Liam doesn’t keep me waiting long. He’s angry. I don’t believe he’s violent but I’m not sure. I remember seeing bruises on Trent the day he was arrested and wondering about them. I’m wondering even more now. Danny always said that Trent hated his older brother.
“It’s my bachelor party for fuck’s sake!” Liam waves his arms as he growls these words. “I’m getting married tomorrow. What the hell do you want?”
“I’m pregnant.”
He pales, his eyes shooting to my stomach, which is comfortably hidden by my oversized scrubs. “No, you’re not.”
“Yes I am, Liam. I have an ultrasound next week. I can give you the name of my doctor and-“
“Shut up.” He glowers and falls into his desk chair. Panic is beginning to set in, although he must have suspected the reason why I kept calling. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to pull here but whatever bullshit you’re growing in your belly isn’t mine.”
Liam Cassini is not a nice guy. He was nice to me for one night and I was momentarily fooled.
I’m no longer fooled.
My chest is tight and remember Gretchen’s breathing exercises. It’s a coping technique she learned during her summer at Ithaca. She breathes deeply, shuts her eyes if necessary, and thinks of the moon because the moon makes her happy.
I breathe now and I think of my baby.
Then I glare at Liam Cassini. “You know I was a virgin. I even cried out when it hurt, remember? I didn’t tell you to stop, although you didn’t care that I wasn’t particularly sober. I’m not here to ruin your life. But the baby is yours and I’m having it.”
“Shit.” He runs a hand over his face and looks to the ceiling for help. “Shit! What the fuck do you want?”
I stand up. “Nothing. I don’t want anything from you. I just needed to tell you.”
The sudden hope on his face is ugly. “I can give you money, Julianne. If we can just keep this quiet, I’ll make sure you get, you know, helped out.”
I want to tell him to take his money and shove it up his ass.
But it’s not like I earn a great salary. With horror, I realize I can’t afford to turn him down.
I hold my head up even though the effort is difficult. “Fine. I’ll accept whatever you think is fair.”
His eyes narrow greedily. “And this stays between us or the payments stop.”
God, he’s so disgusting.
How could I have ever seen him differently?
It felt like my whole life had gone by since a guy really looked at me. Then one night I went searching for some excitement. Liam was the one who found me. He smiled. He asked when I’d grown up into such a beauty. And I’d become so lonely and pitiful that I fell for a line I should have laughed at.
“Agreed.” I don’t want him anywhere near my child anyway. “No one will know that you’re the father.”
He relaxes. His problem has been solved. He’s happy now. “My business manager will be in touch.”
I hate this feeling, like we’ve just conducted a transaction. Although I suppose that’s what it is.
“Goodbye, Liam.”
I need to get out of here. I need to get out here right now or I’m going to vomit.
No, I’m going to vomit no matter what.
Down the hall, I see a door marked as a bathroom and I stumble through it, barely reaching the toilet in time. My phone is set down beside the sink as I splash water on my face and I realize it’s still recording.
Yet I don’t hit pause.
This is almost over. Soon I’ll be in my car driving home.
I hope Gretchen is awake.
My sister was shocked when I told her about my pregnancy. But I can see her watching as my belly begins to show and she’s getting excited about the baby. Even though she’ll be away at college by the time I’m due, she’ll only be in the city and I know she’ll visit often. I desperately want someone to be excited with me. My mother screamed her head off over the phone. She called me stupid and cheap and some other choice words but she’s not part of this family anymore anyway. Gretch and Danny are my family. Now we’ll have the baby too.
Liam’s office door is still open and I move quietly toward the stairs, grateful that I don’t need to pass his door on my way out. But then I hear his voice and I freeze in place with my phone in my hand.
“Meh, that was nothing. Just a local girl with a problem. It’s taken care of.”
Another man speaks. “She looked young, Cassini. One of your high school pieces?”
Liam laughs. “Shit, the young stuff I get inside of is a lot hotter than that.”
The other man whistles. “Not my thing. Too risky.”
“Your loss, man. Nothing sucks cock as eagerly as a sixteen-year-old cheerleader.”
If I listen to another word then I will vomit again.
I don’t want to know anything else about Liam Cassini. I won’t even think of him as my baby’s father. I refuse to.
Once I’m in my car I can breathe again. I click my seatbelt closed and flatten one palm to my growing stomach as Cassini Brewery fades in the rearview mirror.
“It’s all right,” I say, as much to myself as to the occupant in my belly who will not be able to hear me for a while yet. “We’re all right.”
With my eyes on the road, I reach into the glove box and pull out the only CD I keep in there.
“Meet Abigail Fisher,” I say to my baby.
I even manage to smile as I take us all home.
16