“First, I’m not the right person. Secondly, for me it’s not an act. I refuse to go down that dark road again because of a man. I’m fine without all the feeling and sleepless nights and heartbreak. And third of all, he’s a divorce lawyer… a very successful, son-of-a-bitch-to-the-core divorce lawyer.”
“There is no rule that says divorce attorneys can’t fall in love… even son-of-a-bitch ones.”
“Fall in love? Christ… I’m seconds away from hanging up on you.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re talking nonsense. You know, sometimes love never presents itself for some people. It wasn’t long ago you felt the same way. You got lucky with Max, and now that you’re ridiculously happy, it’s not your place to be my cupid. You’ll be wasting a lot of time because my list of issues is a long one.”
“I don’t accept your long list. You’re gorgeous, Aim. You turn heads wherever you go. You’re fun and honest. You’re smart and determined. And you’ve been like that your whole life. Even in school, you had the attention of every boy—”
“That was because they were all after one thing,” I said, cutting her off. Being biracial, my father had gifted me with thick black hair and his unusual pale-blue eyes. Endless curves and limitless feistiness came from my Italian mother. I was a B cup while most of the girls in my class were flat as boards. All of that combined was what had caught the attention of the boys. Girls hated me. In fact, Jade had been my only female friend. “I’m not good at relationships.”
“How would you even know? You had one bad experience with Sawyer and gave up.”
“How could I not give up? You of all people know that jerk did a number on me.” Sawyer Astor, a.k.a. He Who Shall Not Be Named, fucked me up real good. Before him, because I had a killer figure, many assumed I’d dated my way through much of the male population, for obvious reasons. When the truth was, the moment they showed their true intentions of wanting to get into my pants, I broke it off.
Somewhere along the line, one of them, or a few of them, began saying things about me that weren’t true. Contrary to the rumors being spread, not one of them even made it past second base, until I began dating Sawyer the summer before senior year.
He was so different from the others and seemed to truly enjoy being with me. He took his time getting to know me, stood up for me when classmates thought it okay to ridicule and bully. We spent our weekends being teenagers in love. We talked about what would be after graduation, Sawyer admitting he wanted to keep seeing me.
I fell hard. He was my first and only love, and it was the best ten months of my life.
I’d been so excited to be on his arm at prom, and then my world imploded when a catty classmate who hated my guts revealed it was all fake. Of course, I didn’t believe her, until Jade overheard some of the boys laughing about it in one of her classes.
Apparently, Sawyer had made a sizable bet with his buddies that he’d be the one to take my virginity. He went as far as booking a swanky hotel room, where he would seduce me. He had the entire evening planned out, from champagne to rose petals strewn on the bed. The bullet to my chest was his plan to audio record us as proof.
The entire situation had come at a time when I’d already been struggling with loss and heartbreak. My father suddenly dying made it difficult for me to cope, and I probably latched onto Sawyer more because of that. It hit my mom just as hard. She had lost the love of her life. Dad’s death sent her into a depressed sinkhole.
Jade’s parents, who were best friends with mine, were worried and had insisted that I see a therapist to sort out my emotions. I owed her family so much for taking me under their wing and ensuring I was always okay.
Their concern and support had helped give me the courage to dump that dickhead in a spectacular way. I not only broke up with Sawyer, but I went to prom with his biggest competitor from a rival football team. I spent that night and the rest of my senior year with a cocky smile on my face. Never once had I shown anyone in my class how badly Sawyer had hurt me… except for Jade and my therapist.
Once in college, I took full advantage of the social scene. Not much had changed when it came to serial dating, except now I progressed relationships on my terms. Usually, I ended things well before they could grow attached in any way, or before I could. I decided who took my virginity, how and when it happened. I even decided to be the one to end it with my handsome classmate after certain feelings began to sprout, feelings of which I wanted no part.
Writing became a way to escape, and I was good at both. All the romance and love I lacked in my reality came through in my fiction. Anyone I chose to date I did so superficially, keeping it physical and nothing more. It really worked for me. With time, my heart healed over Sawyer’s betrayal, and my father’s passing, and I was happy to put the pain behind me.
Such was my romantic life in a nutshell, and I had no regrets… until I slept with Nate a week ago.
“Sawyer is ancient history. You’re an adult now, and you still need to interact with Nate,” Jade said, changing the subject. “And I’m not just talking about this date you have to go on.”
“Don’t remind me.” Spending my birthday with that man felt like the universe was trying to get back at me for all the wrongs I’d done. Remembering that, I barked, “And do not tell him it’s my birthday.”
“Fine.” She giggled over the phone. “How funny would it be, though, if you two turned a corner on your birthday, same as Max and I did on mine.”
“Please take that back. You didn’t turn a corner; you got knocked up, fell in love, and had a baby on Valentine’s Day. That’s more than turning a corner.”
“Semantics. Aim, you’ve been hot for Nate since the moment you met him. Maybe this could be a good thing for you. Maybe it’s time to open your heart a bit?”
“Why?” I heard her exasperated sigh over the phone. “I’m serious. Look at my mom. She never recovered after Dad’s death.”
Losing him had wrecked her. I was a lot like my mother—feisty, outgoing, a spitfire. Everything changed for her in a tragic flash, and now she was bouncing from relationship to relationship, searching for someone to fill the hole in her heart. Ironically, with each encounter, it seemed to make that hole only bigger.
“Maybe, not much unlike my mother, opening my heart could ruin me, Jade,” I admitted, and the tone in my voice left no room for confusion. “Yes, I am extremely attracted to Nate, and the pricky-ness only makes me want him more. I know it’s stupid to compare me at twenty-seven to me at seventeen, but I’m getting déjà vu to the way I felt about Sawyer, and I don’t like it.”
“You’re right… it is stupid to compare yourself now to your high school version.”
“Not when that experience changed me as a person. I’m not okay becoming what my mother has become or changing myself because of a man.”
A long pause filtered over the line, and I was convinced that I’d finally come up with an argument that would shut her up. But she then messed with my head even more by saying, “Unless the change ends up being the best thing that happens to you. Wouldn’t that be worth the risk?”