“You sure you didn’t pack an adult onesie? Or maybe some fleece pants with cute puppy dogs wearing Santa hats on them?” He needed to ignore the way her eyes seemed to eat up his body or how they now settled on the buckle of his belt as if she wanted to remove it herself and fall to her knees before him.
“No, I hate being hot at night. I like sleeping in barely anything, jacking up the A/C, and then getting cozy under the covers. That a problem?”
“Barely anything. Is this barely anything?” Damn, his cock was moving again. “Or is this more than normal?” He freed the buckle and undid the top button of his pants, unsure why he continued to undress in front of this woman. But like she said, she’d seen him in his drawers when he’d strip and jump into the lake back in the day, so this shouldn’t be a big deal.
“A tank top and panties. Or maybe just the panties. Tank tops tend to get all twisted in my sleep.”
Jesse swiveled his focus to the lamp between the two beds. He had to look at something other than her, and to forget the picture she’d painted that would permanently be etched in his mind. “So, you’re doing me a favor by wearing a tee, huh?”
“Why, you’d see me as someone other than A.J.’s sister if you saw my tits?”
Sassy Ella was back, and he’d take that over sad Ella. But did she have to go there? “Ella,” he rasped in a warning. Or was the warning for himself? Abort and back away. Go walk around the city all night instead of sharing a room with her.
He forced his gaze back to her, then blinked in surprise to see her tossing her tee onto the bed. “Go ahead. Reject me again,” she whispered, standing boldly in only a red thong, and Jesse nearly cracked his back teeth as he clenched, resisting the urge to erase the space between them and take her into his arms. “For a third time. And I barely had anything to drink. I’m way over age. And you’ve been out of the Army for a few years. So, what excuse will you come up with this time to try and hide the fact you really just don’t want me?”
Jesse’s gaze remained riveted to her full breasts that lifted when she inhaled sharply as if her nerves were catching up to her boldness. He turned to the side and lifted his eyes to the ceiling. Every part of him wanted to take her. To make her his. To forget all the reasons why he knew he couldn’t be with her.
“What if it’s for one night? Only one night. And we don’t tell anyone what happens. Instead of what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, this’ll be what happens in New York, stays in New York.” He could feel Ella closing in on him. Her body heat nearing his fire-hot skin. “I won’t tell Rory. Savanna. Any of my friends. Or family.”
“Why do you want to do this? Won’t it . . . complicate things?” He closed his eyes and held his temples with his thumb and forefinger, trying to find a way to say no to the temptation standing just behind him. Because how could it not complicate things?
“Jesse, I’ve wanted you since as far back as I can remember. I’ve always wanted you, and you have to know that.” Any bit of sass was now buried beneath her soft voice.
I want you too. I’ll always want you. But I can’t have you. “Then tonight would be a mistake,” he said while slowly turning at the feel of her hand on his arm. And he used every ounce of restraint he had to keep his eyes on her face. To not set his hands on her hips and work them around to her ass and squeeze. “Because I can’t be the man you need.” He shook his head, worried she was about to protest. “You deserve to be with someone whole, Ella Mae. And I’m about as broken as they come. Far too many pieces for me to ask you to try and help put me back together.”
When her eyes narrowed, he realized he’d said too much. Shit, did he just give her hope?
“But, Ella,” he said around a swallow, “the last thing in the world I want is to reject you tonight. Because I do want you. I want to throw you on the bed and fuck the ever-loving daylights out of you. And then do it again and again and again.” His cock strained in his pants at the image he’d laid out for them both to absorb. “The last thing you need to be thinking is that I want to reject you. But saying no is something I need to do. It’d be wrong of me to give you false hope. I’d be an asshole.”
He was pretty sure Ella’s mouth had fallen open sometime between his “again and again” comment. She stared at him, still a bit startled at his confession.
“Then be an asshole. Don’t say no. Not tonight. I don’t want to be a good girl. The trusty and reliable Ella Mae that does no wrong,” she murmured. “I want to be bad.”
Jesse set both hands on her arms and lightly gripped.
“We won’t kiss. Anywhere. Not even, you know, down there.” She looked down between them, eyeing his pants before her gaze moved to her thong. “Nothing intimate. I think that’ll help make it less . . . hopeful.”
Less hopeful? God, she was killing him. And he hated himself for keeping secrets from her, for not sharing the whole truth as to why he needed to steer clear from her. But it was for her own good. He’d tell himself that at least.
“I don’t have condoms.” Shit. Did I just say that?
“I do.”
Jesse’s grip on her arms went a fraction tighter. “Were you planning to hook up with someone this weekend?”
“I may have hoped that you . . .” She let her words trail off as if worried he might change his mind as she stood nearly naked before him, her body practically flush with his. Did she think there was any universe in which he’d be able to reject her right now?
“We don’t tell anyone. Rory won’t ever leave us alone if she knows.”
Ella kept her chin lifted, eyes on him as she nodded, her lip catching ever so slightly between her teeth. Nerves now on display that seventeen years after she’d first asked him to kiss her, they were about to have sex.
“I can’t be with you,” he reiterated. “I don’t want you to try and fix me. To think I can be . . . fixed,” he added, stumbling through his words, feeling as though he might drown in those blue eyes of hers. “You have to promise me you’ll move on.” He didn’t want to think about that. To imagine her with any other man. But it was time she let go. Her. Rory. Everyone. They had to let go. “Please.”
Ella closed her eyes, took a breath, but nodded.
“I have to hear you say it. I need to look into your eyes when you do.” He had to make sure this night wouldn’t break her. Hurt her. He knew it’d fucking break him, but what difference would it make? He was already so fucked.
Her lids slowly parted, and her blue eyes held his. “I promise. I’ll move on.”
He released her arms and stepped back, allowing himself to finally take in the sight of her. To soak in every moment of this night since it’d be their one and only. And he hoped he wasn’t making a mistake when it came to her heart. Deep down, he couldn’t shake the fact he was, but if he were being honest with himself, he wasn’t exactly thinking clearly.
His eyes journeyed from her red toenails and up her legs and to her full, round tits before meeting her eyes. “You’re beautiful.”
She reached out and set a palm on his pec. “So are you. You know, in a manly, rugged way, of course.” A nervous smile played across her lips.