“What?” A gasp left her lips at the grave look in his eyes as he stared down at her.
“When I say I was at my breaking point, well, I was there in the literal sense.” His trembling words shook her to her core. “On a ledge, to be exact. Not that the Agency knew that, but . . .”
Oh, God. She fought the sob trying to storm free, which would have her falling to her knees.
He slid his hands along her sides and gripped her arms as if sensing she might crumble. “I couldn’t jump. I wouldn’t have done it. Because I knew that’d hurt you. And my mom. Rory. A.J.” He held her a bit tighter, focusing those brilliant blue eyes on her. “And I’ve only ever wanted you protected. Safe and happy, so . . .”
Unable to hold back any longer, she broke down and sobbed. And just as she began to collapse, Jesse scooped her against his frame and held her tight. She knew why he’d kept this from her. It wasn’t easy for him to share, but more than that, he knew she’d be hurt and devastated. He’d spent his life keeping her from being hurt by what he perceived as his shortcomings, failures, and his resultant actions.
Veteran suicide was . . . too real. And God . . .
“Shh. It’s okay. I’m . . . doing much better. I’ve been getting help. Virtual, um, therapy sessions. To work on myself,” he whispered. “I started a little over a year ago.”
Therapy? She was speechless at the fact he really had been trying after she called off the wedding with Brian, and she hadn’t known. Her cheek was to his chest, his heartbeat in her ear as he held her to him, comforting her.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to find my way to you. To try and piece myself back together to be the man you deserve.” He quietly added, “I didn’t know if you could love someone so broken back then.”
Ella nearly startled at his last comment, and she pulled back and swiped her hands over her cheeks, willing herself to pull it together. “Loving someone unconditionally means you’re there for them at their highs and lows.”
He quietly studied her before saying, “I’m back on a team now because I was wrong. Being alone was never the answer. And more than anything, I don’t want to live in a world where we’re not together.” He paused for another second. “I was waiting to be perfect for you, but I realize now perfection’s not achievable. For anyone, really. And if these last few days have taught me anything, it’s that feeling whole is my kind of perfect, and that’s how I feel when I’m with you.”
Oh God. Her heart.
“I love you, Ella Mae.” It was the first time telling her this aside from the wedding, and those words zipped her heart back together. She felt whole again. “Unconditionally and forever,” he added, his voice cracking this time.
Ella slid her palms up his chest and placed her hands over his heart. Once she was certain her voice would remain steady, she lifted her gaze and looked into his deep blue eyes. “I love you too. So much. And I’m so damn proud of you for working on yourself. For not quitting on yourself, on us,” she cried out softly. “Because I don’t want to live without you either.” Pressing up on her toes, she set her lips to his.
Jesse groaned and took her mouth in a bruising kiss that felt as though he was conveying more than his vow of love and his desire for her. No, that groan was the sound of . . . relief.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“You sure you don’t need more time?” Carter asked, appearing apprehensive as he scratched the front of his throat and looked everywhere but at Jesse. It was clear this situation had him crawling out of his skin even as he attempted to play the role of the understanding boss.
Yeah, makes two of us. The last thing Jesse wanted was for his new teammates to worry that he’d snap one day because of childhood trauma.
And honestly, now that Ella was in his life and there were no more secrets between them, he didn’t feel anything other than lucky. Lucky that she was strong, forgiving, and well, patient. She’d had decades’ worth of patience.
“I’m solid. I promise.” Jesse looked over at Gray, the only other teammate in the room, which Jesse assumed was on purpose. Just the team leaders confronting their newest recruit to ensure he was stable. “Charlie mike,” he added. Military lingo for, continue mission.
“Roger that,” Carter responded, his shoulders relaxing slightly, probably relieved he’d just escaped a “feelings” conversation. But the man’s behavior around Zoey had Jesse thinking that Carter wasn’t as emotionally stunted as Jesse once believed.
“So,” Gray declared loudly, about as subtle as a shotgun blast at an indoor firing range. The word punctured the air and had Jesse peeling his focus away from the direction of the kitchen, where Ella and Savanna had gone a few moments ago. He’d given Ella the go-ahead to share the details of their conversation in the courtyard, or however much of it she felt compelled to share. He was done with keeping secrets and putting up walls. He just wanted a fresh start. A new beginning. And in order to make that happen, he had to eradicate the threats to Ella.
“Are we going forward with Zoey and Sydney’s plan?” Jesse asked as he set his back to the wall by the fireplace. The conversation they’d had outside had put both him and Ella through the emotional wringer, and he was still a bit shaky. “Are we drawing Zoran and Yuri to Austria?” he continued, looking back and forth between Gray and Carter.
Gray folded his arms over his chest, his biceps stretching the sleeves of his black tee, and Carter shoved his hands into the pockets of his dark slacks.
“I think it’s our only play to end this within the next forty-eight or so hours,” Gray said, and Jesse was somewhat surprised that Carter had let him take the lead. The two team leaders seemed to be struggling with their roles at every turn, still vying for pack alpha, as it were.
“I agree.” Carter tilted his head and snapped his attention to Jesse, his narrowed eyes appearing to be still assessing for damage. The kind you couldn’t see. The kind that most veterans who suffered dealt with. Invisible wounds.
Jesse surrendered a palm, the gesture meant to reassure Carter once again that, Yeah, I’m good. “Thatcher knows he won’t be able to stop us if we’re hell-bent on going to Austria, but he’ll do his best to, at least, make a show of it.”
“Right. He’ll have DGSE waiting for our arrival at the airport. Not that we’ll be flying from Paris to Austria, but we can let them think that,” Carter remarked in an even tone. “Griffin and Savanna are taking the jet home. Once my pilot drops them off in Alabama, he’ll turn around and fly to Salzburg when we’re ready for an exfil post-op.”
“Does Griffin know he’s not coming with us?” Jesse asked, pushing away from the wall.
“Not yet, but he won’t want Savanna in harm’s way, and I can’t say I blame him,” Gray answered, then unlocked his arms and held a hand up. It didn’t take a mind reader to know Jesse was about to suggest Ella head home as well.
Jesse nodded. Unfortunately, sending Ella home wasn’t an option. “So, how are we getting to Austria without Thatcher interfering? You know he’ll do his best to keep us from going. If not all of us, at least Carter.” Without Carter in Austria, the plan would fail. Yuri wouldn’t show his face unless Carter were present.