Kristin takes the yearbook, slowly, out of my grasp. Her fingers tremble as she holds the pages open. “I never got a copy,” she says, very, very quietly. With one shaky finger she touches the photo of her 17-year-old self. Then the words. Her expression falls.
My heart beats erratically. What’s going on in her head right now?
She touches my photo next, her hands still tremoring. I don’t know what to make of it; I don’t know what to say. I didn’t expect a stirring reaction to come out of her. A little surprise, some amusement, maybe.
Are those…tears? They form like oceans in her eyes. “Johnny Wells?” she asks. Her quavering voice betrays her emotion.
“All grown up and in the flesh.” I grin to try and release some tension.
Kristin cries.
She closes the yearbook.
I take it from her and then move in close to put my arms around her.
She pushes me off.
She looks up at me with pools in her eyes, tears coursing down her cheeks. She pins me with an angry look.
“You,” she grits. My heart rocks in my chest. Kristin stands. She raises her voice. “You—Asshole!”
I… what?
Next thing I know, she’s gone.
Kristin
Stupid. Stupid! Stupid!!!
I can’t believe he tricked me into bed with him! I can’t believe I let him. It was so easy too. He hardly even had to try before I became just another one of his conquests.
Stupid! Stupid!
I storm out of his house and get in my car. Does Jonathan feel better now? Now that he proved his point? He’s right, I never noticed him. I might’ve heard of his name once or twice in high school, but he never had any impact on me. Romantic or otherwise. If not for today, I never would’ve remembered him.
Maybe to him that proves how self-absorbed I was back then. He couldn’t be further from the truth.
The truth is I rarely thought of myself. When was there time? I had to think about everyone else. What would they think? How should I stand, sit, smile, speak? What was best for the cheerleading squad, the football team? My classmates, my teachers, my parents, the school? Which outfit would make the best—no, the correct—impression? As President it was a silly notion to think I had a voice—I was merely the sounding board for all the other students. As a Max, I didn’t just have good fortune, good breeding, all the odds. I had expectations to meet. What would make my parents proud?
Forget what I wanted, thought, or felt. About…anything. It didn’t matter. I didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I never, ever show the real me.
So what if no one knew who Jonathan was and everyone knew who I was? Does Johnny Fuckin’ Wells feel better, now that he’s so much more successful than me? Fitter than me? Smarter than me?
God I feel so, so stupid!
As I drive away I let every angry, hurt, disappointed tear fall. All the tears I stored up in high school. All the tears I’ve kept at bay as an adult. Go on, Kris, lose your shit! It feels so good. So purifying.
I don’t know him and yet I feel betrayed. My heart feels shredded. Jon knew all along, and he kept that history hidden from me? I release one loud, throaty, virtuous sob. Maybe I should’ve known from the start. I should’ve paid attention. Whatever credit I give myself for considering others, it wasn’t enough.
Maybe I justify too much. Maybe I really was a jerk in high school.
Haven’t I atoned enough for that already?
Before today I didn’t remember what our yearbook looked like; I never purchased a copy. I didn’t care to hold onto those years. Back then I was picture-perfect. And what good did it serve me? Today’s sheer embarrassment? A no-good marriage, a flailing career?
Two beautiful little girls.
Thinking of them, my tears immediately subside. Everything I ever did, every word I said, every choice…led me to have them. For Sidney and Neve, I wouldn’t trade anything in the world. I wouldn’t take back a single day.
It was stupid of me to think I could have something as precious as daughters…and a good man who would love me just as I am.
Stupid, stupid.
Six
Big Jon
Hell on earth is a real place. Just ask my buddy Kevin, who’s living it now listening to me as I tell him what happened.
We’re at the same loud, overpriced coffee shop where I first met Kristin. It was a monumental day, pissed on by whatever bad memory of me she’s held onto all these years. Now I consider that rendezvous the official first time we met. Forget everything in the past.
Which is what I should’ve done.
Whatever poor interaction we had back then, it isn’t the same me. High school was a lifetime ago. For both of us. What had I done? Why couldn’t she talk to me about it?
I find myself with my head in my hands, brooding as Kev makes every attempt to try and get to the bottom of this.
“You really have no idea what you did to her? Something you might’ve said that ticked her off?”
“No clue.” I shake my head, still holding my face in regret. “I’m not sure we ever said two words to each other.”
“Maybe that was the problem?”
“Nah.” I drag out a sigh. “She didn’t care about me back then. She was…busy.”
“What makes you think she gives a damn now?”
“Dude,” I grouch, lifting my eyes over my hands to pin a look at him. “Brutal.”
Kev shrugs. He downs his little espresso in one big sip. “Just trying to examine all the options.”
“That particular one stings a bit.”
“Sorry.”
I proffer a halfhearted shrug.
“So you met with her for what, an hour? You had…fantastic sex.” He air-quotes and lowers his voice, awkwardly. “What’s it matter if you never see her again? Not like you’ve never done that before.”
“I know.” I sip my coffee—dark, strong, Kristin’s way. Christ, I’m hopeless. “It was more than an hour,” I add, lamely.
He holds up his hands in mock defense. “Alright, alright. More than an hour.” He makes a face. Guy has the nerve to try and make me laugh right now. It works.
“Maybe I should’ve been honest with her from the start. Maybe she felt, I dunno, tricked or something.”
“You didn’t trick her into bed.” He gives me a look. “Did you?”
“No, man! I would never do something like that.”
“You realize you’re sort of going in circles?”
“Yes,” I grumble. “I was really nerdy in high school.”
Kevin points at his chest with his thumb. “Dude. At least you grew out of it.”
“Right.” I chuckle. “Anyway. She was smiling at me, chatting with me, asking her questions. At first I thought maybe she was just acting like she was interested in what I was saying. Then I took her home for coffee…”
“You realize you were at the coffee shop?”
“It got busy, loud in here. I was just fuckin’ ecstatic that Kristin Max was giving me the time of day. One thing led to another…”
He pulls a face. “I didn’t ask for a play-by-play.”
“Cool your jets. I’m just saying that we clicked. I started to really fall for her. She said the same thing to me. ‘I’m falling in love with you, Jonathan’.”