“We don’t get along. We can never be partners.”
“Look, people like you. You seem to be nice to everyone…except me. I see that.” The corner of his mouth quirked up. “But maybe you’re a little too nice. Forget that Sam and Marcy looked at the house. They’re thinking about it. But we can act.”
“This is the wildest idea I’ve ever heard of.”
He smiled then. “I’ll consider that a compliment.” He paused. “But just to let you know—it’s going to be all right. How can it not, when this garden is protected by Gnomeland Security?”
She almost smiled at that. “Okay, what do we need to do?”
He was already pulling out his phone. “I’ll make the arrangements.” The arrangements. That sounded like a funeral. Or a mafia hit.
“I have conditions,” she said, surprising herself.
He lifted a brow. “Yes?”
“This house. Get this one. If I have to live somewhere with you, I want it to be here.” This house gave her a good vibe, a warm feeling. She could see someone being happy here. And for just a few months, she wanted to be that someone.
For the first time in a long time, she wanted something passionately.
“The kitchen sort of sucks,” she admitted.
“Well, it’s not entirely hopeless.”
“There’s hardly any counter space. And it needs an island.”
He put his hands in his pockets. “I’m pretty good with fixing things. And…I’m okay with this house if you are.” He turned like he was going to find Indira.
“I have more conditions,” she said.
“Of course you do,” he said with a pained expression. “Hit me.”
“My mother’s dues—they get waived for the entire time we’re married.”
His thick, well-defined brows knit down in concern. “Will she feel like that’s charity?”
“She’ll get over it if you sound sincere. It will help with the terrible blow this is going to be to my family. And it will lower her financial stress immediately.”
“Done.”
“After six months, we go our separate ways, no questions asked.”
“Fine. Anything else?”
“I want you to be affectionate in public and in front of my family. So they actually believe this.”
“Of course.”
“And no fooling around while we’re married.”
He looked wary.
“I’m not going to be made a laughingstock,” she said. Been there, done that.
“Then you’ve got to agree to the same.”
She tapped her finger on her lips, pretending like that wasn’t going to be easy. As if she had a gaggle of men who were less than eighty lined up all the way to the ice cream parlor to ask her out.
“Fine,” she said. “Agreed.”
She was so done with meh. She was done with settling.
“I have a few conditions, too,” Leo added.
“Okay,” she said.
“No furry animals, just to make that clear. And I like things tidy, so I’ll clean my mess and you clean yours. And sometimes I can have my friends over for sports and stuff.”
“So you’re a neat freak?”
“No.” He paused. “Okay, maybe. I’m not embarrassed to admit I like order.”
Now was probably the time to tell him about Cosette. But…well, she was just a sweet little cat. She hardly coughed up any hairballs, so Mr. Neat and Tidy would barely know she was there. Tessa would mention her later. Because leaving her behind was out of the question.
Her eyes narrowed. “Tell me about the sports and stuff.” She imagined a gaggle of his raucous friends drinking and eating and yelling at the television, scaring poor Cosette into hiding.
“Every month, my friends and I get together and play cards, smoke some stogies, watch a game—you know, that kind of thing.”
Well, whatever. Compared to her list, this was a piece of cake.
He stepped up close. So close she could see the defiant glimmer in his eyes. “You’re going to buck me at every turn, aren’t you?”
“Only when you’re completely out of line.” She gave a good long pause. “Which seems to be ninety-nine percent of the time.”
“This is a roommate situation,” he said. “Equal partnership, equal respect.”
“Sure. But just so we’re clear, I’m not one of your girlfriends with a sparkling personality who will smile and nod and fawn all over you. If that’s what you’re looking for in a fake wife, that’s not me.” His expression told her he recognized that and more.
He held out his hand. She was expecting a pinch my nose and down the hatch look, but instead he grinned and held out his hand. “I’m not quite sure what fawning is, but somehow I don’t think you’d be into that anyway. Shake on it?”
She looked from him to his outstretched hand. Okay, well, this was it.
She could put up with his grinch-like sarcasm and his awful one-liners because a few months of suffering would buy her freedom. Precious, wonderful freedom.
She took his hand. Which was big enough to wrap fully and firmly around hers. And then he shook it. Firmly, purposefully, businesslike.
Except inside, it felt different. Warm, tingly, and charged, her pulse accelerating with the contact.
It was just because he wasn’t hard to look at, that was for sure. Her body’s reaction to pure male chemistry. That’s all.
For what seemed like a long time, they stood there, locked in that handshake.
Indira walking out of the slider door broke the spell, causing them to drop hands. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I have another appointment in a half hour. We can always arrange time to see more another time if you—”
“We’ll offer on this one,” Leo tossed over his shoulder. “You can start the paperwork.”
“That’s terrific,” Indira said, pulling out her phone. “Did the little gnomes convince you?”
Leo gave Tessa a puzzled glance.
“Gnomes are guardians,” Indira said. “They bring good luck.”
Well, that was good, Tessa thought, because they were certainly going to need all the luck they could get.
…
On a Saturday morning a few weeks later, Tessa was shoving all her possessions into a gaggle of boxes, most of which she’d pilfered from the bakery, when Lilac and Juliet showed up.