“It would be an amazing addition to everything else,” she added. “But I’d still want to do more. I want to be a part of something bigger.”
“Bigger than family and home and community.” He knew he sounded bitter. But he felt bitter. He spent his time, his energy, his life, protecting those things because they were big and were enough for ninety-five percent of the people he knew and loved.
Why couldn’t they be enough for the woman he loved?
Why couldn’t she be the superficial, high-maintenance woman he’d first pegged her for in Ellie’s?
Instead, Caroline was gorgeous, feisty, and incredible, and she’d blown into his life and turned everything upside down.
She didn’t speak for a long moment. Then she nodded. “I love Autre. I love your family. I love…you.”
He felt those words deep in his bones. Not like a punch to the gut but like a long pull of his favorite bourbon. Warm and comforting, spreading through him, buzzing in his brain.
“But, yes, there’s a bigger world, Zander. And you know it. You’re protecting your corner and I get it. I do. I’ve been doing the same thing for my corner. But as much as I understand it and love you for what you do, there’s more I want to do.”
And that all made him love her even more. She felt alone in the world. She’d felt that she was fighting her fights alone—with Max’s assistance, of course—for so long. Now, he was offering her a ready-made family and group of friends. With him she could lose herself in a world that was all happy and fun and supportive. He was offering her him. And he believed she loved him.
But she was willing to give that all up to do more. To stay in that darker world and fight. To be more. To make a difference.
He just wanted her to want what he could give her—support, family, comfort—like he did everyone else. But that wouldn’t be enough for her. He didn’t know how to love her the way she needed to be loved…with the freedom to take the risks she clearly wanted and needed to take, without constantly worrying and being frustrated and angry. He’d thought he could do it. He wanted to do it, to make this work, to let her be bold and passionate, and not hold her back. But tonight had proven that he couldn’t do this.
“I love you too, Caroline,” he finally said.
Tears shimmered in her eyes. She pressed her lips together and nodded.
“I’m sorry I can’t…be who you need me to be,” he finally managed to push past his lips. “You’re amazing. You’re going to be…so damned kickass at whatever you want to do. I just want to protect you…from all the things you want to confront. You want to get out there and fight and I want to shield you from the reality that there is anything or anyone to fight. I just can’t be the guy you need. I’m sorry.”
And one tear slipped down her cheek.
He made a fist with the hand that itched to lift and brush it away.
Just then his phone rang. He wasn’t sure if he should be pissed or relieved.
He pulled it out and glanced at the screen. It was Zeke. He immediately frowned. Zeke knew he was here in New Orleans with Caroline tonight. This had to be important.
He lifted his head. “I have to—” he started.
“I know,” she said simply.
His gut in knots because of the woman in front of him and the incoming call, he lifted the phone. “Zeke.”
“Hey, where’s your floodlight?”
“My floodlight?”
“Dammit, Zeke, you weren’t supposed to call him!” Zander heard Fletcher call from the background.
“Shut up, I'm just asking where the floodlight is. I'm not telling him why.”
“You better not. He'll freak out.”
God, Zeke couldn’t even cover the phone so Zander couldn’t hear this conversation? “Don't tell me what?” he barked at his brother.
“Nothing. I just need your light. Don't listen to him,” Zeke told him.
“What are the chances I'm not going to listen to Fletcher?” Zander asked. If it was Zeke and Owen, or maybe even Zeke and Mitch, Zander might think they were just fucking around. But Fletcher, the oldest brother and upstanding, beloved third-grade teacher, was a little harder to ignore.
“Seriously, we've got it handled. Just enjoy your date. Sorry I called.”
“You know at this point I'm coming home whether you tell me or not,” Zander told him. He stoically avoided looking at Caroline. He was coming home because…his date, and his relationship, was over. “You might as well spill it.”
He realized his hand was gripping the phone hard and his heart was racing. It was probably nothing. His brothers were probably just being stupid about something. They’d probably lost something, possibly something of his, and they were trying to find it before he got home.
But his gut told him it was more than that.
And he was feeling guilty. Not that he was away from Autre. Of course he left the city limits sometimes. It wasn’t like he felt that he had to be there constantly. It was because he was completely indulging in…now he did glance at her…Caroline. Yeah. He’d been completely indulging in Caroline. In thoughts of last night and thoughts of tonight. And in thoughts of the future.
He’d made a reservation for tonight at the Windsor Court Hotel, the most expensive hotel in the city. He’d helped one of the concierges there with a problem two years ago and Gregory had said he was always available if Zander needed a favor. He’d wanted to take Caroline out both in his world and hers. And he’d actually been excited to surprise her.
He’d been looking forward to losing himself in the rest of the evening with her. Romancing her. Enjoying fucking being in love. Forgetting about his hometown, his family, and his job.
It wasn't that he never took time off or went out and got naked with beautiful women. But it had never been like this. It had never been with the desire to forget about it all. Sure, he blocked it out for a few minutes, maybe even an hour at a time, but none of it was ever very far from his mind. And that's how he preferred it.
Until now. Tonight with Caroline he wanted to forget. Completely. And now, not only was he feeling guilty, but he was feeling like a jackass for thinking it would work out.
“Fuck, fine,” Zeke finally said. “Sharp's missing.”
Dammit. Sharp had some shit going on in his life, for sure, and had been an angry asshole over the last few months. Zander didn’t blame him. Having his son die and his wife walk out had understandably messed him up. But Zander had had no choice but to throw him out of Ellie's bar twice, out of the convenience store twice, and to pick him up for reckless driving three times. He was not Lionel Sharpton's favorite guy right now, but he didn't think Sharp had a favorite guy. He was mostly just mad at the world, and Zander had really been trying to help the guy out.
But Spencer and Zander had reason to believe that he’d been in contact with the guys who had holed up deep in the bayou. Possibly for a job. What they weren’t sure about was if Sharp had agreed to take the job or not. And how the guys in the cabins had taken his answer.
“How long’s he been missing?”
“Last time anybody saw him was about twelve hours ago. He's not answering his phone and they found his truck down by the bayou about two miles north of Cutter’s.”