“I heard that your wife passed away. I’m so sorry.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “She was amazing, my Liza. You would’ve really liked her. Knew just how much to push. Could go against the grain without even Allen realizing it.”
“If she could pull one over on Allen, we definitely would’ve been friends.”
“I think so. I miss her every day.”
“That’s a measure of how much you loved her.” I’d never known that kind of love. I tried to imagine what it would feel like to have someone talk about me in the same reverent tone Ben had slipped into for his late wife. But I couldn’t picture it.
“You’re right there. But it’s hard to live with guilt. The millions of what-ifs. Mom says, sometimes, we can’t know God’s plan for us. But this feels like a really shitty road to put me on.”
My heart seized at his words, its rhythm tripping and stuttering. I didn’t have words of comfort for something like this. I wished I could think of something that might ease him just a little, but I kept coming up empty. “Seems to me that if God is who they say He is, He can take our anger and grief. He can take our rage. It’s when we stuff it down that we get into trouble.”
Ben’s gaze lifted to mine. “You get into trouble?”
“Maybe trouble isn’t the right word. But I’ve struggled to find my peace. To hold my anger and love at the same time.” It often felt as if there was only room enough for one of them at any given moment. That I could rage about all the ways my mother had let me down or remember the tender moments we shared in the garden or out on a hike, where she showed me which plants were edible. But I couldn’t hold both.
“She loved you. You know that, right? I know she wasn’t perfect. Far from it. Just like I know she regretted not doing more to protect you. We both carried that burden.”
That war was lighting inside me again. Wanting to reach for forgiveness and, at the same time, feeling like nothing would ever be enough. “I’m trying to find my way to understanding her more. I think that’s part of why I needed to come back here.”
I picked at a piece of my sandwich’s crust. “I’ve found empathy for her. Especially the girl who got married so young. Who really didn’t know what she was getting into. She was barely past her teenage years when she had Ian. Few would be equipped to handle that at her age.”
“But she did her best.”
“I’m sure she did. But she got so wrapped up in my father’s conspiracy theories. Fell down that rabbit hole. She constantly moved in response to whatever he did or didn’t do.” I tore the piece of crust into bits. “Looking back, I realize that he manipulated her with his emotions. Dad never raised a hand to her in anger. But if she displeased him, he ignored or berated her. That happens enough, you begin to toe the line.”
Ben’s brows pulled together as he studied his lunch. “I think she slipped into the same pattern with Allen. After you left, she did whatever he asked, but it was almost robotic.”
“She’d given up any fight left in her.”
“I guess you’re right,” he agreed. “I hate that he leads that way. There’s so much more power when you gain your devotion through respect.”
I took a sip of soda. “That’s how your parents work.” While Ben’s folks had different beliefs than most, they never forced them on others. They worked hard and led by example, instead of force.
“I can only hope to be half the man my father is one day.”
“I’m sure you will be.”
Ben flicked at the tab on his can, twisting it in some sort of rhythmic pattern. “You know you’d be welcome to come stay with them. Or me. Whenever you want. I hate the idea of you up at that cabin all alone.”
“I can’t, Ben.” It was too close. Too much in that world I’d done everything to escape. “I want to be where I am.” It felt like I was making a true home for myself. Maybe it was having the Eastons’ help these past few weeks, or perhaps seeing the paddocks start to take shape as Shiloh and I put up fencing. I was beginning to see what the property could be.
Ben’s mouth pressed into a firm line, but he nodded. “That invitation doesn’t have an expiration date.”
I reached across and patted his arm. “Thank you.” I wanted to find a way to meld the good parts of my past like Ben and Addie with the future I was building. That was what had always been at the heart of this journey. Melding the old with the new and forming it into something good.
Because as much as I tried to simply ignore the past, to build myself into an entirely new person who didn’t have a father in prison or a brother who never resisted using his fists, or a mother who had simply faded away, that wasn’t me. And who I was had strength and empathy because of where I’d come from.
“Well, isn’t this cozy?”
I lifted my head to see Ian strolling across the grass. I didn’t stand or let any glimmer of alarm rise to my face. I simply picked up my Coke and took a sip. “Hello, Ian.”
He ignored me and turned to Ben. “Allen needs you at the ranch. There’s an issue with the water pump, and no one can figure out how to fix it.”
Ben had always been gifted with machinery and mechanisms. He’d constantly taken apart old appliances to see if he could figure out how to fix them. Apparently, that hadn’t changed.
“I’ll head over as soon as I’ve finished up lunch.”
Ian swiped his hat off his head. “You’d side with her over the people who have had your back your entire life?”
Ben rolled his eyes heavenward. “It has nothing to do with sides. I’m hungry, and I’d like to finish eating. I need to wait for Addie anyway.”
“I’ll wait for Addie,” Ian gritted out.
Ben opened his mouth to argue, but I waved him off. “Take your sandwich to go. We can catch up another time.”
Ben met my stare as if checking to see if I really meant what I said. The tiny action made my chest tighten. It was a silent promise that he had my back against Ian this time. I gave him a small nod, and he rose, picking up his lunch.
“Does this mean you’re finally learning your place?” Ian asked.
“My place is wherever I want it to be.”
My brother scoffed, turning to Ben. “She always did have grand ideas about what she thought she could be. You might want to keep your distance from that one. She was willing to throw anyone under the bus to get what she wanted. It’s why she’s alone now. Burned every bridge she ever had.”
“I don’t know,” Ben said, “I think a few grand ideas is a good thing.”
He sent me a wink as they took off across the park, and I let out a slow breath. This was what the new normal would likely be. It seemed my brother might be settling, and I could only hope Allen did the same. They would never be friendly, but maybe over time, they would be content with snide jabs and rude comments.
I only hoped that Ben and Addie would be able to withstand them, too. Then maybe I could have both of my worlds and wouldn’t be so alone anymore. Maybe I’d build that rich life I’d always wanted. If I could just hold onto all of the pieces.