She never could. But I could never imagine her trying to kill herself.
“Her roommate found her drowning in their bathtub, both of her wrists were slit open and she has lost a lot of blood.”
I almost fell off the stool that I’d been on. “Is she…?”
I couldn’t really bring myself to say it. I’d always been aware of the effect that I had on women. Leo and I call it the Hudson charm and have always used that charm to such an extent wherein we broke hearts cold-bloodedly as it may seem, and we didn’t really give a damn. Heartbreak was a part of life and maybe we were meant to pass by those women’s lives to break their hearts to lead them to the one meant for them. Well, at least that was what I’d made myself believe to relieve myself of the guilt that sometimes stuck with me.
José shook his head and my shoulders sagged in relief. “Her roommate found her just in time and immediately called 911. On her way to the hospital, the paramedics managed to save her.”
I swallowed. “Is it because of me?”
José looked at me with pity but shook his head to a no, “I’m not sure, Jules. I know how head over heels Amber was for you but I didn’t think that she would take her own life because you broke up with her. Look, I don’t know much about what happened. I just heard this from Carlos because his girlfriend is in the same sorority as Amber.”
I let out a shaky breath, as guilt soon engulfed me. I remembered all the warnings that Milo and Everett gave me when I was younger; of how to be cautious when finding girls to have flings with. The fragility of the human heart was never really clear to me and it never occurred to me how heartbreak could be damaging to such an extent.
“I need to see her,” I said, my words coming out in a rush as I stood up. José stopped me with a hand on my shoulder, his brown eyes seemed concerned.
“We’re not sure if she committed suicide because of you, Jules. She might have a series of issues that had been troubling her.”
I remembered my phone vibrating a few minutes earlier, from a call that Amber had made and I had ignored. What if she was calling me and wanting me to stop her from trying to kill herself? What if it was my chance to save her but I chose to be an ass and sulk over the rejection that I had received and ignored her?
God.
“José…”
José understood why I looked like I’d been drowned at sea so he sighed and nodded his head. “I’ll call Carlos and we’ll head to whatever hospital they brought her into but you need to keep your crap together. When we know she’s fine, we’ll leave. Understand?”
Numb, I nodded my head because I wasn’t sure how or what I was meant to do. My mind kept spinning in circles and I couldn’t help but think that Amber tried to kill herself because of me. If she did, I wasn’t even sure if I could forgive myself knowing the pain that I’d caused her. At some point, José nudged me out of my thoughts. He told me that he knew where Amber was and I just followed him, dazed and confused at the sequence of these events.
A few moments ago, I was sulking about another rejection and then I heard the most beautiful voice ever, before I found out that my ex-fling almost tried to kill herself. It was all too much to take in a span of an hour and I had to resist the urge to call any one of my brothers because the last thing that I needed was for them to lecture me about being a jerk.
There was a swarm of students outside the hospital and most of them were already holding out vigil candles. They must’ve been students from Amber’s classes. After all, Amber was a spunky girl who shone like sunshine, it wouldn’t be a surprise if she had many friends who were already praying for her recovery. José turned to me and then removed the hoodie he was wearing and shoved it in my hands.
“Wear that and put the hood on. We still don’t know why Amber killed herself but the speculations about you being the reason would go around too. The last thing I need is for something to break out here at the sight of you.”
I understood José’s point and understood that he was just being cautious but it made me feel even worse. I quietly put on the hoodie and pulled the hood to hide my face. José led me to the other entrance of the hospital and then called Carlos to ask which floor Amber was on while I continued to follow him, my heart was racing in fear and worry and my hands grew clammy as my nerves continued to act up.
José led me to the third floor and when I got there, Amber’s closest friends were all in the waiting room and most of them were facing one door that had ‘intensive care unit’ written on the top. I suddenly felt myself blackout, my eyes closed as I staggered, grabbing the rail along the wall to steady myself. José turned to me and helped me stand still.
“Jules, you okay?” His voice sounded so calm and steady and broke the silence that everyone was trapped in. In an instant, I felt eyes on me and José cringed, realizing what he had just done. He turned to face everyone and I could feel the glares of each person in the room in full force. “Hi.”
“Why are you here?” The voice was cool and steady, almost as steady as José had been. “Julian, why are you here?”
I turned to look at the girl who was talking to me. She was short, probably about 5’5 and had dazzling brown eyes. Her brown hair was falling out from the ponytail that she had tied them in and she was glaring at me in anger. I knew her. Amber always talked about her and I recalled having hung out with her once.
The only difference was, Amber was being revived. “I wanted to know if she’s okay.”
She scoffed and I could clearly hear the anger in her words as she spoke. “God, you want to know if she’s okay? She’s in there because of you!”
Someone moved next to her. A guy. Tall and lean built and he placed his hands on her shoulders, as if trying to calm her down. “Aud, please. We’re not even sure if Amber did it because of him.”
But she was relentless as she stared me down. “Oh no, I’m certain that he’s the reason behind everything. You have no idea how many nights she had cried because he refused to answer her calls and how hopeful she was that she could change him.”
“Hey, for the record, Julian made things clear and Amber knew what she was getting herself into. It’s her fault for wanting more than he could offer,” José interjected, looking down at the girl.
But I barely heard my friend saving me because all I could see was the angry fire in the girl’s brown eyes. Suddenly, I registered who she was. She was Amber’s best friend, Audrey, and from the very first time that we meant, she hated me although it was never clear to me why. And right now, her hatred toward me felt like a burning inferno ready to consume me whole. Right then, she pushed off the guy’s hands on her as she marched closer to me to size me up, despite how much I towered over her.
“I just want to know if she’s okay,” I spoke quietly, finally finding the voice to do so, repeating what I just said a few moments ago. Despite everything, I knew that the last thing I could do was retaliate her anger with my own, even though she was treating me as if I was a piece of crap undeserving of even knowing if Amber was okay.
The way she looked at me, I almost felt like I could melt under her fiery gaze. “You have no remorse when you broke her heart, Julian Hudson, and now you broke her even more. Amber wouldn’t have done something like this had you not ruined everything for her even more. All she wanted was for you to love her.”