It was oil.
I was water.
We couldn’t coexist.
I already knew the answer. Somehow in my gut, I knew. She cried out and gripped me around the waist. I couldn’t even find comfort in her touch, my body felt outside of itself as I awaited her reply. It didn’t help that my affinity for touching was nonexistent. Since my parents didn't hug me much when I was younger, it made me hate it as I got older. Only with Andy and Cars did I feel okay, and it wasn’t often.
“Dox and Harley.”
Dox and Harley.
Mom and Dad.
“No,” I said, utter disbelief coating the words like a stale layer of glue. “No, I’m flying to them.”
She shook her head against me, her whimpers now made sense. “It was a surprise, they wanted to be here for your birthday, and then you’d spend an extra few weeks out in London, partying with him in a controlled environment. Dox even canceled three tour dates.”
Denial thickened on my tongue, the need to argue this overwhelmed me. They couldn’t be gone. “They probably got delayed,” I attempted to rationalize, needing some hope to grasp onto. Anything.
“No, Tol. They crashed, they fucking crashed.”
Tears escaped me, running down my face, a faucet of my own sorrows raining on Andy. Pain ebbed and flowed through me, like a disconnecting force, it couldn’t stick to my bones or invade me. It didn’t feel real.
“This can’t be real.”
I knew it, though. In my heart, in my chest, in my entire being. They were fucking gone and they’d wasted so much time away.
They were never here for me.
They never raised me.
They didn’t fucking care enough to stay home.
Fuck.
Anger overwhelmed me as sadness warred to take over. I hated time wasted, let alone time lost to death. How could you miss someone you never truly got the chance to know?
Between their constant tours and absentee parenting, I knew everyone around me more than them, yet as I held Andy, I felt the kind of despair that would change me forever.
I pulled out my cell, looking up Dox Reaver. Pulling up TMZ, my heart stopped as I read the opening lines.
“Lead singer of famous duo Windowless Skies, Dox Reaver, along with his wife Harley Reaver and pilot Justin Pinot crashed into the Atlantic when their plane malfunctioned, losing control as they attempted to land.
They leave behind a son, Toland Reaver. No one has seen him since the show in London seven years ago. Paparazzi are no doubt dissecting the Reavers’ lives, trying to find him.”
I thought back to my last morning with Mom when she joked with me about using my full name because it was habitual. The way she smiled when she kissed my head and hugged me goodbye. The way she laughed when I told her to not have too much fun without me.
She knew Dad had a long tour and I'd just been kicked out of school again for fighting Tony. Andy was supposed to take care of me so I wouldn't be alone and could be reformed. Somewhere along the line, I’d detached myself from getting better and lost myself in the process.
Now, there was nothing left.
I felt the air as it was stolen from my lungs. The oxygen seeped from me as my heart tried to understand the news.
When it finally left me choking and gasping for breath, I noticed Andy holding me, kissing my forehead, and the way she wiped my tears away. She boxed me in and consoled me the best she could. Her lips touched my forehead in succession, then my cheeks. She held me with so much love, yet I felt empty.
My body felt numb and restless, Andy the only thing holding me together while I fell apart. “It'll be okay. It'll be okay,” she chanted over and over again.
But it wouldn't be okay.
My parents were dead.
Chapter Thirteen
Drifting – NF
Madden
At some point, I passed out in her arms. Detaching from her resting body, I kissed her forehead, knowing what I needed to do.
My mind was everywhere, my thoughts frantic as I tried piecing together what happened.
My parents died.
Parents died.
Parents.
Died.
An ache festered inside me, like it told me the pain was hidden there, beneath the surface, deep below, almost hidden.
I could touch it, grasp it, but the thick skin protecting it didn’t allow me to. It was like it tried saving me from the agony, knowing I’d break the moment I touched it.
“I’ll miss you,” I whispered against her head, smelling the sweetness she offered once more. I loved Andy. At some point, it went from best friend love to the kind I could imagine spending the rest of my life with.
She was my light.
I thought back to when my parents would leave, not offering me comfort, only Andy giving that to me.
“Hug?” she asked, her eyes widening as I shook my head.
“Hugs are weird,” I acknowledged, thinking of how the last person I hugged was my mom and it was a result of me being sick.
“You’re not old enough to have that reaction,” Andy snorted, her face pinched with humor. I pushed at her a little. A shove of embarrassment. She didn’t stop laughing and I felt the horror clogging my throat as my skin heated.
“I don’t like hugs,” I grumbled, folding my arms across my chest. For a long time, it felt uncomfortable to feel people’s skin when they wanted to show affection.
Not even Royce hugged me.
The most I got was when I’d see Andy, and it’d been a while since we hung out last. It felt weird.
“Come on, Tol. Give me a hug,” she pushed, opening her arms once more. They looked so welcoming. Warm. Andy always offered me love in a way my parents didn’t. She was my best friend, the person I turned to.
Being thirteen seemed like a good time to stop touching her with hugs, right? But as she eyed me, her expression sincere, I walked into her arms and she pulled me against her chest.
My face hit her shoulders, her chest far too close for comfort. Heat engulfed me as I thought of how pretty Andy got over the winter. She had such a nice smile, and her arms wrapped around me had a fuzzy feeling building inside my stomach.
Finally wrapping my own arms around her, I inhaled her smell. Andy always had this citrus and fragrant crisp scent to her. It reminded me of flowers after the rain came, how it permeated the earth with that appealing aroma.
We stood there together, cuddling in a standing position, and for the first time, I was reminded why comfort such as touch was important.
It showed love.
Shaking the memory of her soft body against mine, I closed my eyes, allowing a last tear to trail down my cheek.
“Goodbye, little demon,” I whispered, feeling the pain overwhelm me.
My parents were gone. They weren’t here. Between needing to escape and wanting to breathe, I needed to find them. See them one last time.
Frantically, I searched for her notepad, the one she gave me for groceries and never actually used. Once my eyes landed on it, I grabbed it, scribbling all my thoughts down. This would never be enough for her but it would have to do.
I love you, little demon.
Goodbye.
Grabbing my wallet and phone, I left her apartment, not even packing my bag. I didn’t need the memories anyway.
I wanted to call Royce, tell him that I needed to see them. But how? Was there anything left? My chest throbbed as the elevator descended.