My phone buzzed a few times.
Messages from Jasper.
Liam.
Milo.
One from Freddie.
I didn’t answer any of them. I couldn’t.
Not until I had answers.
It was nearing midnight when Alphabet called back.
“You’re not going to like this,” he began without preamble before he recited the information he’d uncovered.
He was right.
I didn’t like it.
At all.
TRYING TO GRAB SMOKE
FREDDIE
The heated blanket didn’t seem to do much about the cold in the air, but Jasper had talked a nurse into giving him another one. It was stupid that he had tucked me in. Hadn’t I just been sweating my ass off? When I tried to push the blanket down and reach for the IV on my arm, Jasper caught my wrist.
“It itches,” I protested. My tongue was heavy and thick. Everything inside of me alternated between freezing and burning. The itching was inside my skin too, I needed to get it out. I needed… “A hit, just one.”
I wasn’t above begging.
“No,” Jasper told me firmly and he didn’t relax his grip on my arm. “You’ve already had too much.”
My next argument died as the door opened and Ms. Stephanie let herself in. The door. The room. Hospital room. Sweat dripped into my eyes. The thoughts were like whispers of smoke from the fire burning inside of me. Instead of anger or reproach, she gave me the kindest look.
One I really didn’t deserve.
I stopped fighting Jasper and laid back down. The shivers were coming. The nausea was already there. Closing my eyes helped, but not much. “Jasper, go on, I can stay with him.”
“Probably not a good idea.” He sounded almost apologetic. “He’s already tried to rabbit four times. They want him in restraints.”
I grimaced. But Jasper’s tone promised that wasn’t going to happen.
Ms. Stephanie let out another long sigh. The whisper of her hand against my brow was so cool, I almost echoed her exhale. It took me a minute, but I sucked it up and opened my eyes. Even braced for disappointment, I wasn’t ready to see the compassion in her eyes.
“Hey,” she said and I tried to smile. It wasn’t really physically possible at the moment. I wasn’t even sure when I got to the hospital. “I’m not going to ask how you’re feeling. You don’t look good.”
That seemed reasonable.
“I’m also not going to chastise you for doing this to yourself, though I think we all need to admit you need more help than what you’ve been getting.”
I couldn’t look at Jasper. If he was as disappointed as Ms. Stephanie, I was pretty sure it would kill me. All I ever did was let them down…
“But,” she continued, her voice crisp if gentle. “You don’t like strangers and you don’t like lock-in treatment programs, so I think we’re going to have to compromise.”
Now I did look at Jasper. Did he know what Ms. Stephanie was talking about?
“Listen to her, I think she’s right. What we’re doing isn’t working.” While he shook his head, his words seemed at odds with that action.
“I’m sorry.” The words tasted like ass. Hell, my whole mouth did. I wanted to throw up. I lurched upwards because the burn in my stomach followed my desire. Jasper caught me and had a bowl in front of me. He kept me upright while I puked up my guts.
Neither of them retreated, no matter how nasty. When it was done, he took the bowl away and Ms. Stephanie washed my face before she let me suck on some ice chips. “We’re going to get you through this,” she told me. “We’re going to get you past this overdose and you’re going to get clean. Then, we’re going to go to the meetings together.”
I swallowed the bitter bile in the back of my throat.
“Or?” Because that sounded like it had a hammer to make me do what she wanted me to do.
“Or we’ll keep trying until we beat this,” she told me. “We’re not giving up on you.”
I couldn’t figure out why.
“Which means you cut this shit out,” Jasper said, folding his arms as he stared at me. Despite the gruff tone, he wore a frown of concern. “I don’t want to find you like that again.”
Fuck.
I banged my head against the pillow. “I just needed it to stop for a little while.”
Neither of them asked me what I needed to stop. Ms. Stephanie knew and Jasper never pushed. Sometimes—sometimes I thought he did know. But he never brought it up.
“Well, we’re gonna find other ways,” he told me. “And if it gets like this again, you call us first.”
Nausea swarmed through me again. Some days, I really didn’t know why they pushed so hard. I wasn’t worth it. Maybe if Jasper really knew the truth, he’d get it. None of them would want me around…
“Whatever the fuck you’re thinking kid, knock it the hell off.” Jasper all but collapsed into the chair next to the bed. “Sorry, Ms. Stephanie.”
“I think we can let the language go,” she said, almost too lightly. “I’ll give you both a pass tonight.”
“You shouldn’t,” I mumbled.
“I think I’ll do whatever the fuck I like,” Ms. Stephanie informed me in a tone so tart, I had to blink. “What? You didn’t think I knew how to use cursing as judiciously as you?”
I opened my mouth, but honestly, I had no idea what to say.
“Well then, now that I have your attention…” She wore the most serene expression, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Let’s discuss what’s going to happen for the next three days.”
Licking my dry lips, I frowned. It was spring break. “I don’t have school.” The dry expression she wore promised that wasn’t what she meant. “Okay.” My voice came out a croak. I winced and she fed me another spoonful of ice chips. After I got those down and she gave me another, I managed, “Why three days?”
“You’ll be here in the hospital for at least the next forty-eight hours. I’d like seventy-two. They’ve got you on a dose of methadone to get you clean, but if you leave too soon or you decide to go and do a few hits, you could overdose again.”
Oh.
One glance at Jasper said he was scowling.
“What happens after three days?”
“We get through the next three days, and we’ll talk about the three after that. Then the three after that. Can you hold on for three days?”
I had no idea.
“We’ll do it one day at a time, but one of us is going to be here with you…”
Jasper had work and so did she. “Just suck it up, Freddie,” Jasper told me as he leaned back in the chair and put his booted feet on the end of my bed, like he had every intention of sleeping in that chair. “In three days, Vaughn and Kel will take over.”
Ms. Stephanie nodded. “Then Jasper and I will be back. Rome will fill in when we need him.”
But not Milo or Liam?
"Milo and Liam are for the three days you decide you’re going to run again,” Jasper said, but he hadn’t opened his eyes. “Just be ready, Liam’s got money on when you’re gonna bolt.”