Dammit.
Swan, just make it. Don't give up. Prove how much like Raptor you really are, and don't forget that while birds have wings, they also have talons. You’re a fighter. Keep fighting.
CHAPTER 22
EMERSYN
The hardest part about being in this place was I didn't always know what was real and what wasn't. Some days, I didn’t even realize I was here. Other days, I couldn't figure out where the hell here was. Or if I cared where and what here was. Those days should terrify me.
The people who worked here weren't much better. In fact, knowing them was worse than not knowing where I was. Of all the people I dealt with, and spotty memory or not, there were a few, only two were consistent. Janice, my nurse, bubbled over with kindness. Everything about her said trust me. I didn’t dare. Then there was Doctor Frankenfurter. That wasn’t his name, but I didn’t care.
In and around the white static, I kept seeing the loathsome man with my uncle. Anyone who was with my uncle, or on his side, couldn't be trusted. No matter what the doctor said, no matter what he did, no matter how many times he told me he was there to help me — it was all lies.
Every. Single. Word.
Beyond dealing with the doctor and Janice, there were the waking dreams. Dreams where Liam scolded me for giving up and Vaughn told me I could do anything. Other dreams, where Rome painted. Sometimes, I thought those were my favorites. He didn't say anything to me, scold me or make me feel bad. He was just there with me, like he wouldn’t let me be alone—here or anywhere else. Those dreams were moments glimpsed through pinholes in a sooty window.
I wanted more. I missed the sound of their voices. I missed how lyrical and crooning Vaughn’s voice was, the bite of humor in Liam’s, the patience in Kellan’s, the playful growl in Jasper’s—even when the growl wasn’t playful. I missed Rome and how he looked at the world. The simple acceptance he had for the world around him. The beauty he brought to my life.
Then there were the other waking dreams, these were worse. The dreams where Doc stared at me with such utter disappointment. I didn't want to talk to Doc. Or think about him. The half-formed ache inside came not just from the disappointment, but also the way he pushed me away. Maybe that was good. Maybe it was better. Especially since I was gone.
As much as I… No, I couldn’t let myself go there. There were so few minutes during the day when it was just me and my brain. Before they brought me the pills. Before the fog descended. At least they were pills now.
They were done doing the shots or whatever it was they were putting in my IV. The white static was always there. Even worse, I couldn’t always stop the direction my thoughts went in. How many times had I conjured Freddie? I swore, he was so fucking real.
More real than anything else. I could touch him, like he was literally there. For just a few minutes, I thought he really was. And then that went away too, vanished into the white static. It was all like some horrible little taunts from the past slipping through my fingers.
When the door opened to let Janice in, I didn't respond. I didn't turn my head or focus on her. Maybe she would think I was still out of it. Maybe she wouldn’t force me to take more pills.
I should've known better. She hustled right over to me chattering happily. “Good morning, Miss Sharpe. Good morning, good morning, good morning. And how are we today? I hope you slept well. I know you've been having bad dreams, but I didn't see anything on the board for last night. How great is that?"
Fucking fabulous, not that I said that. I didn’t think I’d had any nightmares. Then again, I’d fought going to sleep all night long. My head had been too full and it had been too hard to focus. I kept seeing puzzle pieces snapping together. Eventually, I realized it was night. The windows had been dark and the hallway too.
The rip of the Velcro restraints being released seemed to echo loudly in the room. Janice didn’t even seem to mind that I hadn’t answered her. After she got my arms and legs released, she wrapped an arm around me to sit me up. Like I couldn’t sit up on my own or something. Arguing wouldn’t have helped, not with the strange malaise seemingly lacing my whole body.
“You know,” she continued almost conversationally. “I think we’re getting there. It’s almost time to graduate you to the next part of the program.”
Yay, I guessed. I got to graduate? Did one actually graduate from a place like this? Was it like, the Third Circle of Hell… Wait, which one was the Third Circle again? Shit. I’d even done a show of Dante’s Inferno. Why couldn’t I think of it? Or had I just forgotten all of it? Fourth was greed, right? Maybe.
Fuck, I couldn’t remember.
Janice didn't wait for me to get my shit together; she just hustled me right off the bed and into the bathroom. On the upside, she let me pee by myself. I savored the refreshing change. Normally, one of them stood there like they had to verify I was the one peeing. Of course, they’d also set me up with a bed pan more than once, the less I thought about that, the better.
Probably better to not look too closely at anything I couldn’t remember. Sessions with the doctor. Sessions with the white static. The floaty place.
All at once, the desire for coffee struck. I’d kill for a fresh hot caffeine infusion.
"Breakfast today is going to be oatmeal, raspberries, and nuts." Janice was still talking in the other room as she moved about. She probably stripped and remade the bed, then tidied things up. Not that it got messy when I was literally strapped to the bed. That, or she wanted to make sure I hadn’t hidden anything. I was talented after all.
Wait a minute.
I was talented. I glanced down at my arms. They were still achy and sore. The scars were still fresh, their pinkish color angry. If I flexed my fingers and wrists, the muscles in my forearm shifted. The pull against the scars seemed minimal.
I could get out of those straps.
"… Also, I wanted to let you know," Janice said as she stuck her head in the door while I was still sitting on the toilet. "You get to actually go to a group session today. Doesn't that sound great?"
Couldn’t wait. “Okay,” was about all the excitement I could muster. Especially since the only group meeting I wanted was one with—
"Also, while I'm thinking about it," Janice said. "We've been discussing your regimen. You spend an awful lot of time alone."
No kidding? Surprising, considering they strapped me to a bed every night. Apparently, Janice wasn’t going away, so I finished, flushed, then moved to the sink to wash my hands. The cold water felt good over my hands. They’d even given me a brand new toothbrush. Who knew it was the little things that would matter?
"Currently, you’ve been enjoying an hour a day in the community room, but a change might be more beneficial. Help you integrate more. Isolation isn’t healthy for you,” Janice continued, all the while studying my expression via the mirror. I tried to summon up a smile. I was a performer. This was a performance. Oh, but the ache in my soul dug deeper and more painful the longer I was not in the place with the white static. I shoved it all to the side. Janice must've liked what she saw because she nodded. "We’re in agreement to let you spend more time in the community room."