My heart twisted at his name. He was probably furious with me.
“He’s never given up on me,” Freddie confessed. “Even when he should.”
“I don’t think he wants to give up on you.”
A faint snort escaped him. “Prolly not, our boy has issues, you know.”
“We all have issues.” The moment those four words passed my lips, I could taste the absolute truth there. “I’m adopted.”
Two simple words. Best news I’d had in my lifetime and…
“When Milo—” Dammit. Milo was probably mad I left. Or maybe not. “Was Milo happy that I went home?”
Freddie cut a look at me. “When he thought it was your choice, he accepted it.”
That wasn’t an answer.
“He wasn’t happy, Boo-Boo.”
Relief swamped me all over again. “I don’t have the right to want him to miss me.”
“Boo-Boo, Raptor’s missed you since the day you were adopted. I didn’t even know him then and I knew that. That’s the thing, you know—you’ve always been a part of our lives. My life. For as long as I’ve known them… Wait, scratch that. For as long as they trusted me, I knew you were one of us.”
That part still left me mystified. “You didn’t know me.”
“Eh,” he said with a shrug. “Ivy is a part of Milo. You’re Ivy. Ergo—you’re a part of Milo. Milo is also one of us. Used to be the best of us. Not so sure about that anymore.” He paused, almost thoughtful. “Maybe he’s more human now. Kind of like the shine has been knocked off. Whatever—the point is—you’re a part of Milo. Milo is one of us. You’re one of us.”
“Just like that?” Was it really that simple?
“Pretty much.” Twisting, he sat sideways so he could face me. “Look, I’m a fuckup.”
“Freddie…”
“Nope, I’m a total fuckup. I know it. They know it. Just—I’m also a Vandal, and they don’t let me go, even when they should. They will haul my sad ass right up out of the gutter, get me clean, and sit on me until I get my shit together.”
Tears burned in my eyes. “That’s kind of beautiful.”
“Agree to disagree,” he said with a snort. “It’s—it is what it is.” Then he sighed. “Boo-Boo, I know you’re scared to tell me things. Maybe you think I can’t handle it. Or maybe you don’t think I mean what I say…”
It wasn’t that. I swallowed, all the moisture in my mouth drying up. “It’s—it’s not that I don’t believe you.”
“I think it’s part of it.”
“I don’t even know how to tell you.”
Standing up, he held out a hand to me. I slid my palm over his and he tugged me to my feet. The world swayed a little and I tightened my grip to keep from falling down.
“You okay?” he checked and I nodded.
“Dizzy.”
“Okay. Plan B.”
He snagged the pillow and dropped it on the floor, then had me sit on it. Instead of sitting with me, he moved behind me and sat down. Then his back was against mine.
“What are we doing?”
“Confession.”
“Confession?” I tried to twist around, but the pressure of him leaning into my back kept me from moving too far.
“Yeah,” he said. “Just—go with it. When you go to church and you confess to the priest, you’re in the little box and they can’t really see you and you can’t see them. It gives you the freedom to admit what’s going on with you without having to see judgment in his eyes. Mostly, cause you know in church, you’re not there for the priest’s judgment.”
A shudder went through me. “I’m not real big on church.” I literally couldn’t think of the last time we’d been to one. If ever.
Freddie snorted softly. “It’s not about going to church, Boo-Boo. It’s about whatever you tell me, I’m not going to judge.” Then before I could respond to that offer, he said “And whatever I tell you, I’m trusting you to not judge me too.”
I would never. “Freddie, I think you’re awesome.”
“Well, I’m glad you noticed, but then we know you’re the smart one.”
A wet laugh escaped me, and I pressed a hand against my mouth. I wasn’t in the floaty place or the white static, but I was—still a little disconnected.
“If you like, I can go first,” he offered. “I know it’s ladies first and all that, but I figure if I do it, you can see it’s not so bad.”
Apprehension struck with every thud of my heart. The dryness in my mouth was back. “You don’t have to.”
“I should tell someone,” he said quietly. “The guys know, well, I think they know. They know parts of it, but I’ve never talked about it.”
All at once, I wanted to run away and take him with me. He didn’t have to…
“My earliest memory was being in bed with a man,” he said, his voice so soft I had to strain to hear it. “It’s literally like the first thing I can remember from when I was little. There were lights and a camera, and they were hurting me.”
I closed my eyes. Then I forced them open again. If Freddie could tell me this, then I could damn well listen. The disjointed sensation eased.
“I mean, there’s a word for it—child pornography—two words.” A self-deprecating laugh. “Didn’t know what it was called. Just knew it hurt. I wasn’t the only one there. And I didn’t have to do it every day, probably good, ‘cause they tore me up.”
Bile burned the back of my throat.
“I was—four, I think. Maybe I was younger. But I think I was four. That was my life until I was eight or so.”
His life?
He went quiet, and I swallowed against the burn in my throat and in my eyes. “I don’t remember a time when my uncle didn’t touch me.” It was so hard to push those words out and I stared at the darkness of the room, terrified someone would hear it. Hear me.
Worse, they would hear me telling Freddie.
His back stiffened against me.
“He used to dress me up, or he would have his staff do it…” I licked my lips but there was no spit. “He liked to take my clothes off and to pet me and to dress me up again.”
The bile from earlier just seemed to sit there and one of the tears slid free.
“He calls me his princess.”
I hated that name so much.
"And it was always just touching…until I turned ten.” Then it was so much worse. “I—had to touch him sometimes too. Every person I’ve ever told…they’ve died.”
Silence greeted my confession. Then again, I hadn’t really known how to respond to his.
“When I was six,” Freddie said. “They sold me to a man for his collection. They said I’d gotten too old, and they needed me to do other things. I was supposed to call this new man Daddy.” The snort he released said exactly what he thought of that. “That was the first time I ran away. I didn’t make it very far, but he locked me up in a little room after. Eventually, he got tired of me and gave me back to the movie people.”