I had no reply because I knew she was right, and it wasn’t like I didn’t want to admit it, it was just that I didn’t know where to find the courage to go for it.
She got closer. “Nothing is permanent, Alex. Not peace. Not happiness. Not joy. People don’t understand that. They want those feelings all the time. But they’re just not to be had. Also not permanent?”
Her last sentence was a question, an indication she wanted to be sure I wanted her to continue imparting her wisdom on me.
Obviously, I nodded.
She continued, “Heartbreak. Or pain. Or fear.”
Holy wow.
She was right again.
“Once you understand that,” she started to sum up. “Once you get that everything comes and then it goes, you learn to take the leap.”
When I had no reply, she kept going.
“You even learn how important it is to take it.” Dani turned her head toward the stairs, looked back to me, and gave me a big, encouraging smile. “Leap, sister.”
She then gave me an arm hug, let me go, and she and her panama hat floated up the stairs and into the bar.
I stared after her.
Then I remembered the way Rix looked when he stopped staring at my mouth, he gazed into my eyes, knew he had me, and he wanted that.
He wanted me.
“Leap,” I said under my breath.
Still totally scared to death, I nevertheless lifted my chin, headed up the stairs and straight to our table.
Chloe, Judge, no Rix.
Did he take the opportunity of me leaving the table to hit the loo as well?
I was almost to my vacated chair when I noticed Chloe and Judge were not sitting close, murmuring to each other, like they had been when Rix and I were doing the same.
They were staring back where I came from, across the space, to the bar.
And they looked ticked.
Even Judge, who was the single most easy-going guy I’d ever met. His jaw was all tense and a muscle was flashing up his cheek.
Curious as to what was pissing even Judge off, I turned in the direction they were staring and stopped dead.
I’d walked right by him,
Rix.
He was at the bar with a blonde, mountain-fresh, tanned goddess. He was also in her space, listening to her with rapt attention.
I could almost hear the propellers lifting up my heart, making it soar, splutter and give out and then it was in a nose dive.
Free falling.
I’d been gone…what?
Ten minutes?
“I gotta go,” I said, again loudly, and both Chloe’s and Judge’s heads swung my way.
If I wasn’t entirely engrossed in the fact my heart had crashed at my feet, I would have stepped back because Chloe looked like she was about to spit fire.
Instead, I grabbed my army-green hobo bag and tossed the long strap over my shoulder.
Judge started to rise from his seat. “Are you okay to drive?”
Damn it.
I probably wasn’t.
“I—” I began.
But Chloe was now up too. “We’ll take you home, Alex.”
“No, you guys stay…um…” I didn’t know what else to say because I couldn’t drive, and I didn’t want to make them end their night, and I couldn’t catch a thought in order to decide which of my friends to call to ask for a ride home.
It was then, my eyes, without my permission, strayed back to Rix.
My throat tightened.
But my attention was caught by something else.
And I saw Dani was now sitting behind Rix, eyes to me, and when she caught mine, she mouthed, Asshole, then she magnificently frowned.
I wanted to find that funny. I wanted to feel the bolster of female camaraderie.
I didn’t do either.
“We’re taking you home,” Judge decreed. “I just had one beer, Alex, so I’m good to drive. And Chloe and me are ready to roll.”
I bet they were, in their loved-up bliss, perfect for each other, all moved in together, building their family (of dogs, for now).
They were the best couple ever.
If you asked me a year ago—that a gal like Chloe would be it for Judge—I’d have said no.
But she was.
Top to toe, inside and out, she was sophisticated and a city girl and had traveled the world and was super rich, and she worshiped him and didn’t hide it.
She was lucky, she got that back. But that was Judge. When he found the one for him, that would always have been what he’d give.
And he did.
But me?
I was going home alone.
Again.
Having a great day, getting a promotion and a raise, heading into a future working on an amazing program doing good things for kids, a program endowed by one of the richest men in the world, downing some drinks with good people, flirting with a gorgeous guy…and ending all of that crawling into bed alone.
Again.
Way to go, Alex.
Awesome celebration.
Yay me.
Ulk.
“You sure?” I asked Judge. “It’s a ways out of your way.”
“Absolutely,” Judge answered, his tone flinty.
I nodded.
We headed out, me ducking my head as I trailed behind them.
“I’ll talk to him later,” I heard Judge mutter.
I then heard Chloe reply, “You are not saying a word to him.”
“What?” Judge.
“We’ll talk. Not now.” Chloe.
We hit the door and then the cool air hit my face.
But for the first time in my life, heading outside didn’t make me feel free.
No.
Instead, it cost me a lot…
But when I stepped outside, I just stopped myself from dissolving into tears.
Chapter 1
The Morning
Rix
It was the morning after Judge, Chloe, and Alex all ditched him at the bar.
He’d gotten out of bed as usual, at five.
He’d gone out for a bike ride.
Came home, made and downed a smoothie, showered, and now he was in Scooter’s drive-through, getting a coffee.
That entire morning, he’d not once thought about the woman he fucked the night before, then, after they were both done, minimal cuddle time and an exchange of numbers (hers, he wasn’t going to use, his, he’d shifted a digit so he didn’t have to deal with ghosting her, and yeah, that made him sound like a dick, but her place was a disaster, she had three cats, and it felt like he walked out of there with layer of fur on him and throat full of dander—woman, man, he didn’t give a shit, you kept your house, especially if you had pets—all that was on top of the fact she wasn’t that great of a fuck).
He’d left her in her bed to get his ass home and hadn’t thought of her since.
Nope.
All he could think about was Alex, all alone in a hot springs in the winter somewhere outside Ouray, staying in that water until her fingers were wrinkled.
And he did this wondering if she’d been naked.
What was that about?
Although the woman had a great head of hair and an even better ass, both that any heterosexual or bi man breathing would notice, Alex had always been that mildly annoying co-worker who was that because, when she allowed herself to be visible at all, which wasn’t often, she acted weird.
Worse, she had no clue how to deal with a person living with a disability, which, when this was made noticeable—and because she was weird, this was noticeable way more than it should be—was a lot more than mildly annoying.