“Right,” Rix murmured when I paused.
“I guess the lack of affection might seem natural for Mum, given the stereotypical English reserve. But trust me, it’s not. I spent a lot of time there and some English folk might not be overtly friendly, like Americans, or the Scots and Irish, but they’re friendly and they’re kind and loving. On his part, sometimes it felt like Dad actually forgot we existed. I know Blake felt it too. Her response was to act up. Dad’s response was to teach us both a lesson for her transgressions. My response to that, and the fact that Mum and Dad fought a lot, like, a serious lot, was to try not to be seen, heard, or noticed at all.”
He winced, and both hands stopped moving, his arm curving tight around my back, the other hand cupping my jaw.
Then he started to look pissed.
My hands were resting on his chest, but when I saw his shift in mood, I pressed in. “Don’t be mad, Rix. I escaped.”
“Okay, sweetheart,” he lied, because I could tell he was still ticked.
“Anyway,” I carried on in an effort to move us past that, “it wasn’t just that. I wasn’t like them. I never was. I felt it even before I knew what I was feeling. I think Grandmother Brooke was like me. She played golf and she’d drive herself places with her chauffer riding shotgun and give him the keys to take off when she got where she was going. But when he came back to get her, he’d get out, and she’d slide behind the wheel.”
Rix’s lips tipped up.
Yeah, that was Grandmother Brooke.
She was a character.
“And she’d snipe at Blake when she was lazing in front of the TV or taking too long to do her hair, ‘The sun is shining, girl, by God, what’s the matter with you?’ She would buy me fancy dresses and make me wear them when she took me out to tea or to the opera, but whenever I pulled one on, she’d say, ‘Never forget, when you’re amongst the enemy, be sure you’re wearing brilliant camouflage.’ Then we’d go out for that tea or to the opera and she’d say things like, ‘The key, my girl, is not what they think it is. They try to hide they’re watching, but you know they are. Foolish waste of energy. It never fails to take someone off guard when they know you’re watching.’ And then she’d blatantly be up in everyone’s business. I don’t think she saw a performer sing a single note onstage. Her opera glasses were always turned to the audience.”
Rix grinned.
I grinned too.
Then I stopped doing it and dropped my eyes past his lips.
“And I’ll never forget, when she got sick and knew she was dying, she called me to her, told me what she was leaving me and demanded, ‘The most important thing I’ll ever say to you, Alexandra, is that not one single soul in history is remembered for toeing the goddamned line.’”
I drew in a breath at the memory, how frail she’d been, how I hated that when she was always incredibly slim, but still was filled to the brim with vim and vigor.
“That was when I knew,” I told Rix’s throat. “Not that I had to get out, I already knew that. I knew she wanted me to go. Maybe she worried that they’d yank my trust fund and I wouldn’t have the means to go, so she gave me all she could so I would. And because she did, even though I never had to use what she gave me, I went.”
“Was that hard?” Rix asked, and I lifted my gaze to him and shrugged.
“I thought it would be. I thought if I didn’t start dating someone like Chad, or go to England and start dating an English Chad, and get involved on charity boards and mentor for debutante balls, they’d lose their minds. But I don’t think in the first few months Dad even knew I’d gone.”
“Fucking hell,” Rix grunted, sounding like my words were a physical punch in the gut.
“It’s better that way, trust me,” I assured. “Blake still acts out, I think so Dad will remember she’s around. Mostly, underneath those cries for attention, she does as expected. And the sad part is, she’s going to marry a guy like Chad, who’ll make her as happy as Mum and Dad were together. They’ll create children. And she’ll raise them to do the same as she does. What’s expected. I know it’s not the saddest thing in the world, but still. It’s sad.”
He looked like he had something to say, but he didn’t say it.
When he didn’t, I took in another breath, held his gaze and finished.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It’s weird, but it’s almost embarrassing to be…well, me.”
He had something to say to that.
“I don’t get that, sweetheart.”
“Not everyone has thirty-five million dollars, and I have to admit, if she doesn’t lose interest in us, it won’t be difficult for Elsa to find pictures of me hanging with a certain guy who is a lot closer to the throne than I am.”
I knew he knew who I was talking about when his brows shot up. “No shit?”
“He’s a cool guy,” I muttered.
Rix started chuckling.
That surprised me, so I focused on him again. “I really am sorry.”
He sat straighter on the couch, and he did it so he could wrap his arms around me, pulling me close to him, front to front.
If I didn’t want to be awkwardly eyes to his chin, this kind of forced my forehead into the side of his neck.
One could say me straddling Rix and held tight to him would be the perfect catalyst for an epic freakout.
But the truth was, it was really comfortable.
When Rix didn’t say anything, I did.
“I hesitate after all of that to share the obvious,” I started. “But this wouldn’t have happened if you let me fill out my part of the binder.”
For the first time, I felt as well as heard him laughing.
Oh yes.
Being with Rix like this was perfectly comfortable.
“So, when we get married, am I gonna be a lord?” he teased.
It was me laughing then, and relaxing into him, because he was obviously over the drama.
“I don’t think it works that way.”
“Bummer,” he muttered.
I felt his fingers resting on my waist dig in before he did what he seemed to be prone to doing.
He rocked my world.
“Gotta make sure you get, after that kiss, and pretty much everything that went before it, starting in Cali, that we’re not fake.”
I did not get that.
I stared at his strong throat, my relaxed body stringing tight.
“Seriously?” he asked, not missing my reaction, and this word sounded amused and annoyed.
I lifted my head to catch his gaze. “Rix—”
“No, we’re not engaged. Obviously. And so you got what you need as we do this, I am not even close to ready for a relationship. I’m not looking for that. But I like spending time with you. I’m attracted to you. I want more from you, you in my space, me in yours, and physically. And I know you share those feelings with me. Though, if you wanna keep this fake, we gotta have a discussion, because straight up, Alex, I’m not in that place anymore.”
I was stuck on one thing in all of that, even if all of that was huge.
“You’re attracted to me?”
His eyes scanned my face before they came back to mine, and he said, firm at the same time gentle, “Stop it.”