“I know.” I hesitate, my hands twisting together in front of me. “I’m not ready to call him yet.”
“Come here.” She holds her hands out, motioning for me to join her on the couch. “Let’s talk about this some more.”
I drop onto the bouncy couch cushion and inhale a few deep breaths. Heat burns my face. I haven’t figured it out myself, yet. How can I discuss this with anyone else? Especially Emily. I’m already disappointed with myself. I don’t think I can handle her disappointment too.
“I’m tired.” I yawn to punctuate the statement. “Um, can we not say anything to Libby about this, for now?”
“Of course. I won’t tell a soul.” She shrugs. “I’ll say the heat in your apartment isn’t working or something.”
“Thanks.”
“I doubt it’ll be an issue. I think she’ll just be excited you’re here.” Her mouth turns down. “Somewhere along the way, I went from fun, big sister, to annoying parental unit.”
“Aw, that’s not true.”
“It is,” she shrugs, “but that’s what I signed up for.”
The reminder of all the tough decisions Emily’s faced on her own tug at my heart. I shouldn’t be burdening her with my mistakes. “I’m sorry—”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for.” She pats my leg. “You’re going to stay with us. This is your home now. End of discussion.”
Home has never been one particular place to me. More of a feeling. And right now, with Emily’s acceptance and support, I really do feel home.
Chapter Four
Grinder
Halfway back to the clubhouse, Z and I both receive texts. Mine’s from Wrath.
Church. First thing tomorrow morning.
Z’s message flashes across the truck’s dashboard screen.
Rock: If you’re still local, we’re sitting down for church first thing in the morning.
“At least he seems to respect your role as president,” I say, nodding at the screen.
“Rock?” Z lifts an eyebrow.
“No, Godzilla. Who the fuck else would I be talking about?”
He turns his head slightly. “How’d you end up with the road name Grinder, instead of Grumpy?”
“Hilarious. You should be a comedian.”
“Yeah, things are working well the way they are,” he answers my initial observation.
“Good.”
“I’m trying, but I still don’t quite trust all of the guys downstate the same way I trust—”
After what Serena told me, I don’t blame him. “Always knew Sway would cause a lot of damage if he had an ounce of power.”
“True story,” he agrees. “Rooster’s solid. Jigsaw too. You can trust them. Butcher—he spent a lot of time up here helping out. Good brother.”
“Kinda strange your SAA isn’t at the top of your list,” I point out.
“I trust Steer,” he says slowly. “But he was an officer under Sway too.”
“You didn’t want to clean house when you came in?” Not that I need him to confirm or deny.
He hesitates. “Assuming Sway’s role at the head of the table was a…delicate procedure.”
Something Z would’ve been perfect for. Lotta folks underestimated him back in the day and it seems like he’s used that to his advantage over the years.
“I didn’t want to leave upstate,” Z says. “Still burns my ass a little.”
“You can’t go back to VP once you’ve been the prez.”
He shrugs. “I could give a fuck about titles.” He gestures toward the screen where the text from Rock is still blinking. “I never felt stifled or anything working with Rock. And yes, I mean working with. He doesn’t treat any of us like we’re underneath him.”
“Never was afraid to get his hands dirty.”
“Right. He’s always had everyone’s respect.” He snickers. “Well, he was rough on Teller and Murphy sometimes, but they deserved it.”
“I’ve noticed he still is. Couldn’t have been too bad. They turned into fine brothers.”
“Aw, papa bear. It’s so good you’re home.”
“Don’t start with me.”
The smirk slides off his face. “I mean it, G. I hate that you missed out on so much.”
“No more than I do.” No point in denying the obvious. Or wallowing in it.
“I know.”
“If I dwell on it too long, it’ll make me crazy,” I warn, hoping he’ll drop it.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to bring it up.”
“It’s always there.” I tap my fingers against the back of my skull. “That feeling lingering. I want to make up for lost time. That’s why I hate this shit with Grillo holding me back.”
“It won’t last forever, brother. One way or another we’re going to take care of him.”
“He’s my problem to handle.”
“Problem of my brother’s is a problem of mine. That hasn’t changed.”
Why has it always been so easy for me to give that advice but so hard to accept it myself?
I can’t believe I’m going to say this out loud. But Z didn’t have to give up his evening to drive around Empire County with me. I want him to put his guilty conscience to rest. “I feel like I have this second chance with Serena. And I really don’t want to fuck it up.”
“You won’t.” He pauses. I glance over and catch his clenched jaw.
“What?” I prompt.
“Nothing. Maybe don’t pin all your hope on one girl, you know? She’s…ah…at a different stage of life than you are.”
“Thanks for not saying ‘young enough to be my daughter’ like Wrath did.”
He grins. “Wrath wouldn’t understand tact if a thousand pounds of it fell on his big ol’ Viking skull.”
“We’ve talked about that.” I cough and shift in my seat. “Serena and I, I mean.”
“You have?”
“Yes, Z.” I’m not going to get into personal stuff she’s shared with me. He already knows more than he should. “She’s had it rough in her own way.”
“Most people who end up in club life have a reason.”
I growl at the mention of Serena being involved in the club, even though I already know all about it.
“Easy, I didn’t mean anything bad by it.”
“I know you didn’t.” I stare out the window watching the red taillights ahead of us. “In some ways, I think she’s better suited to being an ol’ lady than Rosie ever was.”
“Probably.” He glances over. “Although, I’d keep those comparisons to a minimum, brother. Women ain’t fond of that.”
I snort. “Yeah. I screwed stuff up with Rosie long before I went inside. Trying hard not to do it again.”
“Learning from our mistakes and trying to do better is what it’s all about, right?”
“Supposedly.”