She did. When they were together, he would cook all their meals. She hated cooking. Always had. When it was just her and Ruby, she made do, forced herself into Taco Tuesdays and had perfected many a casserole, but that was just throwing stuff into a baking dish. Josh cooked.
“I remember something about that,” she said as Josh sat down next to her, crossing his legs like a kid and grinning. His hair was long on top, short on the sides, and looked stupidly adorable in the soft glow from the fairy lights. His hazel eyes twinkled at her. Ruby’s eyes. Their daughter had gotten his hair too. Thick and wavy, strands of gold slipping between the brown.
“He made this homemade sauce with all these fresh tomatoes and garlic and olive oil and ugh”—Ruby flopped back onto the quilts, holding her stomach—“it was so good.”
“Sound delicious,” Claire said. “Isn’t it time for bed?”
Ruby stilled and sat up, but it took a second to get her body to do what she wanted. She was all arms and legs, that awkward, lanky phase settling on her the last few months. “It’s summer.”
“I know, baby, but—”
“And I’m at Dad’s.” Her daughter glared at her, this withering stare that Claire had become very accustomed to lately. “Dad’s rules.”
Next to her, Josh cleared his throat. “Um, Rube—”
“We were about to watch Inside Out.”
Claire glanced at Josh, and he just smiled that ridiculous smile he always smiled whenever this happened. The one that said, I’m just a big dumb kid myself. What are you gonna do?
“It’s ten o’clock,” she said.
“It’s the weekend,” Ruby said.
Claire let her eyes travel over the fort. Ten o’clock was no big deal, she knew. Neither was ten thirty. Eleven, for an eleven-year-old, was pushing it. But a movie would last until midnight, and Ruby was a beast when she didn’t get enough sleep. Cranky and whiny and prone to tears at the slightest problem, all of which Claire would have to deal with tomorrow when Josh dropped her off. All of which he would know if he was part of their lives on any consistent basis. But now, sitting here in front of the, admittedly, most amazing blanket fort she’d ever seen, she’d be the bad guy if she said any of this. Just like she always was when it came to Josh.
“Rubes,” Josh said, leaning toward his daughter. “Maybe we should call it a night. Your mom’s right; it’s late, and we can watch a movie anytime.”
Claire pressed her eyes closed, waiting for that to land. She knew Josh was just trying to help, but now that he’d sided with her, he’d just put a stick of dynamite on top of a ticking bomb.
“Ugh, fine!” Ruby yelled, untangling herself from her own legs and crawling out of the fort and standing. She balled up her little fists, jaw tight. “Why’d you even come over here?”
“Ruby,” Josh said sharply.
“It’s just one night, and now you have to go ruin everything like you always do!” Ruby’s eyes brimmed with tears, and Claire’s heart lurched. It was true that over the past few months, her daughter had grown a little moodier, a little more temperamental. She’d read this was normal for her age—hormones were starting up, and god knew middle school was the worst few years in Claire’s own life, but this, these instant tears and the yelling over a simple bedtime suggestion, this happened every time Josh came to town. It’s like Ruby ran on a constant low level of panic, always worried he was going to leave, always waiting for him to leave, so that every moment he was actually with her felt like a rare jewel, a prize, and anything Claire did to try and maintain a modicum of normalcy was met with tantrums and eye daggers.
Claire stood, tried to reach out for her daughter. Sometimes a hug worked.
“I’m going to go brush my teeth,” Ruby said, slapping her mother’s arm away.
And sometimes it didn’t.
“Want to come and watch me and make sure I floss?” Ruby said.
Inside, Claire flinched, but she knew she couldn’t let Ruby get away with talking to her like that, no matter the circumstance.
“That’s enough,” she said.
And it was, apparently, because Ruby rolled her eyes and stomped off toward the hallway that led to the bedrooms. A door slammed, causing Josh to jump. Claire, she was used to it.
They stood there for a second in silence while Claire wracked her brain for what to say. She wanted to take her daughter home, tuck her into her own bed, and watch her sleep, but she knew that wasn’t an option. Not unless she wanted to declare war, and she didn’t. Not tonight.
Josh cleared his throat. “Hey, I’m—”
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, turning and heading toward the door. She knew better than to even try to say good night to Ruby, and honestly, right now she was so pissed off, she didn’t trust herself. She hated fighting with her kid, but she hated this even more—this feeling that she was the boring parent, a stick in the mud, a wet blanket thrown over all the glitter and fairy lights of Ruby’s time with her dad.
“Claire, hang on.”
She stopped at the door and dug inside her bag for her keys. She was sure as hell sobered up now. “We’ve got Astrid’s wedding brunch in the morning at ten, so I need Ruby home by nine.”
“God, Astrid’s getting married?” Josh said, stopping with her at the door and leaning against the wall.
She flicked her eyes up to him. “I told you she was.”
He nodded, even though she knew he didn’t remember. “Poor guy.”
“Oh stop,” she said, but cracked a smile. Josh had grown up with all of them in school, so he knew Astrid was a lot. Particular, high-maintenance, wound tighter than even Claire, but poor guy wasn’t even nearly accurate in this situation. More like poor Astrid.
“When’s the wedding?” Josh asked.
“Two weeks.”
“Am I invited?” he asked, grinning.
“I wouldn’t count on it,” she said as she opened the door. He held it for her, his arm over her head, and she got a whiff of his familiar scent—clean laundry and mint from his aftershave. Even with all that makeup on his face, her knees went wobbly, just for a second. She’d loved this man once upon a time. He was her first kiss with a guy, first time with a guy, first relationship with anyone. She’d made out with Kara Burkes her junior year in high school, at a Halloween bonfire not long after she came out, but she’d never dated anyone seriously until Josh.
He leaned closer to her, his smell wafting over her even stronger. Her eyes fluttered shut, and she knew she had to get out of here now. She’d made this mistake too many times, sleeping with him on one of his trips back, the emotion and stress of having him reappear in their lives and what it might mean gathering like a storm until it broke and they tumbled into bed together. Not even Iris knew about that. The last time was over two years ago, right before she started dating Nicole.