“Take me, take me, take me! You know you want to!”
And I do want to, really, really bad. Which sucks.
I’ve never tried to stop using. Whenever I thought about it, I figured it would be easy to do when I was ready, if I were ever ready to do so.
It was always hard for me to figure out why some people struggle to give up alcohol or smoking. Shouldn’t it be mind over matter, stand strong and move on through the urges?
Now I know how wrong I was about them, and myself, because I can’t even make it until lunchtime before I sneak into my mother’s bathroom to pop one of the pills in my mouth, taking off the edge.
I’ve been taking less and less, so by tomorrow, when I take the last one, I may not even crave it.
Sleep later that night is impossible.
I’ve never had trouble before. Getting awake and out of bed was usually the hardest part of my day, the part I dreaded.
Now, I lay here tossing and turning, reaching my hand over to rub the cold spot on the sheets, missing Cedric who had to work tonight, monitoring the club’s security. It’s not hot in his apartment, but my entire body seems to be sweating so badly that I have to throw off the sheets and lie there, naked and exposed. The aching in my chest now has a throbbing headache to keep it company. Not to mention all the trips to the bathroom I’ve made to throw up.
Eventually, I just get up and take the last pill and throw away the now empty baggie, promising myself that this is the last one I’ll ever put in my mouth.
It has to be, or it will ruin everything with Cedric.
Chapter Sixteen
Cedric
When Reece wakes up and comes to relieve me on security duty the next morning, I rush back to my apartment to check on Evelyn and see how she’s feeling. She assured me last night she could manage the symptoms she was having. I want to trust her, but I’ve never dealt with anyone in my life facing any sort of addiction, and I’m not sure what to expect.
I’m certainly not expecting to come into my bedroom and find her completely naked, lying on top of my bare mattress while all of the sheets are balled up at the foot of the bed. Her back is facing me, and she doesn’t react when I enter the room, so I tiptoe over to check on her.
When I lay my hand on her back to check her breathing, she startles awake, almost leaping from the bed. “Cold!” she stammers, relaxing a bit when she sees me, but then wrapping her arms protectively around her breasts.
“I’ll bet you are, you kicked off all the sheets,” I try to commiserate with her as I get down on one knee before her. Now that I’m face to face with her, I can see the deep, dark circles under her eyes, just before the smell hits me.
“Your hands, I meant,” she smiles at me weakly. “I’ve been burning up all night, and your hands felt frozen. It actually felt good.”
“Do you want me to put them somewhere on you?” I ask her playfully. “If so, let’s get you into the shower. I hate to say it Ev, but it smells like you had a rough night.”
“Ugh, yeah. I can smell myself. That’s a bad sign, isn’t it?” she jokes.
She’s trying to play it down, but her stomach emits a long, angry gurgling sound that has to be a horribly painful cramp from the way she winces. “Come on, let me help you back to the bathroom. I wish I had a tub for you to soak in, but at the least you can sit down in the shower for a while.”
“Don’t make it too hot,” she pleads as I help her to her feet. “And could you get me a few bottles of water? I drank every one you had in your little refrigerator last night.”
“Yeah, I’ll go restock everything while you clean up. Are you hungry? You need to try to eat,” I tell her as I help her sit down in the shower. I turn on the water, noticing that she barely reacts when the first cold blast hits her.
“I don’t think I can eat,” she says weakly. “It feels like the worst hangover of my life. Maybe just the water and some Tylenol or something?”
“I’ll go get it,” I reassure her. “Stay here and relax. We’ll stay in today, or for as long as you need to get through this. It’s going to suck, Ev, but we can do this together, all right?
She nods at me weakly, closing her eyes as she sticks her head into the spray of water. I leave her there, rushing to gather the things she requested so I can get back quickly. I pray to god that this is the worst of it and that in the next few days we can put this behind us.
Evelyn
When I’m able to crack open my dry, crusty eyes, Cedric is no longer in bed with me. It takes me a few minutes to gather the energy to roll over and see the digital clock, which shows me that it’s just past midnight. I vaguely recall him kissing me goodbye before he went for his shift monitoring security from the apartment down the hall. Now that my eyes are open, they feel like two sandy marbles in my skull, so dry that it’s painful to even blink. Groaning, I swing my legs out of bed and toss the sweaty t-shirt I’m wearing onto the floor. Once I find fresh panties and I’ve brushed my teeth, I dig through Cedric’s closet until I find an old Aerosmith t-shirt I remember him wearing when he was younger. It smells like him, and I pull it on, grateful that the scent seems to calm my nerves.
I’m wide awake now, so I turn on the small television to see if I can find anything to pass the time. As I watch one of the late shows, a strange pressure builds inside my chest, an anxious, foreboding feeling that is so powerful it seems to have a physical weight crushing down on my organs. I can’t just sit still while that feeling keeps building, so I pull on a pair of shorts under my t-shirt and then wander down the hall to look around. I vaguely recall Cedric showing me around the clubhouse our first day, but the memory is cloudy at best.
Just as I step around a corner, I come face-to-chest with a tall, red-headed woman who I haven’t met before. “Oh!” I squeak in surprise as I jump back. “I’m so sorry. I was in my head and didn’t hear you…” I trail off, realizing I’m babbling.
“Hey, it’s okay, don’t worry about it,” the woman reassures me. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around the club before. I’m Cynthia, Reece’s girlfriend. Wait, don’t tell me, you must be Evelyn! Reece told me a bit about you!”
Her smile and demeanor are so friendly that I feel myself relaxing a bit before I reply, “That’s me. I hope Reece didn’t say anything too awful. The way Cedric brought me here has apparently caused a few issues.”
“Oh, phooey, don’t ever worry about that. Has Cedric told you about the other members of the club? Trust me, you are no trouble compared to most of the girls the other boys have settled down with. You would not believe what some of these guys get themselves into. If anything, you and Cedric have the sweetest background, growing up together and being such close friends. I didn’t think I’d ever find that sort of connection until Reece came into my life.”
Listening to her, so friendly and welcoming, it occurs to me that I haven’t had a female friend in…I can’t remember, since high school at least. Cynthia stops and stares at me for a moment, then puts an arm around my shoulders. “Hey, Evelyn, is everything okay? Is Cedric treating you all right, or is something wrong? We’re all a big family here, if there’s something you need to talk about.”