“She would never leave you,” Tobias says from beside me, and my father opens his eyes a little wider, looking for the voice.
“W-Who—?”
“Hello, Mr. Matthews. I’m Tobias Kosta, but you know me as Nick Baros.”
The sound that rips from my father’s mouth is painful. Not the type of pain that comes from a scrape or bruise; this pain comes from his soul. He knows exactly who Tobias is. He’s the boy who he said died all those years ago. I’m sure it’s a name that haunts him.
“I-I’m so sorry,” he stutters, broken. “I . . . I”
Tobias shakes his head, stopping my father’s next words. I momentarily stop breathing, knowing how devastating it will be for my dad to have Tobias refuse his apology. The lack of closure as his life ends will haunt him in the life after this.
But what Tobias does next is a shock to my entire body. He moves closer to my father’s bed, takes his hand in his, and whispers, “I know. And I forgive you.”
A choked sob rushes from my mouth. The doubt and fear washed away with that acceptance. The weight of what happened to Tobias will always be there, but I know that this is a giant step in letting go of the anger. The gift he’s given my father is one I’ll never forget. My heart is breaking knowing his time is almost up, but a sense of peace fills me at knowing he’ll pass without those heavy burdens he’s carried for years. Forgiveness has allowed him peace too.
My father takes a deep, labored breath, and when he speaks, the words are barely audible. “Th-Thank you.”
A second later, my father reaches for me, and Tobias moves out of the way, letting me sit on the edge of the bed.
“I-I l-love y-you,” my dad mumbles. “Not r-ready.”
“Please don’t speak, Dad. You need your strength.”
His head moves. It’s a small movement, but I know what he is trying to say. No. There is no more strength to be had.
“Be-Before I—”
“Shh.”
“L-Listen. J-Journal. Bed. Fitz—” He starts to say, but then his words go quiet. His eyes widen, and he takes one more breath. “I-I’m sorry,” he tells me.
“It’s not your fault,” I say. My voice is small.
“I-d-don’t want to d-die now. Not read—I-I don’t w-want to l-leave yo—”
“I’ll be okay.” I place a kiss on his hand. “Dad.” A tear slips down his cheek. “You can go. I’ll be okay.” I sniffle quietly, my vision blurring as my eyes mist.
The machines hooked up to him go off. I watch as he takes his last breath. For all those years, he was there for me, and now he’s gone. The room goes quiet. We sit beside him.
“He—” A sob breaks through my lips. “He died. My father died.”
Once embraced in Tobias’s arms, I begin to sob. Tears stream from my eyes. He holds me.
He tells me with no words that he loves me. That he has me. That I will never be alone.
The sky above us is painted with clouds. Tiny raindrops trickle down as we make our way from the car to the small church in town. It feels fitting for the day. Dark and ominous. The heavens crying from the loss of such a selfless man. A man that had secrets only because he tried to protect us after trusting the wrong people. Tobias walks beside me, his arm tightly wrapped around my waist as if he’s trying to hold me up. I welcome his strength right now and lean into it.
Together, we walk into the church, and he leads me to the front.
We sit down.
The pastor starts to speak, his words like a soft hymn above the beating of my heart.
He tells stories about how my father impacted the world and how he would be missed.
Before long, it’s my time to speak. I’m not prepared to stand, nor am I ready to talk, to say my goodbyes, but I know I have to. I owe it to him and myself. I need closure.
I stand from my seat and make my way to the podium, my hands shaking so hard I can’t control them.
From where Tobias stands, I can tell he wants to come to my side, but I shake my head. I need to do this on my own.
Looking out into the room, I see the men and women from this beautiful town. The people who helped raise me when my family tragically died that day not so long ago. Then I see him. Attorney General Fitzpatrick. Sitting amongst my father’s friends, playing the part he has decided to play.
Taking a deep breath, I try to calm myself.
Today is about my father.
About the man who loved me enough to make sure I was always okay. To make sure I smiled. To make sure I was cared for. I will not let anyone take that away, especially not today.
Pulling my gaze away, I lock eyes with Tobias, who looks as if to say, “I love you, and you can do this.” I smile at him and then pull the paper out.
I look around the room and feel the tightness in my throat as I realize that this is my father’s last day before he’s buried. I try to smile. “I want to thank you all for coming out and for showing my dad so much love and support all these years.” I pause, clearing my throat to continue. “My dad was an amazing man, a hard worker, and a man of integrity.” The tears begin to fall down my cheeks.
“It is with a heavy heart that I am here to honor my father. He served as a soldier, then a police officer, and later, a detective. For over twenty years, he has been a pillar of the community. He was my father, not by blood but by love. He had a great sense of humor and always had a smile on his face. His death is tragic. It is hard to describe how much he will be missed. When I was six years old, my dad saved me. Like the hero he was, he found me and saved me.
“He was the only family I had from that time on . . . When I was sixteen, my dad took me for my first driving lesson. He made sure I always had toast and jam before bed, and he always did my math with me. When things were tough, he still managed to put me through college, and most importantly, he gave me a home. He always tried to do the right thing and help others. I can’t say that he always succeeded, but he did his best.
“My father’s death came too soon. I wasn’t ready. But even if I had years to prepare, I’d never be prepared to lose him. He was the most important person in the world to me. His love and support got me through difficult times. We shared many memories together. He was the only person who knew how to make me feel better when I was upset. Dad, you will always be with me. Thank you. Thank you for saving me.”
When I’m done speaking, I turn behind me and look at his face in the casket. I place a kiss on my finger and then touch the center of his shirt over his heart. Tears stream down my face, and then I feel his presence as if it was that day when he pulled me from the darkness and showed me the light. I love you, Dad. I turn back and make my way back down the steps. One by one, his friends and colleagues come to me. They hug me and tell me their own stories about what a wonderful man he was and about how he touched all their lives. And I know without a measure of a doubt, his presence will never leave. He will always be with me.
54
Skye
I sit on the couch. I can’t cry anymore, but every time I think I’m done, the tears start again. Despite everything my dad did wrong, he did right by me.
From across the room, Tobias whispers to Gideon, but I’m not prepared to think about my father’s last words. I need to grieve still. Feel the pain. Yet again, I’m alone in this world.