“When you say your whole life, what does that mean?” He squeezes my hand.
I’ve been honest this much already. Suppose I might as well go all the way.
“I grew up in Texas with a daddy and mama that were really old school. My dad was the provider, and my mom was the homemaker who rarely spoke up against the patriarch of the family. Not to mention I’m the baby and the only girl with older brothers. It was drilled into me growing up that my role in life was to be the same as my mama. Marry someone out of high school, have babies and raise them. I struggled in school when I was younger because I had a learning disability, but that wasn’t discovered until seventh grade. Before I got help, my family used to pat me on the head and tell me what a darlin’ I was and say it’s a good thing I was pretty, or comment on how I only had one oar in the water. I heard ‘bless her heart’ a lot, believe me.”
Brock’s staring at me with something akin to rage in his eyes and I immediately feel the need to defend my family. I love them and I know they were just doing what was done to them and what they thought was best.
He opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off first before he can say anything. I raise a hand and continue on.
“They weren’t trying to be mean, it’s just the way it was. It’s the way everyone was. If they knew how much it hurt my feelings, they’d be gutted.”
“You didn’t tell them?”
I shake my head. “No. Daddy died a couple years ago, and it’s just Mama now.”
“I’m sorry.” He squeezes my hand again.
I shrug. “I got over it. Or maybe I didn’t. I don’t know. It’s just really important to me that I be taken seriously in my job and earn the respect of my peers. And I feel like I’d done that.”
He lets his chin drop to his chest. “Until I opened my big mouth at the press conference.”
I reach out and force him to look at me. “What you said was so sweet, and under other circumstances, it would be romantic. For me, though, it brought all my insecurities into the limelight. Did you know there’re pictures of me in a bikini from one of my vacations with the girls circulating on social media?”
“What the fuck?”
I nod. “All my accounts are private but obviously someone on my friends list must’ve screenshot it and passed it along.”
“That’s a shitty thing to do.” His jaw tics.
“Agreed. But that’s exactly what I mean. If we were to give this a go, I’m afraid it would only get worse.”
He cups my face, and I lean into the warmth of his palm. “I’m not ready to let you go.”
It’s like a stab in the heart, but a pleasurable warmth radiates out of the wound.
“Same,” I whisper.
We gaze at each other for a beat but a look like hope crosses over his features.
“How about this? Why don’t we see each other in secret for a while? See how it goes. If there really is something there, something lasting, we can figure out what to do then.”
While I hate the idea of pretending we’re not dating, not being able to go out in public, pretending I don’t know him if I see him at an Infernos event… I’m also not ready to give this up.
I’ve never felt this way for someone so fast. It’s like we’re in sync with each other—physically, yes. But emotionally as well.
Slowly, I nod. “Okay, let’s do it.”
As he swoops me into a kiss, I can’t help but think I’m just putting off our inevitable end.
11
Brock
It’s been over a month since Kelsey and I began dating and sneaking around with each other.
On some level, the sneaking around is hot. One time we met in the janitor’s closet at the arena, and she gave me the best blow job of my life. And while the excitement of fearing we’ll be caught adds something to our relationship, lately I find myself wishing I could hold her hand in public. Take her to a restaurant or to the movies. Go grocery shopping together to decide on dinner.
But I understand her hesitation and I know how important her career is to her. Still, we can’t do this secrecy forever.
What really brought it home for me was the holidays. It’s a few days until Christmas and I’m due to fly home to Ohio to spend my two days off with my family and it kills me that I can’t bring her along. Kelsey’s not planning to go home to Texas to visit her mom because her mom is in Virginia visiting her aunt. I hate the idea of leaving her alone in San Francisco.
So I made her promise to come over after tonight’s home game, even though it’s late. My flight leaves in the morning and I wanted to give her a Christmas present before I leave.
We’d discussed exchanging gifts and at her insistence decided not to. She said we’ve only been dating for a short time and that there’s so much pressure on what to get that she felt it was better if we skipped it, but I think it’s her fear of intimacy invading.
But with the way I feel about this woman—something I haven’t confessed to her because I’m afraid it will scare her off—I couldn’t imagine not getting her something. Hell, I’d buy her the world if she’d let me.
I’m not sure how it’s going to go over—whether she’ll be pissed I bought her something or not—but I want her to have it. Besides, part of wanting to give her my gift is completely selfish and caveman.
There’s a soft knock on the door and I let her in. She immediately walks into my arms, and I dip my chin to give her a thorough kiss.
“Good game tonight.” She gives me another peck before slipping off her heels, setting her bag on the floor, and hanging her coat in the closet by the door. I’d give her a key to this place if she’d allow me.
“Thanks. I had a little extra motivation. This girl I’m seeing promised to give me a blow job if I scored tonight.”
“Mmm…” She snakes her arms around my neck. “I’ll bet she would’ve done it anyway.”
I grin. “Maybe, but you can never be too sure.” I bend and nip at her earlobe and she shrieks and pushes me away.
“C’mon in. You want something to drink?” I lead the way into the main living space.
“I’m good.” She turns and looks at the Christmas tree she insisted I put up in my apartment. Normally, I don’t bother because it’s just me, but since it seemed like it would make her happy, I didn’t deny her.
The only shitty part was that I had to go to the lot on my own to get it since we can’t be seen in public together. Though the fact that we ended up beside it, naked, when we were decorating takes some of the sting off.
We settle on the couch and I strategically make sure I’m sitting near the pillow I hid her gift behind.
“Are you looking forward to seeing your family tomorrow?” She shifts so she’s facing me, draping one arm over the back of the couch and resting her temple against her hand.
“Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve been home. It’s always good to see everyone. I just wish you were coming.”
Her lips purse for a moment. I’m sure she’s sick of my asking, but I have to make one final attempt.