We shared a laugh. “No staying over.”
“The couch? The anchor lady won’t mind.” She passed me a smile.
I grinned back. “Good night, Kacey. Drive safe.”
Chapter Ten
Carrie didn’t return my messages that night. Or my calls.
I hadn’t done anything wrong but was still consumed with horror at what had occurred. It still didn’t feel quite real, as if a bad dream I could just shake off. Only it hadn’t been.
I couldn’t sleep. Images played back in my head on repeat. I vacillated between Carrie smiling at me at the picnic and the confusion in her eyes on the sidewalk and then back to the hunger in them when she’d walked toward me in my living room. All of it underscored by a distorted version of the Timbaland music that played from Kacey’s speaker in a garish taunt.
Finally, I gave in to my sleep failure and headed to the station. At least playing the role of early bird might get me top pick at the incoming stories from overnight. I was desperate for any worthy distraction.
The newsroom was a quiet bustle when I arrived, but different than what I’d grown used to. The lights were dimmer, and the morning folks so much quieter than the evening team. It felt like something important but secretive was underway. Coffee showed up in excess, and the aroma of fresh pastries hung in the air. Not bad.
As I shuffled through email, I stared at Carrie’s empty desk, organized and perfect as always. My heart tugged at what was not to be the night before, and I felt completely off balance. Plus, there was the sidecar of guilt that came with rejecting Kacey’s grand gesture. Two months ago, I would have grinned and invited her in to see where things between us might lead. I’d been ready for more, eager for a shot.
Two months now felt like two years. I couldn’t imagine going backward.
The feelings I had percolating for Carrie felt entirely different. They affected every aspect of my life. I woke up thinking about the next moment I’d get to see her, share a laugh, or simply learn from her on the job. I had nothing in my life prior to compare them to. I blew out a breath and absorbed my very real set of circumstances. Yep, I had it bad.
The day took off early, and Ty and I hit the road singing to Shawn Mendes, him on lead and me on backup. We covered a school board protest, a hospital overrun with an outbreak of RSV in infants, then went live at five for a shooting in the park. It was the first contact I’d had with Carrie since she’d headed down my sidewalk, and it was live on air for thousands to watch.
Her voice tickled my ear. “Skyler Ruiz is on scene at Murray Ridge Park to tell us about a near-death experience for a local teen earlier today. Skyler, what’s the latest?”
“Caroline, Eddie Meyers is a typical kid. He likes hanging out with his friends and figuring out which pizza joint has the best slice. What he didn’t expect was to come face-to-face with a gunman in the very park where he grew up.”
From there, the broadcast rolled over to the package we’d put together just an hour earlier. I waited for my wrap up, anxious to get back to the station where I could put the final touches on my hospital package, which would run at ten. After that, I could bring my long day to a close. But more than anything, I was also hoping to put things right with Carrie, because being this off balance with her felt awful. I couldn’t face another night of tossing and turning.
The package came to a close and I was back live. “In the end, Eddie is grateful for 9-1-1, his good friends, and his life. Caroline.”
“Well, we’re happy to hear he’s okay. What a terrifying ordeal.”
“Isn’t that the truth,” I heard Rory say.
“Next we’ll take a look at all the ways you can step up for Saturday’s blood drive. Stay tuned.”
“We’re clear,” Ty said. He scurried over and offered me a high five and a hip bump, which had become our two-pronged custom. “Crushed it, as always. I gotta run. My anniversary. I need to put a bow tie on over this T-shirt and eat the fancy grub with my lovely lady.”
I grinned. Ty and his wife were celebrating fifteen years, which meant Sandra had put up with his puppylike antics for a long time now. “Bless that woman for loving your bow tie T-shirt combo.”
“I say that every damn day.” He popped on his neon-green sunglasses, did a little shoulder dance, and slid into his truck. I’d ride back with Charlie, the live truck operator, who was every bit as kind but not nearly as much fun.
When we got back to the station, I finished up what work I had with one of the other editors, who would submit the story for final review before it aired, and then went about shuffling things around on my desk. Mindless. All a tactic to stall. Next, I took a walk around the newsroom. Stared at the decor on the wall. Awards. Photos. Policies. At last, there she was. Everything in me went quiet to make room for her. Still wearing a red dress from the broadcast and now back at her desk, Carrie studied her screen.
“Nice handoff earlier.” I was referencing our exchange on the live shot from the five.
She lifted her gaze and found mine. “It was smooth. Good job today.”
I looked behind me. No one in the newsroom was in earshot. “Can we talk? About last night.” My stomach balled itself into an uncomfortable knot. But I had to get through this part.
She relaxed into her chair. The expression on her face told me that I wasn’t allowed in anymore. The door was closed, and I hated every second of it. “I’m not sure we need to. No hard feelings, okay? I mean that. You have a lot going on, and that’s okay.”
“No hard feelings,” I repeated. “Okay, great. But I want a reset. The whole thing was a giant misunderstanding, and I’m just sorry you were there to witness it.”
“Maybe it was. What do I know?” She smiled at me, but it wasn’t the kind I’d grown used to. Not her real smile, the one she snuck me when no one was watching. Not even the sweet one she offered when they were. She had a barrier between us now. “I wish you guys the best, figuring it out. I’m sure you will.”
I sighed. “So that’s it? I haven’t even explained it all yet.”
She took her hands off her keyboard. “I know, but let’s keep things simple, okay? Focus on our work relationship. Stay friends. I’d really like that. Probably less messy in the end.” She offered another obligatory smile.
I’d given her too much time to think this through. She was laying up, playing it safe. “Yeah. Okay.” I attempted a smile of my own, but my success was debatable. She was taking a pointed step back, and that was that. What was I supposed to do? My mind went blank. Numb. And then sad. Also, I wasn’t willing to stand here and let her watch my disappointment play out. Dammit.
Without another word, I gathered my things and headed home for the night. Comfy pants and a couple of shots of Crown would hopefully dull the acute pain of today. I’d have to worry about the long-term later. Develop strategies, tactics, for not dwelling on what felt like a gaping loss. I didn’t know what had Carrie running away with such determination, but I had a feeling it had very little to do with me. If only that knowledge helped even a little bit. Fuck my life.