I shake my head, unable to talk through my sobs. For such a long time, I let my origin and my trauma steal every piece of light. And though I’m pursuing law for a reason no one knows, that has weighed so heavily on me that I can’t explain this moment. I’ve had an invisible tumor infecting my body, weighing me down until I almost couldn’t walk or see. And now it feels somewhat lifted.
I hadn’t intended to feel like this. I thought maybe I would once I graduated law school, once I finally did it and could prove I was just as worthy of my life as he was. My biological father. The man who told me I should never have breathed air.
“I never … I can’t …” I grip at my throat, overwhelmed by the anxiety attack clearly stealing over my senses.
“What’s going on?” Taya walks into the foyer and immediately her jaw drops.
“Let’s sit her down, grab some water. Bev, breathe. Breathe.” Amelie takes over, jumping into caretaker mode.
Last year, she almost lost her aunt, who raised her, to cancer. She’s become quite good at anticipating what people will need and can even change some kind of drain in the human body. One time she tried to tell Taya and me, and we were so grossed out we almost couldn’t make it through the conversation. Blood and me, just don’t mix. When I thought about what I’d do when I grew up, how I’d become successful, doctor was immediately taken off the table. I just can’t stomach it.
“Let me hold you. Pressure is good, like a weighted blanket.” Am wraps her arms around me and smothers me with all one hundred pounds of herself.
“I got some water. And orange juice just in case, remember that scene in Steel Magnolias?” Taya looks frantic.
“She isn’t diabetic, Tay.” Amelie snorts, and the humor kind of helps ease some of my inability to take a deep breath. “Take a drink.”
My head feels fuzzy and my limbs tingle as Amelie holds the glass to my lips and water floods my mouth. I gulp it like a dog who’s been left out in the hot Texas heat, the liquid spilling onto my sweatshirt. I don’t even care. It begins to calm me, only marginally, and I suck in a lungful of air as I try to concentrate on a spot on the floor.
Minutes must pass as Taya and Amelie rub my arms and hug on me, and I’m so damn glad that the two of them are the one’s home right now to take care of me. The feeling that I’m drowning dissipates further and I can finally focus and the ringing in my ears stops.
“Is this because of the test?” Taya says gently.
I shake my head, then nod, because it kind of is, but it kind of isn’t.
“Callum?” Amelie asks.
“No.” I laugh this out, because for once I’m not freaking out over the man who broke my heart. “It’s … kind of about the LSATs.”
“Did it not go well?” Taya again.
“No, it did. I think I’m going to get a top score.” Confidence oozes from my answer.
“Of course you are. You’re Bevan. The smartest of us all.” Amelie grins.
“I never told you guys one crucial thing.” I feel my cheeks pink up, my eyes dart to the side.
“Then tell us now.” Taya soothes, brushing my arms with her nails until I get goose bumps.
Taking a deep breath, I look around our house. This place has felt more like a home than any I’ve had in my life, probably because I’m surrounded by love.
“You know my dad left? That he was never really around.” I know they know that, but I’ve been so tight-lipped about my father over the years that they don’t know much more.
They nod, not wanting to interrupt me with words.
“He’s a lawyer. A big shot in New York who crushes the little guy and wins money for corporate companies. He pads rich guys’ pockets. I … well, I’ve always wanted to be a lawyer so I can go toe-to-toe with him. Because … he wishes I weren’t alive. I’m the product of his affair with my mother, and he wanted her to have an abortion. The asshole already had a wife and kids. The last time I ever saw him, I don’t know, years ago … he told me I was a mistake. He told me he wished I’d never been born, and if it were up to him, I wouldn’t have been.”
I will never forget that moment, no matter how long I go to therapy to try to recover and heal from it.
“I always thought that if I could just be him, become what he was so I could break him down from the inside, that it would be the best revenge. Taking the first steps toward doing that today? I don’t know. I guess it feels like painful relief. Somewhere along the way, my revenge turned into my actual dream. I never counted on really enjoying going into the legal profession, but I’m damn good and it and I do like it. I don’t know … my head is all kinds of fucked up over this. I’m excited and miserable all at the same time.”
Their jaws may as well be on the floor.
“Bev, we had no idea.” Amelie holds her hand to her chest like she’s clutching pearls.
“I always remember your mom harping about never letting a man keep you or control you. That we had to pave our own way or we’d end up … what was it?” Taya looks forlorn.
“Shackled and chained, is what she said,” Amelie recited as if from memory.
“In her way,” I sniffled, able to take a deep breath finally, “I know she loves me. But part of me thinks she only kept me as a form of punishment to him. Like, if she couldn’t get him to leave his wife, she would keep the permanent example of their love. If he ever did love her. Like I was some token to show him that she existed, that what they had couldn’t be brushed under the rug. And then I was there, an actual child she had to take care of. Then it was her mission to create this cyborg of a female who would not fall for the same bullshit she did.”
“You know that we’re so happy you’re alive? That you took a breath? Because we are. You’re not a machine, you’re a human. One we love more than anything. And not because you’re incredibly smart or will have a flashy job fighting corporate greed someday. But because you’re fiercely loyal, have the best dry, sarcastic humor I’ve ever experienced, and know your worth despite all you’ve been through.”
Taya reaches over, hugging my neck like she needs to squeeze some sense into me. I giggle into her neck, my nose all stuffed up.
“Ditto what she said. You’re the strongest person I know, Bev. I admire your iron will every single day, and your drive is unmatched.” Amelie grasps my hand and laces our fingers together.
“I should be saying that about you,” I tell her pointedly.
She lost both parents in a car accident and is still the nicest person on this planet.
Amelie shrugs. “I’ve known unconditional love, even if it’s come at a cost or a loss. It’s despicable the position your parents have put you in, and I hate it.”
“But I’ve known that love from you.” My smile is small, but it’s there as we all three group hug and chuckle at how sappy we’re being.
When we pull away, wiping tears, I feel lighter than I have in a long, long time.
“This is why you always pushed Callum away?” Taya studies me.
Now I pick imaginary fuzz on my leggings, the walls inside me building back up. “Once you’re abandoned like that and told by the one man who should love you the most that he wished you weren’t alive, it’s tough to feel like anybody could feel otherwise.”