“Oh, we know.” Taya winks at me.
Here we go. I wondered when she’d start in.
“So, how was last night with Callum?” Amelie asks coyly.
Didn’t expect it to be Am starting this conversation, but now it’s here and I can’t shy away.
“What do you mean?” I sip on my chocolate milk, pretending to be innocent.
“I know what you sound like having sex. We were subjected to it for nearly two years at college, and you forget we were all in that basement after senior prom.” My quieter best friend makes a face at me that tells me to fess up.
I roll my eyes. “You guys are so nosy.”
“Stop messing with us, you know you owe us the details.” Taya cradles her coffee mug.
As if I’ve been able to stop thinking about every little last detail for one second. I’m practically drooling on the table, I’m so damn horny again. Since Callum left my bed, I’ve wanted to crawl back in it with him.
“It was spectacular. Twenty out of ten. Mind-blowing. You know, the best of my life.”
“Or the only of your life?” Amelie’s grin is snide.
“Woah, Am with the zinger.” I fist pound her.
“Was it that good, or have you just not gotten laid for almost two years?” Taya snorts.
“I orgasmed twice. In five minutes. I’m pretty sure Callum has a special kind of talent,” I deadpan.
She holds up her hands in surrender. “All right, you win. Especially because I’m doing long distance and would give anything for one orgasm. Period.”
“Soon enough.” Amelie pats her hand.
“Says the girl who has been getting laid regularly for way longer than either of us.” I stick my tongue out at her.
Our food arrives and we all dig in like wild beasts. When you’ve been friends with people for so long, it doesn’t matter that we all look like banshees flinging food as fast as we can into our mouths.
When the grumbling in my stomach finally subsides and we all slow down, I begin to people watch. Until Taya comes out of left field, that is.
“Would you rather have a stranger pee on you or come on you?”
Taya is reading from a magazine, and I swear Amelie nearly aspirates on her southwestern omelet.
“What!” Her voice is red from how violently she’s choking.
“You heard me. It’s a question in this magazine, different randomly gross sex acts. I mean, that’s not the title, but pretty close. There is one in here that asks if you’d rather suck on your partner’s toes or their asshole.”
I chew my banana granola pancakes and think it over. “Come. Definitely not pee.”
“Is that because you had come on you last night?” Taya smirks slyly.
“No.” I shoot her an annoyed look. “Plus, that person was not a stranger and he’s the only guy whose come I’ve ever seen in real life.”
“As opposed to not real life?” Amelie squeaks.
“Porn, duh? You didn’t think I wasn’t giving myself orgasms for two years, did you?”
“This is certainly the most interesting breakfast conversation we’ve ever had.” Am laughs awkwardly and continues eating.
“But why come?” Taya presses, still with magazine in hand.
“Because I guess that’s a one-night stand, right? You come with a stranger, so presumably you see or feel their come? I guess that’s not so bad. Now, pee? Fuck that. I don’t want to smell like my own piss, much less a strangers.”
Both of my friends nod sagely, and Taya flicks to the next page. “No, that makes a lot of sense.”
“And you, my friend, make absolutely none. But I love you anyway.” I flick my fork against her almost empty plate.
Taya and Amelie look up at me, their eyes round.
“Did she just openly admit she loves us? Out loud?” Taya feigns shock.
“She must really be a whole new Bevan,” Amelie agrees.
“Shut up.” I roll my eyes and take a sip of coffee.
But damn, if I don’t feel like a brand-new, better version of myself.
28
BEVAN
“What do you think of this for the business school formal?”
I shimmy in front of Callum, who is lying shirtless on my bed. The black A-line one-shoulder dress is skintight, hits my mid-calf, and is basically backless down to the crest above my ass.
“Holy fuck.” He drools, pushing a hand past the waistband of his sweatpants. “Mind if I just use this as my porn today?”
“You shouldn’t be watching any porn with how much we’ve been fucking,” I scold, because I’m sore as hell and can barely walk straight these days.
Callum winces and I know he’s just touched the head of his cock. “Actually, you’re right. My dick is all fucked out.”
I turn around, wiggling my ass. “Oh, is it?”
“On second thought …” When I turn my chin so my gaze is directed at him, the love of my life, has a Cheshire grin. “Wait, did you say business formal?”
“Yeah, why? It’s this week every year. Right before winter break.”
“Fuck.” He smacks a hand against his forehead. “I kind of promised that girl Gretchen I’d go with her …”
Everything in the room stops. The air, the beating of my heart, the fucking temperature plummets to zero. Maybe that’s all in my head, but I’m convinced the whole world just stopped turning.
“You’re serious?” I squeak out.
Callum immediately sits up, his hands going out as if he’ll explain this in a rational way. “She asked me a while back, before the night I came here after you saw me on Scott’s stories at the bar. I didn’t think … you and I … it was all a mess. And she’s a nice girl, despite it all. Actually, I’m kind of the asshole who has left her high and dry, led her on, so …”
I think he’s still talking, but my ears are ringing violently. I’m trying to swallow past the bile rising in my throat.
We have made love, connected so intensely, I never thought I’d be able to remove the tattoo of it from my memory. And now he’s thinking about going to the formal with her? Like everything that happened made no lick of difference. This is why I’m so fucked up. Because the men in my life always leave me.
No. I push away the negative thoughts and panic clouding my mind, just like Dr. Miranda has taught me. I take three deep breaths, and Callum probably thinks I’m about to lose it on him, but I’m taking a moment. A moment to pause, to really take myself out of the situation and examine it.
Part of me never thought I’d be able to be strong again after he broke me. Is this what my mom had warned me about? To prepare me for a heartbreak so lethal, I would blame everything that went wrong on myself. That I’d reduce myself to nothing, beg for him, hope he was coming back?
I guess I was my mother’s daughter. Even though Mom had never gotten the help she so clearly needed after the entire affair with my biological father, I’m trying to take a different path. I’m wizening up, just like she did, but in a different way.
Because this time, I’m not blowing things out of proportion. I’m going to be calm and talk this out with Callum, show him his error, and then we can heal together. There will be no yelling, no fighting. My twin flame, the one who will both challenge and heal me.