“Yes, just like you wanted her mother’s life, so don’t act all innocent. So what if I mistreated her? What if I took everything she had and loved? Why can’t I have nice things too? It’s not my fault. It’s yours and Jimmy’s that my life was worse than hers. At least I didn’t kill her.”
“I can’t believe you. I can’t believe that after all the things that I’ve done, getting blood on my hands to give you a better life, that you’d just throw me away like trash.”
“This is not my fault you made those choices. You’re the one who lied to get the job at that school. You’re the one who set your sights on that idiot Adrienne, and you’re the one who killed her so you could screw her husband and take over her life. This is just your just desserts, mom; you should just accept it. I think you should leave before they really do call the cops and have you arrested again. I still have a chance; I’m not going to lose it because of you.” The smugness in her voice was palpable. I guess she really is nuts after all. Too bad that shit’s not an excuse in my book.
“Hold it!” I had to grab Gianna to stop her from leaving the car and running back inside. “Not yet; soon, I promise. I’ll get her out of your house in another day or so.” If all goes as planned, that is.
GABRIEL
“Let’s go spar!”
“What?” I grabbed her nape gently and walked her towards the Russo dojo.
“You have way too much pent-up energy to focus on doing homework, so let’s go get rid of some of it.”
“I know of a better way to get rid of it.” She mumbled the words beneath her breath, but I was still able to hear them.
“Bet! But let’s try this first.” She gave me that queer look she’s been throwing my way ever since she caught on to the fact that I’m avoiding taking her to my bed. At least she’s not brave enough yet to come right out and say anything. That’s a conversation I haven’t quite prepared for yet, even though I know it’s coming.
“Go change.” I guided her to one side of the changing room where new outfits in her size had been added to the twins’ while I went to the other side to get ready. She was still spitting mad by the time we met up again, and I hid my grin as we got in position. Her bow was laced with sarcasm which I ignored as we faced off against each other. “Sensei!”
“Cute! Let’s go.”
For someone who was new to this, she’d taken to martial arts pretty easily; her years of dance had made her loose and limber though I’m sure her anger had a lot to do with her performance today. I worked with her for an hour until she had nothing left, then took her upstairs to shower and settle down to do her homework while I played around on my computer.
Every once in a while, I’d look over at her as she lay sprawled across the bed with the dog on her butt while she did her read over her assignment, still with a look of displeasure on her face. I’d expected tears, a tantrum or two, but I guess hearing what Victoria had to say at the end there had erased everything but the anger.
Anger’s good. I have the feeling that before this is all over, she’s going to run the full gamut of emotions, but I want her to deal with the pain she’s been bottling up inside before it becomes too much. She always has an excuse, an escape to get away from facing it, but I know it’s there, just beneath the surface. I also know that today was just the beginning of the hell she’s about to face.
I don’t think it’s quite set in yet. There’s been so much going on in her life in just these last few weeks—a complete change of pace from where her life was headed. I don’t want her to lose traction, don’t want any missteps that would send her back into hiding. That’s the excuse I’m using today for not having the conversation I know we need to have.
There are only so many ways I can avoid touching her when it’s obvious to both of us that I want to. That’s another thing that I didn’t read in my vast collection of books. How to be this close to her all the time, the person I’m sure was meant to be my soulmate, had I not been cursed with my plight and not touch.
Just looking at her, I want so much to walk over there and lay down beside her to cuddle the way I’ve learned she likes to. My heart aches for the loss of her, and it hasn’t even happened yet, so I know the reality is going to be devastating. Is it fair that I’d have had time to get ready for that occurrence when she didn’t?
There’s nothing I can do about that now; I’d started the ball rolling with her dad, now is not the time to drop something like that in her lap. I need to have her life as sorted as possible before I move on. I know that what I plan to do for her makes up for some of the heartache I’m bound to cause, though I know that for me, I’d much rather have the person, shortcomings and all.
I looked away just in time when she turned to me as if feeling my stare, closing my eyes when I felt her look away again. Am I hurting her? Does she need me to hold her at this very moment? Part of me was already there, and the other knew that I needed to start building that wall if I was going to avoid doing even more damage than I’d already done.
So, I pretended an interest in my screen when the truth is I couldn’t even see it. Lately, the turmoil in my gut has amped itself up into these knots that I’m finding it harder and harder to loosen. The sooner we get her sorted, the closer it will be to our parting. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything sadder. I wish I could… There’re so many things I wish for because of her. But so many years of believing my life will go one way can’t be changed that easily.
GIANNA
There’s something bothering Gabriel. I thought I sensed it on the island, but I wasn’t sure until just this second. It’s as if he’s avoiding looking at me. That thought emboldened all my doubts and inner fears that I’ve kept hidden from the rest of the world. Was he tired of me already? Was I just a phase, a plaything he no longer wanted?
How could I have forgotten who he is? How popular and sought-after he was at school? That he could have any girl, he wanted? Most of them more suitable than me. How had I let myself believe all this time that he could truly be interested in me? I’d never heard of him being a player, and there’s no way he could fake the things he makes me feel. Or is it all one-sided?
I felt a cold chill run through me as those doubts came crashing down on me all at once. Maybe this was my way of avoiding thinking about my mom and the way she’d been betrayed, finding something else to stress over. Or maybe I’m finally seeing something that has been right in front of me all along.
Gabriel Russo, guys like Gabriel Russo, smart, handsome, rich, and just all-around perfect, don’t fall for nobodies like me. Why would he? I mean, his family is perfect, while mine is a train wreck of a disaster. Although we live in close proximity, I’m way down on the totem pole when it comes to comparing our wealth. And again, there’s the fact that he could have anyone he wants.
I bit my lip to withhold the groan of despair that almost escaped me. I didn’t know that he was looking at me, but he must’ve been. Because before the first tear fell, he was there, moving the dog out of the way and folding me in his arms. His hugs, like sunshine and laughter and all the good that life has to give, wrapped up in one, can make me weak.